Another searing pain in my chest. “Willow had sex last year with Duke. We both went on the pill once our mom found out.”
Good old Wills. My mouth turned down, and his thumb fell to my lip, rubbing it out.
“I have condoms,” he whispered. “We’ll be safe.”
I nodded.
Take a goddamn breath, Mac. Fuck’s sakes. Think about this. This is major. S-E-X, the big sex here. He’s the guy you want?
I almost cried out, hearing her concern, and why the fuck was my mind working again? My mind wasn’t supposed to be on her, but I listened to her question and focused on him.
I focused on Ryan.
I was a virgin. Was he the guy? And suddenly, I felt Willow leaving again. She was fading and taking all the pain, all the anger with her until it was only me lying in his arms.
The answer bloomed in my chest, and I nodded.
I was ready. I did want this, and with no one else except him.
“Yes,” I almost whispered the word.
I wanted nothing more, and it wasn’t tainted by the pain of my sister. It was pure, rooted in the feelings I did have for Ryan.
“Please.”
His eyes darkened, and that was all he needed. He bent down, his mouth finding mine again.
Yes.
Chapter Nineteen
I had sex.
I did it. That particular first in my life was done, and I was happy about who it was with. Under the seven layers of my emotional shit, there were real feelings for Ryan. I mean, I knew myself. I wasn’t so damaged by WWD (what Willow did) that I was completely screwed up and would lose my virginity to some asshole.
Ryan was the right guy. I didn’t know what was in the future—I could barely function with the today—but there it was.
Done.
I was no longer a virgin, and I was supposed to be different. Right?
I was supposed to look different?
No?
Gazing at myself in the mirror after showering, and knowing Ryan was waiting in bed for some post-coital cuddles, I searched those two eyes where a soul is supposed to be.
I saw nothing. For real.
There was the usual iris, eyeball, and such. Eyelashes. The literal round hole, but that wasn’t me.
I winced and averted my eyes.
Fuck. I didn’t even want to look myself in the eyes. Me. I didn’t want to see what everyone else must be seeing.
There was nothing there. Emptiness. Dead. Dull.
I was gone.
There was nothing lively in there. No happiness, elation, a big fat nada.
I’d lost my virginity, and I was half-considering going in there and doing it again just so I could feel something.
Morbid much?
Oh, lovely. Time for my usual haunting.
Hey, Wills.
She leaned against the sink and crossed her arms. You know, Mac, if you’re actually crazy, you wouldn’t be thinking of me only when you can handle it. I’d be popping in all the time and really haunting you. I’d be telling you to kill someone or something. Isn’t that what voices do? Tell you to do bad shit?
I wouldn’t know. I’m not schizo. I’m mourning.
Willow snorted. You’re a head case, that’s for sure. And yeah, maybe you’re mourning, but honestly, aren’t you prolonging the inevitable?
I shut her out.
I felt what she was going to say, and I stopped her, literally imagining her out of my head, out of the bathroom, out of the house, and far, far away. I could almost feel her flying backward.
Then I opened my eyes.
Still here, dumbass.
She hadn’t moved an inch.
Bitch.
She laughed. Finally. Some sass. You’re so fucking depressing. What happened to you? I mean, I know. She indicated herself, her hands moving up and down her body. But you know what I mean. You should’ve had your shit together a long time ago, but you’re sucking at it. Come on, Soccer Superstar.
I wasn’t the soccer superstar.
Yes, you were. You were the superstar in everything. You just didn’t know.
I was lazy, and I ate junk food, and I—
You were normal, but you were the best on your soccer team.
But—
You were normal, Mac. Her voice was so soft. And that was a good thing. You got to be the normal one of us, even if you really weren’t. You were what we needed. You were our anchor, still are.
“You’re the strong one, Kenz.” I heard Robbie’s voice, and I could see him all over again, looking at me from the doorway to Ryan’s room that day. I’d flipped the cover back and let my little brother hide in there with me.
If only we hadn’t ever left that shelter.
I expected a smart comment from Willow, but none came. Then I looked, and I almost gasped. Tears glistened in her eyes, and her hands were balled as if she were trying not to cry.
I’m so sorry, Mac.
What? A searing and burning sensation began to build in my chest. I started for her, my hand reaching out.
If I could take it back . . .
And poof. She was gone.
“No!”
She was right there. She was real. I could see her, speak to her, and she was gone.
Footsteps pounded on the floor behind me. The bathroom door flung open, and Ryan’s eyes were wild.
“Mackenzie? What?” He saw I was staring at nothing and turned in a circle, looking around the bathroom. “Mackenzie? What . . .”
The same words, but such a different meaning.
No. Nope. I wasn’t—I couldn’t say it aloud.
She wasn’t real.
She wasn’t there.
She was gone.
“She was supposed to be here for this.” The words wrung from me.
He turned around and sighed. “Oh, Mac.”
Tears rolled down my face. I felt them falling, but I couldn’t move, and I couldn’t stop them.
“Mackenzie.” He said it quietly, tenderly, and he pulled me into his arms. “I’m so sorry.”
He cradled the back of my head and held me.
Chapter Twenty
“I know what you and Ryan did last night.”
I jerked back, my hand hitting the locker and slamming it shut. I turned to face Peach, who seemed pissed. Her eyes were angry, her mouth a firm line. Her arms crossed over her chest.
She didn’t seem it. She was angry.
And she was tapping her foot.
I eyed that foot. Who tapped their foot like that? Seriously?
“Say that again.”
She couldn’t be talking about what I thought she was talking about because then . . . ew. How the hell would she know that?
Her arms uncrossed, and her hands formed fists, pressing into her legs. “You screamed last night. I was dreaming about taking a puppy to a fair. Ryan put it on me, but it was you. I know what you two are doing. He’s either sneaking over to your place or you’re at ours. It was you who screamed last night.”
Prove it.
I sooo wanted to say Willow’s words to her, but the truth was, Peach could. Easily.
Open the fucking bedroom door at three in the morning, and the proof is there. So I kept my mouth shut.
Ugh!
I ignored Willow. I was still mad at her for disappearing last night.
Fuck you.
I ignored that too.
“What do you want?” I asked Peach.
Fine. She wanted to play ball with me? Well, there were consequences. I was going to call her on it.