‘Oh, darling, that’s wonderful news! I wouldn’t miss it for the world. And I can help you with Sophie, too.’ It felt wonderful to hear Mum’s reassuring voice.
‘That would be amazing, Mum. Thank you! What about Dad?’ I asked.
‘Oh, I don’t know, Mary. His fear of flying has got a lot worse recently, and his doctor doesn’t like him flying because of his emphysema. But let me talk to him.’
Then a couple of weeks later, Mum called back. ‘Darling, he’s been having hypnosis, of all things!’ she said, chuckling. ‘He seems confident he can fly, and his doctor is okay with it, so it looks like we’ll both be there. We can’t wait, Mary!’
They arrived a few weeks before the performance. I was so happy to see them again. The hypnosis seemed to have worked and I walked into my loving father’s arms, not believing both parents were here! ‘Hi, Dad! So good of you to come! How was the flight?’
‘Shitty, but we’re here now,’ he replied with a twinkle in his eye, then, turning to tickle Sophie, ‘Hello, my precious pearl!’
‘You look wonderful, darling,’ Mum said to me. ‘And how’s our beautiful baby girl?’
Straightaway I shared everything with them, explaining the progress Sophie was making, the things I was learning about deafness and our changing relationship since the diagnosis.
‘Thank God for your energy, Mary. If anyone can do this, you can,’ Mum said, encouraging me as always.
‘What can we do?’ Dad asked.
‘Just love her and take care of her like you normally would. And talk a lot,’ I added.
Incredibly, there seemed to be an instant connection between my parents and Sophie. Dad would walk her around the neighbourhood in the pram, chatting about the houses on the street. He would hold her little hands tight as she jumped on the trampoline. ‘You’re a champion jumper, Sophie! Champion!’ he’d tell her, laughing. And he and Coralie would sit on the porch with Sophie in the swing and chat as they waited for me to get home.
Having Mum and Dad there was a respite for Li, too. He and Dad both read the Wall Street Journal and discussed what was happening at the big end of town. It was an education for Li to be talking to Dad. He and Mum were so like Li’s own parents in many ways. In the end, it was all about the family and the next meal.
I had eight weeks to prepare for The Nutcracker. The plan was for me to do four performances as the Sugar Plum Fairy, and I was warmly welcomed back into the studio by the whole company. ‘They look so young!’ I thought, as it seemed a lot had changed in the company while I was away. Upon reflection perhaps I had matured with what had happened with Sophie. It felt glorious to be back to the studio and the familiar rhythms of a ballet class. However, I knew I had a lot of work in front of me and I had to stay focused. The mirrors all around the studio didn’t lie. I was facing a body that was out of condition. My muscles were soft, my body stiff. My feet ached and my Achilles tendons were tight, and I hadn’t even put on pointe shoes yet. But as I listened to the music, I felt it lifting my soul. It was nice to sense my body naturally responding, and thankfully, my muscle memory was still there.
Li was tough on me. ‘Do it again,’ he’d say for the hundredth time, and yet I wouldn’t have had it any other way. He knew I wanted to be the best I could be for my true last dance, and he knew what was needed when the lights went up. ‘You have to push through it, Mary,’ he said, knowing that I had been hobbling in pain since day one of rehearsals.
The weeks became a blur and the day was suddenly upon us. As we put on our make-up for the first performance, nerves were high. Li admitted later that he thought he was more nervous than I was. The orchestra upstairs began, and I made my way up to the wings. Soon it was our turn. This was it! My heart thumped loudly as I took my first step onto the stage with Li. I had done many Sugar Plums in my life and still loved this pas de deux. The orchestra started to build up as our outstretched hands finally touched. Immediately, I felt electricity and nerves ignite. I looked into Li’s reassuring eyes, and then I knew I would be fine. The performance was electric with our wonderful partnership. Suddenly, the first performance was over – I had made it through! The audience applauded loudly.
With each performance, my strength and stamina improved immensely. Maybe I can continue dancing. Maybe I can still dance occasionally. I entertained the thought as I continued to enjoy each performance more than the last. But then I reminded myself that the physical reality of getting my body ready for The Nutcracker over the previous eight weeks proved that I couldn’t dance part-time. You have to do it all day, every day, and do nothing else but ballet. I knew deep in my heart that if there was any possibility of having a conversation with Sophie one day, I had no choice but to give up my lifelong love of dance. She was always on my mind.
The thought that this would be my last dance kept repeating in my head. There would be no more comeback after this. Everything felt surreal. All the years of passion, love, dedication and hard work towards perfection would end here. The make-up, my pointe shoes, my costumes – had me choking with emotion. How I wished it was just a bad dream.
Then it was time for my very final performance. Pat babysat for us that night so Mum and Dad could see me dance. My heart was bursting with joy as I walked onto the Wortham stage and I knew Li was feeling the same. As the Sugar Plum pas de deux music sounded, I blocked all thoughts and just let the music flow through my body. With Li by my side I was able to let my emotions fly, as all I wanted to do was to savour this last performance. I felt emotionally transported, I felt totally free – soaring above the score one last time.
It was almost over, just a few more steps to go. I sprang forward for Li to lift me high into the air before promenading me around, turning me in fast pirouettes and finishing with a show-stopping arabesque. The audience burst into applause, thinking it was the end of our pas de deux. I then jumped forward in a catlike step for the audience to clap again in delight. The music intensified as I reached out for Li’s outstretched hand to suspend me in a striking high arabesque, then catch me darting to the side in a breathtaking finish just when the music reached its last crescendo. I had done it.
The audience erupted in thunderous applause and a standing ovation. They roared brava as we took our curtain call. Flowers were flying onto the stage. I was elated and my body was completely spent. Li gazed at me, smiling with love, as he took my hand and walked me to the front of the stage for the curtain call. I looked at him, our eyes locked, and I knew he understood me completely. The audience faded to a blur and only he and I shared this special moment together. We had experienced many highs and lows in our lives – this was such a high and it was wonderful to be in that moment together with just him. After several more curtain calls and bouquets of beautiful flowers bestowed upon me, the curtain finally came down on my dancing career.
Soon after The Nutcracker, it was time to think seriously about our future. Li and I started to talk about having another baby. He had always wanted many children – five, in fact, but I was the driver now. There were a couple of reasons why it made sense. Li and I both came from large families, so the idea of having an only child was not something either of us could contemplate. ‘Another child would give both you and Sophie a bit of space,’ he said to me. It was a subtle way of saying I was too obsessed with Sophie and her deafness. Another child would change the family dynamic, taking the pressure off the two of us being together all the time. Perhaps this would be healthier for our family as a whole. I also knew deep down that Sophie needed a sibling.