Sophie’s birthday parties were very confronting for me. For other children, these milestones represented the passing of time, but for me each birthday highlighted that Sophie was falling further behind.
A couple of months later, on 14 September 1992, a week after my thirty-fourth birthday, I went into labour and Thomas Charles was born. We named him after Sir Thomas More, who had written the seminal work Utopia in 1516 – the treasured gift I had received from Betty Anderton when I left London. The search for utopia, More said, was not a healthy attitude: the grass was not really greener on the other side of the fence; your life was what you could make it. The second name, Charles, was after Li’s best friend, Charles Foster.
Our gorgeous boy took only hours to arrive. Li was very excited. ‘Niang and Dia will be so happy! The Li family name is continued,’ he said proudly. A second grandson was cause for celebration. Li called them as soon as he could but they didn’t want to believe he was a boy.
Niang said, ‘Bie pian ren, ni shuo zhi xiang rang women gaoxing.’ Don’t fool us. You are just trying to make us happy. We had to send them a photo of our naked baby to prove their wishes had come true.
During that first day, I watched Tom intensely – could he hear? Thankfully the answer came quite quickly. A nurse was moving around in the adjoining bathroom and the toilet seat fell with a loud bang. I was looking at Tom in his crib next to me and saw him startle. This baby could hear! I hugged his tiny body with relief and kissed the top of his head. ‘He can hear! He can hear!’ I told Li excitedly, beaming with happiness and relief. The official hearing test was done the next day and, of course, he could hear.
Sophie had stayed with our good friend Marcia Nichols overnight. When Marcia brought her in the next morning, she was wearing an adorable white tutu and no shoes, with her hearing aids on and a big smile. She bounced onto the bed and gave me a hug. ‘Sophie, here’s our baby. Here’s your baby brother,’ I told her. She looked at him and smiled. I could see that she thought he was a beautiful doll. He only weighed 6 pounds 11 ounces, and could fit in my cupped hands.
I called Mum from the hospital as soon as I could. ‘How wonderful, Mary!’ she said. ‘Do look after yourself. Don’t forget to drink lots of water for your milk. And try to rest when you can. We’ll be thinking of you. Much love, darling!’ I knew she would be spending the next hour calling all my siblings with the news.
When we took Tom home, he and I got settled in the downstairs bedroom. Li would sleep upstairs with Sophie as I didn’t want her to wake up alone and scared because she couldn’t see anyone nearby. It would also give me a break to focus on Tom. I’d feed him at night and put him down, then go up to Sophie’s room. However, Li could see the toll these early weeks were taking on me, so in his half-asleep state, he would also get up to bring the hungry baby to me to be fed in bed. These arrangements continued until Tom was old enough to share the room with Sophie. She was finally happy to sleep in her room as she had company. And when Tom cried to be fed in the night, it didn’t disturb her, of course.
Sophie loved her baby brother instantly. I suppose she was relieved that there was someone else to occupy my attention, as well as being a playmate. And there we were, the four of us. It was beautiful and it was exhausting.
It was also challenging just feeding Tom with the FM wires wrapping around my chest and the microphone on the collar of my shirt. I had to wrangle the wires around my breast so I could properly position him for feeding and still speak to Sophie. Sometimes, taking them both with all their paraphernalia to the speech pathologist on top of the feeding was more than I could handle.
Sophie started kindergarten the month before Tom was born. I had chosen a nice small mainstream school. I wanted her around children who were talking, rather than with deaf children who were just making random sounds or none at all. The teacher kindly agreed to wear the FM. However, over the semester I soon saw that the background noise from the FM was confusing to Sophie when the teacher was teaching class. Although I desperately wanted her to be with hearing children and to speak, it was obvious that one-on-one was still the best option for her. Eventually I pulled her out of that school and returned to the deaf school. That night, I broke down in tears.
‘Are you okay, darling?’ Li said when he came home from work. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘No, I’m not okay,’ I blurted. ‘Sophie’s school isn’t working, so I pulled her out today. She will go back to the deaf school for half a day and then I will spend the rest of the time one-on-one with her. Honestly, I don’t know what else to do. I’m exhausted and there’s no dinner . . .’
‘I will cook dinner,’ he said.
‘Li, I don’t even want to eat! Let me just sleep. Please. You can feed Tom at his next feed. I’ve expressed some milk and it’s in the fridge.’ I was totally exhausted. I mean totally!
‘Okay, okay, darling. Do what you need to do. I can see that you need a break. I’ve been thinking about it lately . . .’
‘Whatever, Li,’ I snapped. ‘Thinking is not doing, is it?’ I was at the end of my wits.
‘I know you’re exhausted,’ he said. ‘Listen, here’s what I’ve been thinking. You know I’ve got a break for a couple of weeks at the end of October.’
‘How does that help me? Are you going to take over talking to Sophie all day?’
‘Well, yes, actually. I was thinking we should take Sophie to China to see Niang and Dia, and you’ll get some rest as we’d have lots of help from the family,’ Li suggested. ‘Also, my family is desperate to meet Tom.’
I knew the one-child policy was still in place in China, so the birth of Tom was a very significant and precious moment for Li’s family. And Niang and Dia really longed to see Sophie, too. I admitted it wasn’t a bad idea, but I just couldn’t see how it would really work. Tom was barely six weeks old, and knowing the lack of a bathroom at the commune, a hole-in-the-ground toilet and no running water, I was fearful that he would get sick. Plus dealing with Sophie and her hearing aids, her FM and my breasts entangled with the microphone wires, and no electricity to charge the equipment. I laid out all the reasons that made his idea impossible.
‘I understand, Mary, but I hate to disappoint them. Maybe I could just take Sophie. They are missing her. This would give you a break and time alone with Tom.’
‘Won’t they be disappointed not seeing Tom?’ I asked.
‘Yes, but they will understand. I could take plenty of photos of him.’
‘I think that would be fine,’ I said, the question of how well Li would deal with Sophie’s equipment still buzzing around in my head. But I just had to go with it, for all of our sakes.
Then I had an idea. Maybe my sister Jo in New York could come down and stay while Li was away. I called her, but she was dancing, she explained.
‘Maybe I could come to you? Tom’s a very easy baby. Would we fit?’ I asked, knowing that she lived in a small apartment.
‘Oh, yes! Please come, Mare. Please come!’ Jo said, delighted at the suggestion.
Li and Sophie soon left for Qingdao. I missed her terribly. It felt like I had a limb missing, but I knew I really needed time with our son, and to attend to my own health, get some sleep and recharge. I headed to the airport with Tom strapped to my chest and we flew to New York. We cabbed to Jo’s apartment in Manhattan, where she fell in love with Tom immediately.