“Sorry,” I repeated. “I’ve got some other things to do,” I added lamely and quickly walked away before she could drag me into a fight.
The look on her face as I left was pure murder.
I went straight up to my room, stripped off the horse-clothes and stepped under the showerhead. It was ice cold, but I still felt hot inside.
I should have just screwed Margot, satisfied these pent-up sexual feelings, finally forgotten about Alice and gone to bed. But I couldn’t, and not just because I’d told Alice I wouldn’t.
Was I missing something? Was there something to be said for this relationship thing after all? What about my prevailing argument? That we all grew apart eventually? But it was getting harder to justify as I wondered for the umpteenth time if this emotional connection I was starting to share with Alice would actually make the sex a thousand times better than I’d ever experienced.
I left the shower, tying a towel around my waist and pacing the living room of my suite. I cracked a mini-bottle of my own label and sipped it, but couldn’t finish it. I wanted to drink, but also wanted to stay sober and clear. I wanted to fuck, but I’d just turned down guaranteed sex.
I remembered what I’d said on the ride. Was I really just scared of ending up alone? Was it true?
And why the hell had I told Alice that?
A memory floated across my mind, one that I didn’t really remember having, and once it formed I knew why I expelled it from my thoughts. It wasn’t a conversation or even a feeling, but an image: My father sitting in front of the television with a beer. He worked construction when he wasn’t on disability which was more often than not. Da rarely paid much attention to us kids, something which at the time was a blessing. When other kids had to sneak out of the house or came to the park showing off lash marks and black eyes, a boy appreciated not having anyone to look out for.
He’d died from kidney failure sometime around when the liquor business was just starting to pick up. It was convenient. I never had to pretend that I cared about him, never had to send him money and worry about what he was doing with it. Never got the guilt trip like I got from my siblings about not giving them cash by the fist-full. But apparently that memory had always stuck around in the back of my mind. My Da, the one who looked so much like me, dying alone.
Would that be me? Would all this money mean nothing in the end? As my friends moved on and grew up and got married, would I be left alone after all?
I paced back and forth, still in the towel. My personal creed, my anger against this whole damn wedding, the pain of losing Sammy all those years ago. The emotions beat inside my skull, conflicting, battling, with this new and powerful feeling, this desire, this longing.
And it was very clear to me which was winning.
18
Alice
By the time I got back into cell range at the resort, I had three messages from Beck and one from Kylie.
* * *
Beck: You okay?
* * *
Beck: Hey! Are you coming back?
* * *
Beck: We’re leaving the restaurant and going to dance at the Sunset Lagoon. Catch us there!
* * *
Kylie: Alice, this is the exact shit I was talking about today. Tell Mac I said hi.
* * *
I sighed heavily and stowed my phone in my back pocket. I’d completely forgotten about them. I was only supposed to be gone twenty minutes, just enough time to yell at Mac and walk back, but it had ended up being well over an hour. Beck didn’t sound upset. That was good. Kylie on the other hand…
* * *
Alice: Sorry Kylie, I’ll explain later.
* * *
I had a distinct feeling my explanation wasn’t going to hold up though. To tell her the full story would mean revealing that Margot had been in play at one point. And as for why I stayed?
Well that I could barely explain to myself. I’d fallen for enough guys over the years to recognize the symptoms. But Mac? Of all people? The guy who’d been on my shit list for over a year since he punched out Daniel?
On paper Mac was perfect — fantastic job, drop-dead gorgeous, engaging personality. But in reality? He was way too boorish, too bull-headed. And above all, he didn’t believe in marriage. Not that I was ready to get hitched anytime soon, but eventually that was what I wanted. A husband and a family and all that old-fashioned domestic stability that I’d always wanted as a kid.
And the truth of the situation was that I was never going to find that with Mac. Once again a guy was showing me, outright telling me, who he was and what he wanted, and I was still trying to fit him into the perfect husband-shaped box that I longed for. Just like Daniel, just like the guys before him.
This is why you keep getting hurt, Alice. My expectations were too high and they were placed on the wrong men.
So maybe the lesson here was just to have zero expectations?
I shook my head and pulled myself from my thoughts long enough to respond to Beck.
* * *
Alice: Hey! Sorry, I’m fine. I’ll explain tomorrow. I think I’m turning in early though. Have fun!
* * *
Beck didn’t need me there to have a good time. We had the bachelorette party tomorrow after the rehearsal dinner anyway. Not to mention the massive afterparty in two days. We’d have plenty of time together. Tonight, with thoughts of Mac swirling in my head, I needed some space. I didn’t think I could pretend to have fun with a bunch of people right now. Especially with the judgment that would come — mostly from Jules — after leaving them again.
So after a bit of aimless wandering, I headed up to the suite and sat on my bed, looking out the window at the lights speckling the darkness.
The horseback ride had been beautiful. Beautiful, but strange. I hadn’t thought Mac was capable of such a kind — sweet even — gesture. It went against every notion I had of him — both preconceived and explicitly seen. Mac had just shown a side of himself that I never suspected was there. Maybe there were other surprises beneath that tough exterior, a softer Mac, a more understanding one. Maybe I just needed to coax it out of him.
I stood up and went into the bathroom, turning the shower on, and standing under the soft waterfall. There is was again. That was the thinking that so often got me emotionally invested in the ‘wrong guy’. It was the trap I’d fallen into so many times before.
Mac wasn’t any different. And yet the idea of Daniel arranging something like tonight was laughable, even after a year of dating, let alone a week of just knowing me.
Somehow, something deep inside me was telling me that Mac was different. There was just something about him, an essence, an intoxicating air of both danger and stability. It was something that excited me. And something that made me feel like everything was going to be all right.
I got out of the shower and paced around the suite, looking for distraction. Maybe I should have gone with the girls after all. I didn’t feel like sleeping. I was too wired, too wrapped up in thoughts of Mac. Maybe I should—
A knock sounded and I turned to the door like I’d been waiting for it. Had I been? I didn’t know anymore.