“Oh,” Sarah said as understanding lit her face. The confused wrinkles in her forehead smoothed into semi-permanent surprise as she stared blankly at him. After a moment, she let out a chuckle of her own and shook her head. “I’m sorry I’m staring, I’m just… really surprised to see you here.”
He smiled. “Well, I could say the same. What are you doing here?” he asked. “Do you not live in New York anymore?” he added with a twinge of hope that this encounter might not be their last.
“Oh, no, I was just in town for the weekend,” she explained, finally broken free enough from her stupor to finish replacing the fallen items into her basket.
Jacob nodded, his smile depleting a bit.
“My mom’s selling her house and moving out to the city, so we came down to help her with the moving process,” she explained, glancing distractedly back at the text message she had been in the middle of composing when they bumped into each other.
Time stood still for a lingering minute. The word “we” echoed uncomfortably in Jacob’s ear, but it wasn’t that detail that captured his attention most and made everything else fade into the background. No, what brought a sinking feeling to his gut, like the sudden drop of a roller coaster that left his stomach behind, as she lifted up her phone with her left hand, was the shimmering diamond that sparkled brightly off of her ring finger.
He was frozen for a moment, staring at her hand as his heart pounded harder in his chest, and Sarah shifted uncomfortably in the silence.
“Um,” she began, anxiously twisting the broken handle of her basket. “So… how are you?” she asked. Not in the passing, casual way your waiter might ask before taking your order, but with sincerity.
He missed the question, his mind still flooded with new questions that he was trying to ignore.
Who is it? Is that why she never came to see me? I don’t want to know who it is. What’s the difference between a wedding ring and an engagement ring, again? Is it Mike? It’s probably Mike.
Jacob blinked long and hard, shaking himself out of his reverie and turning his attention back to her face.
“Good,” he responded a few beats too late. He nodded, trying to collect himself enough to say more. “I’m good,” he finished.
Sarah stared at him for a moment, waiting, but he didn’t elaborate.
“That’s… good,” she replied with a forced, polite smile. “I’m glad to hear it.”
He wanted to say more, but he couldn’t find the words. There was too much to be said, and instead of one of the dozens of questions or declarations that swirled in his mind coming forward to start things off, they all tangled together until his thoughts were nothing but a jumbled mess. The only thing that remained was the nervous nausea in his stomach and his rapid pulse pumping hotly in his veins.
“Well… I should probably get going,” Sarah stated awkwardly.
“Oh, yeah,” Jacob agreed. “Me, too.”
“Oh… okay,” she reluctantly accepted as they headed to the front of the store together. He thought he heard her let out a small sigh, and he wondered if she had merely been making an excuse to walk away from him.
The uncomfortable silence remained as they stepped in front of the only register that was open. Jacob gestured for her to go first, and she obliged with a polite smile. It was the kind of smile you give to a stranger for being courteous, and his chest tightened at the distance of it.
Sarah and the clerk made friendly conversation while Jacob looked through the selection of beverages in the cooler by the register, happy to have something to pretend to be keeping his mind on while the woman behind the counter scanned Sarah’s items.
“Do you have a rewards card with us, honey?” the elderly woman asked, ready to punch in Sarah’s information.
Sarah replied with the negative, and the woman tapped a few buttons with her long, freshly manicured nails before instructing Sarah to swipe her card.
Jacob placed his candy bar and bottle of water on the conveyer belt as the clerk handed Sarah her receipt with her bagged items, and his adrenaline kicked into high gear as he anticipated her departure.
He desperately tried to think of something to say, something to keep her there a little longer, but none of the thoughts that came to his mind were easy questions with quick, simple answers. What was on his heart required a leisurely meal, or at the very least a deep conversation over a cup of coffee. None of what he wanted to say was something you blurt out in the grocery line.
Sarah paused as she picked up her bags, turning back to Jacob. “Well, it was nice to see you again, Jacob,” she said with a more genuine smile, this time.
“Yeah, absolutely,” he agreed with a mirroring expression.
“Take care.”
She gave him a small wave before she turned for the door, and as she walked away, he could almost tangibly feel the moment slipping out of his grasp. The nervous anxiety in his chest faded, instantly replaced by a regretful longing, and he opened his mouth, her name on the tip of his tongue.
“Cash or card, sweetheart?” the store clerk said with a volume and tone that indicated it wasn’t the first time she had asked.
“Oh, sorry. Uh, cash,” Jacob answered, handing over a few bills and quickly receiving his change.
When he made it out the front door, his eyes rapidly scanned the parking lot, but he didn’t see her. He searched harder as he walked to Callie’s car, but there weren’t many other cars in the lot for her to be hidden behind. She was gone.
As he sank into his borrowed car and closed the door behind him, his head fell back on the seat with a thump and he let out a deep sigh. The brief encounter riled his emotions, bringing to the surface all of the thoughts and memories he had successfully been repressing since he left Bellevue and New York City behind him. But now those questions were back, the drawer was open, and he wasn’t sure how to stuff them back in. With the flicker of hope that they might soon be answered, they seemed to have returned with fervor, no longer willing to be hidden away, shoved into the darkest corners of his mind for safe keeping and easy negligence. They demanded answers now, and they weren’t going to get any.
He opened his eyes and pulled his head up from its slump, staring down at the candy bar in his lap. He had gotten so caught up in the moment, not wanting to let Sarah out of his sight, that he forgot to look for a better meal option. He looked out the window at the store, but he didn’t want to deal with the hassle of a return, so he opened his candy with a grimace and took a bite as he started the car.
He thought about where he was headed next, but he couldn’t continue on with his day as if everything was normal. Not to mention the fact that he certainly wasn’t in the mood or mindset to make a good impression on any future employers at the moment, so he crumbled up the paper that held the rest of Callie’s application suggestions and stuffed it in his pocket.
He thought about going back to campus, imagined sitting in the privacy of his silent dorm room, staring at the wall and allowing all of the emotions to overtake him. He winced at the idea.
So, instead, he drove. He shoved the rest of the candy bar in his mouth, pulled quickly out of the parking lot, and took the nearest ramp onto the I-71, headed North. He didn’t know where he was going, but he had the day to kill, and driving was better than sitting and wallowing. He discovered fairly quickly that you can still sit and wallow while driving, but he did his best to keep his mind clear and focus on the road.