My jaw starts to ache from gnashing my teeth together. I look down at my latte, hoping the little design made in foam will reach out and pull me in since the chair was a disappointing failure. “This wasn’t supposed to happen.”
A sympathetic smile pulls at her lips, and Lily leans forward on her elbows. “Is this the point in our friendship where you come to me with a terrible dilemma and I’m supposed to offer you super sage wisdom and give you all the answers?”
“Yes. Definitely.”
She shrugs. “Well, shit. I’m not prepared at all. I’ve got nothing.”
I groan as my face falls into my hands. “Awesome.”
“It could be worse?” she offers, giving me a triumphant thumbs up.
I peer at her through the cracks in my fingers, shaking my head, and grumble, “No, it can’t. This is literally rock bottom.”
“Ooh, so… it’s only up from here.”
“You would make a terrible therapist.”
Lily falls back against her chair with a soft smile, and I know she’s just trying to cheer me up and make a horrible situation lighter.
She crosses her arms over her V-neck sweater and sighs. “You really want my advice?”
“I’m not sure anymore.”
She chuckles, reaching for her tea. “I would go for it, woman. Get the guy, have some hot sex, and forget about everything else.”
“That’s terrible advice,” I say, pursing my lips together with narrowed eyes.
“Yeah, well, that’s why you’re my only friend.”
I gawk at Lily for a moment, then burst out laughing, the sound of it startling me.
Lily winks at me over her cup. “You know it’s true. But for real, Cora, do what makes you happy. You’ve gone through stuff I can’t even imagine and you deserve a little happiness. Dean might not be the smartest choice on paper, but it’s your life. You can’t tiptoe around your heart in fear of pissing people off or hurting their feelings. Sometimes we need to be a little selfish in order to avoid a life of complacency.”
My fingers curl around my beverage, tightening their grip. “That was a little bit profound.”
“Right? I think I nailed it.” Lily performs a dramatic bow, then smiles over at me. “Also… just between you and me? If roles were reversed, Mandy wouldn’t hesitate.”
This grabs my attention and I jerk my head back up. “What makes you think that?”
“Call it a gut instinct.” Lily flips her braid over her shoulder with a shrug. “Let’s put it this way: did she or did she not sleep with that guy you were crushing on during those few months her and Dean split up?”
I scrunch up my nose. “Benjamin, the attorney? That was different. I was never with Ben—it was just a crush. Mandy has been with Dean for half her life.”
“I get it,” Lily replies, holding up her hands. “It’s not exactly the same… I’m just saying. She never even considered your feelings and she knew you liked the guy. I always thought it was shady.”
I twist the hem of my sweater between my hands. “That was also a long time ago. She’s grown up a lot since then.”
“Okay,” Lily says dismissively. “You’re right. My point is, no one is perfect. Everyone is a little selfish sometimes when it comes to matters of the heart.”
I lower my head, my chest constricting.
“Speaking of… I’m going to be selfish and drag you out tonight. I miss you.”
I wasn’t ready for this.
The lights, the noise, the music, the attention.
Everyone is looking at me. Everyone knows me. My face comes up in their newsfeeds. I’m on their television screens. My name slips from their mouths in casual conversation. My trauma is a trending story on their social media accounts.
My body freezes as I look around the crowded bar, squeezing my wrist with my opposite hand and massaging my pulse point. Hurried breaths escape my lips and I can hear my heart beating in my ears.
Lily links her elbow with mine, tugging me forward. “You okay?”
I lie with a nod. “I’m fine.”
“You seem tense.”
We approach a group of friends, and I know all of them except for one: Amy and her boyfriend, Trevor, and a nameless man with ebony eyes and long, black hair.
“Where’s Jason?” Lily wonders, leaning into Amy for a hug.
Amy is a petite tomboy, dressed in a baggy t-shirt and black leggings. She smiles bright as she embraces Lily. “He canceled last minute. I’m not sure.” She shifts her attention to me with wide, curious eyes, her smile lingering. “You look great, Cora. I’m so happy to see you.”
Amy doesn’t give me a hug, and I wonder if it’s because she thinks I’m dirty. Tainted in some way. Contagious. I force a pleasant expression and offer a wave. “Thanks. It’s definitely been a tough few months.”
I shake Trevor’s hand, having met him a few times in the past, then face the mysterious man to the right.
“That’s Lars, one of Trevor’s friends,” Lily introduces.
“Hi, I’m Cora.” I hold out my hand and he takes it, his gaze flickering to my chest, then drifting back up. “Nice to meet you.”
“Hey,” he says.
I tug my blouse up. I tried to wear something cute since I’ve been slumming it in sweatpants and pajamas for weeks on end, but I didn’t want anything too revealing. However, my sweetheart blouse is hanging low on my frame due to the weight I have yet to put back on, revealing more cleavage than I’d intended.
The evening presses on with idle conversation and a few rounds of drinks. I nurse a rum and Coke the entire time, trying to be invisible as the friends catch up and joke around. Lars is quiet, not saying much, but his stare is piercing—and often fixed on me. It makes me nervous, prompting me to start scratching my wrist again, even though I told myself I would stop.
“I like your eyes. They look like lily pads,” Lars says at one point, earning my full attention.
Lily perks up at the sound of her name. “What about my pads?”
“Not you, girl,” Amy says, swatting at her arm.
I send Lars a half smile, clearing my throat and forcing a small laugh. “Thank you. That’s sweet.”
Something tells me Lars is anything but sweet.
“Wanna dance?” he asks, not waiting for my reply and snaking his fingers around my wrist.
I jump back and drop my glass.
Everyone stops talking to stare at me, and I wonder if they would forget I was ever here if I made a mad dash to the exit right now. “S-Sorry, I’m such a klutz,” I mutter. I lean down to pick up the glass, but a bartender is already headed over with a broom.
Lars’ fingers are still curled around my wrist. My reaction didn’t seem to phase him, and he pulls me over to the dance floor with an impish smile stretched across his wide jaw. I catch Lily winking at me as I blindly follow the stranger out into the crowd, his large palm reaching behind my back and resting there. Tension and nerves sweep through me as the music blares louder, the crowd grows bigger, and the lights flash around me like a strobe, making me dizzy.
“Relax, doll,” Lars whispers, his voice buttery smooth.