I don’t even know anymore.
Staying together is easier than breaking up. It’s easier to be the good girl and stay in my box than try to break free. So what if I don’t have a big epic love like Nate and Mercy? Big deal. Not everyone feels that way. That doesn’t mean their relationship isn’t valid; it just means it’s different. A voice—maybe my conscience or guilt over thinking about Nathan when I have a respectable boyfriend already—whispers in my mind, do you feel that way about Nathan?
“How should I know?” I answer out loud. “I barely know the guy.”
But I want to get to know him, a voice in my head whispers.
Now I recognize it. It’s my heart betraying my head once again.
I wouldn’t say Nathan is waiting for me outside of Professor Lewis’s Colorado History class, but he’s hovering near the door. What’s more, he’s looking mighty good in clothes dressier than most wear to an 8 a.m. class—rolling out of bed and grabbing the first thing that your hands find in your dresser seems to be the normal dress code around here. The second the words “looks good” slip through my mind, I beat myself up for it. Jay’s in this class too. He was short a history credit and took Colorado History 101 because he thought it was a fluff class, plus I was in it. Jay seemed to schedule a lot of his classes because I was in them. Most people thought the habit was charming. I thought it was possessive. But I’m comfortable with Jay, aren’t I? Yes. He’s safe. There’s something to be said for picking the safe path or person. There are fewer surprises that way.
“Need help with figuring your schedule out?” I say as I stop in front of Nathan.
He grins in relief—his whole body relaxes when he notices it’s me. “I think I’m in the right place, but the room numbers on the schedule are confusing.” He holds out his schedule to show me. “This is the second floor, right, so the room number should start with a two, but it doesn’t. It says Room 325. How can Room 325 be on the second floor?”
“Because the lobby counts as the first floor,” I explain. “Technically speaking, this is the third floor even though you only went up two flights of stairs. So, lobby classrooms start with a one, first floor rooms start with a two, and second floor rooms start with a three.”
“Thanks. That helps.”
“You’re welcome.”
Nathan just stands there watching me like he wants to say something more but is afraid to. Did he dream about Nate and Mercy last night too? Does he know as much about them as I do? Did he spend half the night debating whether or not to break inter-dorm visitation rules like I did? There’s so much I want to say, but nothing comes out. But that doesn’t mean he has to stay silent.
“If you want to talk to me, just talk to me, Nathan.” I grab his hand and pull him down the hall and around the corner so Jay can’t see us when he graces the class with his presence. “We don’t have much time. Did Jay tell you he’s taking Colorado History too?”
“The less Jay and I talk the better,” Nathan replies.
“That’s probably for the best.” I look around as if expecting Jay to pop up and ruin this stolen moment between Nathan and me. Is this how Mercy felt? Is this why she ran away to meet up with Nate? Was there someone in her life who didn’t understand that she needed to run away from them?
“Well, there is something I want to talk to you about,” Nathan admits.
I let go of his hand once I realize I’m still holding on to it. “Go ahead. I promise not to laugh or think you’re weird or anything. I’m the last person who should call someone weird. There are, well, there are things that go on here that you don’t know about yet that make it impossible for me to call anyone weird. That’s just…Well, I, uh…I’ll be quiet now and let you talk. If you want to talk, that is. You don’t have to talk, it’s just—” I bite down hard on my lower lip to make the nervous flood of words stop. “Uh, I bet you can see why I’m a loner. Outside of Jay, the only person who even talks to me is my suite-mate Ritzi. No one else wants to hang out with the dean of admissions’s daughter who happens to suffer from verbal diarrhea, among other issues.”
Nathan laughs. The sound is natural and soothing. It makes me think suddenly of Nate standing next to the lake with the sun and wind catching his tawny hair and making it glow. “You’re funny,” he says and seems to mean it. “I wanted to talk to you about what I said in the hospital. I didn’t mean to scare you or come across all stalker-esque with that talk about dreams and knowing you better than you know yourself. I usually take a girl out for coffee or something first before springing the whole possible-soulmate connection on them. Sorry, I got ahead of myself there. Blame it on the concussion. So, what do you say? Coffee sometime soon?”
I smile, feeling more relaxed around Nathan after days than I feel after years around Jay. “I prefer food over coffee and, the way you talk, it makes it sound like the possible-soulmate thing is your standard pickup line.”
“Only with short blonde girls with self-diagnosed cases of verbal diarrhea who also happen to be the dean of admissions’s daughter.”
“You do remember that I have a boyfriend, right?” I remind him, though I keep my tone playful and light.
Nathan grins. “Yeah, I remember, but that doesn’t mean I like it or think he’s the right guy for you. So, is that a yes for the coffee?”
I open my mouth to come back with something cool and witty sounding, but the warning bell rings and puts an end to the small fraction of flirting we’re doing. “One-minute warning. Professor Lewis hates when people come to class late.” I grab Nathan’s hand again and pull him back down the hall and inside the classroom before I realize that maybe I don’t want to be touching him—even just somewhere normal like his hand. He doesn’t need fuel for his possible soulmate theory, and I don’t need to be reminded, thanks to the electric tingling in my hand when Nathan and I touch, of Jay’s and my relationship shortcomings. Jay is safe, I remind myself. Stick with safe.
I maneuver my way down the rows of desks to sit in my usual seat behind Ritzi. If I told anyone besides Nathan about the “I see dead people” stuff, it would be her. She’s got an earthy, chill vibe that makes me want to confide in her. I don’t because trust is hard for me, but Ritzi would be high on my list of confidantes.
Ritzi turns in her chair when she notices me sit down while Nathan finds a seat in the row next to me. “What do you think of the new do?” She motions to her dyed hair. Half of it is bright pink, the other half is bright purple, the colors separated straight down the middle part.
I smile. “I love it. Only you could pull something like that off, Ritzi.” While I’m thinking, I point at Nathan. “This is Nathan. He’s the new transfer student.”
“Hey, there. Your reputation proceeds you.” Her eyes light up in a way I don’t like once they talk, but I can’t say anything about it because Jay saunters in at the last possible second as the final bell is tolling.
Professor Lewis, as is his usual thing, starts class the second the late bell rings. “You’re late, Mr. Jameson.”