“Papa believes so,” I say.
“And what do you believe, little one?” His voice is half-teasing, his tone showing he already believes himself assured of his victory. I imagine I could tell him to go jump in the lake and still somehow come out engaged at the end of the night.
“I believe you have all the qualities I should want in a husband, James.” I keep my voice slow and measured.
“Should want?” He catches my less-than-fawning choice of words. “Naturally, any woman should want the security I can provide, but what do you want, Mercy? Truly, do not toy with me. You know full well why I requested an audience here with you tonight.”
“I want to be sure,” I say. “I want to be sure what you propose is right.”
“Perhaps a trial engagement, then?” James suggests. “It will give us a chance to know each other in a more intimate setting without the tricky hassle of a broken engagement if we part ways at a future date.” He touches my cheek. “You can wear the ring on your right hand as a promise to me and, at the End of Season Ball, you can decide whether you wish to make it a more permanent arrangement.” James’s smile is coaxing, allowing me to believe he has only good intentions at heart. “Is that acceptable to you, little one?”
“Yes, James,” I hear my own voice responding, while my heart aches for the pain my answer shall cause Nate.
Haunting, Present Day
Meredith
I lay staring at the ceiling long after Catalina brings me through the steps of returning to full consciousness. No matter how I look at it, what Nathan has been insisting all along is true. I am repeating the patterns of the past. I am. But how do I stop the cycle? Mercy buckled under the pressure. Will I do the same thing?
“How are you feeling?” Nathan asks when my staring at the ceiling lasts a little too long to get away with answering that I’m fine. “Are you feeling up to heading back to campus, or do I need to give you more time?”
I sit up in the recliner. “I’ll be okay. Just give me a second.”
I close my eyes and take several deep, steadying breaths to help ground me. I still feel a little off, like I’m half-stuck in the past. Nathan helps me off the recliner, and we pay Catalina and head outside. The fresh air hitting my face revives me more. I take another deep breath and look around like I’m seeing everything for the first time. My eyes fall on the gate to the graveyard. On a normal day, I’d avoid it like the plague, but today is far from normal.
“Nathan, let’s stop.”
He looks over his shoulder at me. “Stop where?”
I point at the gate. “The graveyard.”
“Are you sure?” He grabs at my hand when I head in that direction. “Didn’t you say you hate that place? Like, you can’t stand being anywhere near it?”
“Yeah, usually, but today is different.” I open the gate and step inside with Nathan close behind. “Maybe some of our answers are in here, and I’ve been too afraid to look until now.”
We walk the crooked rows of tombstones together. I feel ghostly hands plucking at my clothes as a flood of voices whispers through my mind. Everyone wants to be heard and remembered. I don’t have the mental strength to keep my guards and shields up today. I hear names and messages for loved ones. I should write them down, but I forgot to bring a notebook and pen.
I’m sorry, I tell them in my mind. I can’t help you today. I’ll come back. I’ll help you then. Tell me your stories then.
“Meredith?” I look up when Nathan calls to me from one of the older sections of the graveyard. “Come look at this.”
He’s standing in front of two headstones with faded but very familiar names etched into them:
Mercy Stone 1867–1888
Nathaniel Thatcher 1865–1888
“They died the same year we went to in the regression.”
After the draining day at Open Closed Doors and our discovery in the cemetery, I’m happy to fall into a dreamless sleep. The next day is Saturday. Most Saturdays I’d hang out with Jay or read, but today I just want to pull the covers over my head and ignore everything. I know without having another dream or regression that Mercy Stone made the choice society deemed acceptable. She chose James. Pattern or no pattern, I don’t see how it can end any different now. Jay is the easy choice for me, just like James was the easy choice for Mercy. It’s easier for me to play along and stay in my gilded cage instead of setting myself free. The second I think I’m ready to bend the bars in my cage, I get overwhelmed and pull back. I can’t do it. I just can’t. It’s too much to go against what Dad has taught me is the right thing to do. Maybe that makes me some sort of good girl robot, but I don’t know how to be any different. I’m not strong enough—no matter what Nathan says.
My text message alert beeps. I check it. Speaking of Nathan. The text is from him. Thinking of you is all it says.
I ignore it. It’s not my finest moment, but Nathan is so Nate-like with his eternal optimism and “love conquers all” mentality that if I tell him my thoughts are going in the maybe- Mercy-made-the right-choice-by-picking-what-society-deemed-acceptable direction, he’ll be crushed. He’ll think I’m giving up and not even attempting to fix the past-life patterns or, as he deems them, mistakes. Whatever we have going on between us is very new and fragile. We’re friends for sure, but we’re also in a weird not-quite-a-couple limbo state. Does Nathan expect the happy ending that Mercy and Nate didn’t get? Am I brave enough to break it off with Jay for him?
My text message alert beeps again.
Nathan: We should talk. Coffee later?
I’ll only end up hurting him once he figures out I’m not the girl he expects me to be.
Me: I can’t. Studying.
Nathan: On a Saturday?
Me: Big test on Monday. Sorry.
The lie hurts almost as much as disappointing Nathan.
My phone rings. I check the screen. I expect it to be Nathan, ready to talk me out of my supposed study plans, but it’s Jay.
“Hey, babe. What’s my favorite girl doing?” His voice sounds distant like he’s driving around some twisty mountain road.
“Waiting for you to call.” One reason I stick to the safe path is because I know what to expect. Jay always calls me every Saturday. It’s like clockwork. He’s safe. He’s steady. What’s wrong with that? “Let’s go somewhere,” I decide. “How soon can you pick me up?”
“I can be there in twenty,” he says.
“Sounds perfect. I’ll be ready.”
Jay and I drive to Stone Lake. It’s a favorite spot from when we were first dating before things became so routine I forgot why I was dating him. Now, it feels like forever since we’ve been up here.
“Remember when we used to come up here every weekend and just sit by the water and talk?” I zip up my hoodie to protect myself from the cold breeze coming off the water. “It seems like so long ago. I don’t even remember what we talked about.”
“We talked about your mom.” Jay wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me close as we walk. “You wanted to tell me everything about her. It was like if you got every memory out, they’d last twice as long with two people keeping them safe instead of just one. You don’t talk about her anymore. Why not?”