“I guess I ran out of memories.”
“Or maybe you found someone else to share them with.”
“Don’t say stuff like that, Jay. You know it’s not true.” I lean into him to block the wind—and to remind myself how protected I feel with Jay around. There’s no doubt in my mind my safety and well-being would always come first if I took the path that leads to Jay.
“No, I don’t know it’s not true,” he insists. “I’ve barely seen you alone in the last couple of weeks, and when I do, you’re distracted. It’s like you’re dialing in your alone time with me. What am I supposed to think, Meredith? Tell me, ’cause I’d really like to know.”
“All you need to think is I’ve had a lot on my mind.” I look at the sky, watching the clouds drift by. “I’m distracted. It’s nothing more than that. I’m sorry if you think I’ve been neglecting you. That wasn’t my intention at all.”
“Then what was your intention?”
I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose with my thumb and index finger. “Are we going to do this now? Can’t we just have a nice afternoon, Jay?”
“You’re right. You’re right,” he agrees. “I wanted to make this a perfect afternoon for us, and now I’m screwing it all up.”
We sit on the sandy steps leading to the lake swimming area. Jay brushes off the third step before taking off his jacket for us to sit on. We’re silent, just sitting side by side watching the water lap at the shore before Jay speaks up again.
“Hey, do you really believe in that fix-the-mistakes-of-the-past-or-be-doomed-to-repeat-them-forever stuff?” he asks.
I stare at the water, remembering how many times Mercy and Nate ran off to a lake to be alone. Was this their lake? “Sometimes, I don’t know what I believe anymore.”
“’Cause I was doing some research into this James Piper guy that Psychic Granny said I looked like, and some things kind of matched up.”
I sit up straighter, surprised at this news. “Jay! You looked into it yourself?”
Color floods his cheeks. “Yeah, um, it’s not a big deal. I thought I’d check some old newspapers and stuff since he was supposed to be a big society guy around this area. I found out that, after his fiancée died, he never married. He was loyal, see? I get that. I would do the same thing if that were me instead of him. No one could ever replace you in my heart, Meredith.” I open my mouth to say something, but Jay plows on before his words or courage can fail him. “I know we’re young and we don’t talk that much about love and all that, but I really can’t imagine what my life would be like without you. I don’t want to imagine what my life would be like without you, Mer.”
“You never will.” I squeeze his knee. “We were friends first, remember? That will never change.”
“The thing is, I don’t think just friends is enough for me. Not after what we’ve had for the last couple of years.” He gulps down his fear and keeps talking. “I’m turning pro in May after graduation. I know that’s a big decision and I should have asked what you thought first, but skiing is, like, my job. Going pro is like going from part-time to full-time.” Jay holds his hand palm up toward me. I take it. “I didn’t skip senior year because I didn’t want to lose what we had, Mer. I still don’t want to lose it.”
“Friends first, remember?” My chest constricts. It feels like I’m losing him already. “Congrats. I know you’ll be great on the pro circuit, Jay. With or without me cheering you on.”
“But that’s the point I’m trying to make and doing it badly.” Jay brushes his windswept hair out of his face with his free hand and looks at me straight on for the first time since we got to the lake. “I don’t want to ever be without you, Meredith. I don’t know how. I mean, I know I had fourteen years before I met you and all, but they weren’t the greatest. I like to think I didn’t really live until your dad introduced us.”
My free hand flutters to my heart. This is the real Jay. This is the reason he’s my boyfriend—not because his parents are rich or my dad says he’s from the right social circle. I date him because he cares for me. That goes a long way. I’m convinced Dad can’t remember my birthday and wouldn’t remember my full name if it wasn’t printed on my student file, but Jay always remembers.
“Jay, I love that you’re so sure about us, but I couldn’t live with myself if you limited your future because of me,” I say. “Just think about that, okay? Life outside of Haunting will be so exciting for you. It won’t take you long to forget all about me.”
“Why would you say something like that? I could never forget all about you,” Jay insists. “Am I supposed to act like the last years have meant nothing to me? I can’t do that, Mer. I just can’t.”
“What do you suggest?” The words come out a little breathy as a memory flashes through my mind of Mercy and James having a similar conversation on the veranda at the Paradise Shores Hotel. A talk where James proposed at the end of it. Is that what’s happening now? Could Jay be proposing?
“Well, I know we’re still young, and I totally don’t expect you to say yes yet, but a maybe would be cool.”
My heart thumps in my chest. He is. Oh, gosh, what am I going to say when he gets the words out, and I’m supposed to give an answer? Maybe I’m reading too much into things. What are the odds I have a memory of Mercy getting engaged to James right before Jay asks me practically the same thing?
“A maybe to what, Jay? You haven’t asked me anything yet.”
“Oh! Um, I was wondering if you’d want to marry me. Not now, but in a couple years after I’ve been on the pro circuit for a while. I got a ring. It doesn’t have to be an engagement ring just yet. It can be a, you know, promise ring. I guess I should show it to you first before you make any sort of decision. It can take the place of the Claddagh ring I gave you before. You know, something a little more permanent. You can even wear it on your right hand for now like the Claddagh ring.” He fumbles around in his pocket before producing a box with the biggest non–engagement ring diamond I’ve ever seen sitting inside.
Words from another time and place float back to me at the sight of Jay’s gift. You can wear the ring on your right hand as a sort of promise to me and, at the End of Season Ball, you can decide whether you wish to make it a more permanent arrangement. Like Mercy, I find myself tired and more than a little overwhelmed with what society expects of me. Rich girls don’t marry poor boys. That’s what a girl told writer F. Scott Fitzgerald once. It stuck with him so much that he used it in The Great Gatsby. My dad would parrot the sentiment, I’m sure, if he ever guessed my mind and heart were a big jumbled mess. For him, there was only one choice, and I better make it. Or else.
“So, what do you say?” Jay looks so hopeful that I can’t bust his heart into a million pieces.
But what about Nathan?
As much as I try to push my growing feelings for Nathan aside, they’re still there, blooming. No matter how many times I tell myself Jay is the one I’m with, Jay is the one I want, my heart still asks, “What about Nathan?” Is it even possible to have feelings for two boys at once? Jay is safe and everything I should want. Nathan challenges me in ways I’ve never been challenged before. I know we’re not living in the 1800s and society’s rules aren’t as strict as they were for Mercy and Nate, but can I really go against everything that’s been drilled into me since an early age just on the off chance that a poor, scholarship student like Nathan might make me happy? I can’t guarantee a rich sports star like Jay will make me happy either, but at least he’s familiar and safe. I know what to expect. Too much of any potential relationship with Nathan seems to hinge on not falling into the same soul-patterns that we may or may not have been repeating for centuries. What if I choose neither? What if I focused on figuring out who I was solo instead of part of a relationship? Do I really always want to be examining myself and my relationship like that? Sure, it means soul growth, but at what price?