“I know you’re not,” I assure him. “Are you really cool with taking a step back and being more casual instead of committed? You can tell me the truth, Jay.”
He closes his eyes again, thinking. When he opens them, he nods. “Not really, but I think I can be. And, Mer, about the whole shutting-down thing? I get it. You may think I don’t, but I do. You’re scared and confused, and that’s why you shut down. I should have been there for you. I should have recognized it, and I didn’t. I was so caught up in my own petty feud with Vale that I forgot about what you were going through. I’m sorry, Mer. I won’t let it happen again. If you want to slow things down, we slow things down.” He taps the pocket holding the promise ring. “Remember this is waiting for you, just like I am.”
I blink back tears before throwing my arms around his neck. “Oh, Jay! I don’t deserve you!”
“Sure you do,” he whispers close to my ear, though I feel he’s talking to himself instead of me. “You just won’t let yourself believe it yet.”
As we’re clinging to each other, a voice comes over the loudspeaker announcing, “Now it’s time to award our trophies!” I pull back before Jay does, feeling embarrassed that now of all times is when the emotional floodgates break down.
“They’ll call your name soon.” I watch as the sixth and fifth place finishers accept the awards. “Do you want me to wait in the parking lot?”
“Will you stand up there with me?” he asks. “I appreciate your support, Meredith, no matter how you choose to give it.”
I take his offered hand, and we walk up on stage side by side as they announce Jay as the winner. He coaches me to just relax and smile as camera flashes go off from the media and fans. Can I get used to a life of this? Jay oozes charisma while I feel as invisible as the ghosts in the Haunting cemetery. As much as he talks about wanting a simple life somewhere with just the two of us, would he give up all this fame and fortune for me?
Jay drops me off at campus before heading to the ski team victory party. For the first time, I don’t feel awkward or on edge on what’s expected of me with saying goodbye. Do I kiss him? Do I not kiss him? It doesn’t matter. I make up my own rules now. It’s my life. I’ll live it how I want from now on.
Abigail is waiting for me in my dorm room. I jump back before realizing it’s just her. Some ghosts are not as friendly around town. I motion for her to come away from the open bathroom suite door. If Ritzi is home, she might overhear what, to her, looks like me talking to myself.
“What are you doing here?” I whisper. “I thought you were hanging with Ritzi now.”
“I can see glimpses of myself in her, miss, but she can’t hear me,” Abigail says. “How am I supposed to guide her from my mistakes if we can’t communicate? Even if she could hear me, how do I make her understand I don’t want my regrets to become her regrets?”
“I’ll buy Ritzi a Ouija board.” I’m only half-joking.
Abigail shakes her head. “No, miss. Those are not toys. Certain darknesses might slip through no matter how pure your intentions.”
“What about a séance?” I like the idea the second it comes to me. “Ritzi is planning to demonstrate a Victorian séance for our living history project. You just need to make sure you’re the spirit that comes through and... there you go. Communication.”
“Perhaps.” She doesn’t sound convinced. She lowers her gaze, catching sight of my jewelry-free hand. “Oh, miss, are you choosing Mr. Nathan? Mercy would be so pleased.”
“I’m choosing neither.” I hate to spoil her excitement. “I’m choosing not to decide yet. In a way, I guess, I’m choosing me. I want to do what makes me happy instead of what makes everyone else happy. That’s not a bad thing, is it?”
“No, miss,” Abigail agrees. “I think Mercy would be right proud of your decision.”
“Abigail?” I’m not sure how to ask my next question but decide to try my best anyway. “Why is it that the ghosts I want to see the most—my mom, Mercy, Nate—never come around?”
“They must be at peace, miss,” she says. “I believe you’ve helped Mercy and Nate in that regard. It’s only us restless spirits that stick around longer than we have to.”
“What can I do to help you be at peace, Abigail?”
“Nothing, miss.” She nods toward Ritzi’s room. “By helping her, I believe I’ll help myself find peace.”
I smile. I’d hug Abigail, but I know my arms will go right through her. “Thank you for being my friend. I better talk to Nathan now. He needs to know my decision too.”
“Good luck, miss.”
I turn when I’m at the door, my hand hovering above the doorknob. “Thanks, Abigail. Good luck with Ritzi. I hope you find your peace.”
She bobs a curtsy before disappearing.
Nathan opens the dorm room when I knock. “Where’s Jay?”
“Out getting pizza with the rest of the main team and the adoring masses after another crushing victory,” I say. “He dropped me off at campus. Can I come in?”
He steps aside and makes a sweeping gesture with his arm. I glance at his empty, still-made bed.
“No suitcase. Are you staying?”
Nathan points at my right-hand ring finger. “No ring? Did you break up with Jay?”
I run a hand through my hair. It feels naked without Jay’s ring on it. “I feel like we should play rock, paper, scissors to decide who talks first. I have questions, you have questions. Who goes first?”
“Ladies first.”
I smack his arm. “You just want to know what happened with Jay!”
Nathan flashes an embarrassed grin before sitting on his bed. “Well, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious, but if you want me to go first, I’ll go first. One thing I’ve learned from Nate is not to run from my problems, so I’m not running. I’m sticking it out here and will fight. For you, for me, and for everything I want and think I deserve in this life. Besides, I can’t leave you and Ritzi in the lurch for our group project. She says she has something killer for the séance part of the presentation.”
My heart beats a little faster with just a twinge of jealousy at the mention of Ritzi’s name. “Have you, uh, talked to her? She was a little confused with where things stood with you and her.”
Nathan shrugs. “She might still be confused. I don’t know about Ritzi, but I’m keeping things in the friend zone. What did you decide?” he asks. “About Jay, I mean.”
I sit next to him on the bed. “One thing I learned from Mercy is not to follow my head so much instead of my heart, so I followed my heart.” I twist my hands in front of me. “It feels a little weird to make decisions based on what makes me happy instead of what makes everyone else happy, but I think I can get used to it. Jay and I didn’t break up. Not completely, at least. I asked to slow things down to casual, and he agreed. I feel a little selfish coming here and going, ‘Hey, I didn’t completely break up with my boyfriend, but maybe I can date both of you to figure out if one of you has an advantage.’ Casual sounds worse when I say it out loud. I don’t mean I will be running around dating half the ski team. I just mean I want you both to know there’s an even playing field. I want it out in the open, so no one feels like they have to sneak around and lie to anyone. Is that selfish?” I chew on my bottom lip. “Am I selfish?”