I pull my legs up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. “Graduation is months off, Jay. Do we need to talk about this now?”
“We need to talk about it sometime.” Jay pulls into the parking lot of the ski slope where the meet is held but doesn’t get out of the car. “Graduation may seem like a long way off to you, but it’s under six months for me. That will go by fast, Mer. Faster than we think.”
I distract myself from giving him an answer by looking around. The location is just a big hill, some bleachers for fans, and white tents for trophies and refreshments. I’m not a fan of the cold, so hanging out watching people ski has never been my idea of a fun time. “We’ll talk about it,” I say. “Just not right now.”
“If not now, when?”
“After the meet. I promise.”
We climb out of the car. Jay grabs his ski gear from the back seat. I pull my wool newsboy cap as far down on my head as it will go and wrap my scarf around my neck a couple extra times for warmth. I can’t get excited about being here. I should cheer until my voice is hoarse with the rest of the ski groupies. I should have a huge sign with some cute slogan on it or a giant picture of Jay that I spent hours making by hand. I should have been up all night puff-painting a “Jay’s #1” t-shirt that I’d display despite the freezing temps and little news coverage. Instead, I barely manage a smile when a local reporter asks Jay and me to pose for a picture and give a quote for his write-up on the event. After telling the reporter that I support Jay “no matter what” and “of course I think he will win because he’s amazing at whatever he does,” Jay leaves me at the stands with a kiss and the promise to find me after the results are final. I buy a cup of hot chocolate and settle in to watch the meet.
I know little about skiing, but I do know there’s a reason Jay could have skipped his final year of school and turned pro this year instead of waiting. He’s amazing. A prodigy. Once he’s down the slope, everyone else might as well pack up and go home. He cruises through the competition, beating his nearest opponent by eight seconds.
Jay finds me in the tent buying another hot chocolate. “Hey, babe, were you watching the whole time? It was one of my best runs ever.” He kisses me, still pumped from his win. “I really showed those pros in the audience who to watch out for on the tour next season. Look out, world. Jay Jameson is on the scene.”
“You were great.” I turn my head so that he only gets my cheek when he leans in for another kiss. “Um, Jay, can we, um, can we have that talk now? The one you wanted in the car but I wanted to wait on?”
He looks around to make sure we’re the only ones in the white tent. When another group comes in to get refreshments, he takes my hand and leads me out of earshot, which I’m grateful for I don’t plan to be yelling, but I don’t want anyone to overhear us, either.
“Okay, what gives?” Jay asks once we’re a safe distance away from anyone that might hear us. “Does this have anything to do with Vale?”
Jealousy does not look good on Jay. I pull my arm free but don’t answer the question. Why does he always bring up Nathan? Can’t he see that we had problems long before Nathan showed up?
“Well, does it?” Jay demands.
“No!” I shout. “Why would you bring up Nathan at a time like this? This has everything to do with you and me, Jay, and nothing with him. Leave Nathan out of it.”
Jay grabs my arm again and leads me further away from the tent and the now-curious gawkers. So much for not raising our voices or causing a scene. “Why wouldn’t I bring him up? I have eyes, Meredith. I knew from the second Vale came into our lives that he’s been after you. He hasn’t made it a secret. What have you done to discourage him? Nothing. How do you think that makes me feel?” He gestures toward the dwindling crowd in the stands. “I have a line of girls a mile long just begging for my attention, and the one girl I want—the one girl I need—acts like I’m invisible. Guess what? I have Nathan friggin’ Vale to thank for that. There’re three people in this relationship, not two.”
“Stop dragging Nathan into our problems,” I hiss. “This has nothing to do with him. I told you before, it is you and me, Jay, so leave him out of it.”
“See!” he cries. “You’re still defending him! I can’t believe he sent you out to fight his battles. Where is he?” Jay looks around like he expects Nathan to jump out from behind a tree. “Is he waiting in the parking lot so you can ride off into the sunset together, laughing over poor Jay’s busted-up heart?” He grabs my arms above the elbows, squeezing a little too hard.
“Jay! Jay, you’re hurting me.”
His eyes go wide as if he just realized what he did. His fingers open, and we both step back in opposite directions. “I-I-I’m sorry, Mer. I didn’t mean it. I don’t know why I did that. I swore to myself I’d never act like him. I’d never act like my dad and then…and then I do. You’re never going to forgive me, are you? I wouldn’t forgive me if I were you. You don’t need my frickin’ baggage. I don’t even want it.”
“Jay, you are not your father.” I reach a hand out and lay it across his cheek, hoping my touch might make the words sink in faster. “And I’m not breaking up with you.”
His brow and lips pucker in confusion. “You’re not?”
“No, I’m not. I just need to change our dynamics a little.” I take off his promise ring and hold it out to him. “I should give this back to you, though. I don’t want to break up, but it’s a good idea if we slow things down.” I look at the ring he hasn’t made a move to take back. So many promises wrapped up in a piece of jewelry that I don’t know I’ll be able to keep. “Everything got really confusing really quick once I started exploring my connection to Mercy. I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s not fair to any of us if I just ignore what I learned or Nathan’s part in it. Just like it’s not fair to any of us if I ignore what I feel for you either, Jay. I know that’s not quite the answer you want to hear. It’s complicated and doesn’t involve you and me running off to some mountain cottage together, but it’s the truth. I want to be honest with you. I should have been honest with you from the start. I’m sorry if I haven’t been. I do want to be with you, but all this future-promise-marriage talk is scaring me. It’s making me shut down instead of going all in like you deserve. I don’t want to do that to you. Until I know for sure I can go all in, I need to take a step back and take things more casual rather than committed.” I bite down hard on my bottom lip. “You’ve been nothing but patient with me, Jay, with not a whole lot in return, but this is what I want.”
Jay curls my fingers around the ring before leaning forward to kiss my forehead. “It’s a lot better than where I thought the conversation was going.”
I breathe a sigh of relief. “You mean it?”
Jay pockets the ring. He closes his eyes and takes deep breaths in and out. When he opens his eyes, I can tell he puts on a brave face for me. Not for himself—for me. Jay motions at my arms. “I’m sorry I grabbed you like that, Mer. I’m not like my dad. I promise.”