Fender and I hadn’t spoken since that party.
Just when I thought things were good between us, they weren’t. I thought he’d forgiven me for my mistake, but in reality, he would never forgive me. He would always throw it in my face the instant I did something he didn’t like.
It was like a permanent scar.
But perhaps that was fair…because I didn’t regret it anymore.
I’d do it again.
I texted Fender. I’m heading out tonight. Is there anything you need me to do before I leave?
His response was immediate. Your job.
I sighed and set the phone on the table.
His message popped up again. Or is that too difficult for you?
I knew I should just let it go, but I couldn’t. Asshole, I’m just trying to protect you. But if you don’t give a damn, I’ll stop trying.
If you wanted to protect me, you wouldn’t have allowed some cunt to burn my fucking camp.
Different issue, Fender. Napoleon is bad news.
I’m in charge. Not you. So fuck off.
This time, I threw my phone at the wall.
Footsteps sounded a moment later as Raven came upstairs to investigate the noise. She stopped and looked at the phone on the floor against the wall and then at me on the couch. Instead of asking a million questions, she picked up the phone from the floor then sat beside me. She set the phone on my thigh.
I didn’t touch it. I sat with my face propped against my closed knuckles, staring at the TV without really paying attention to what I was watching. I clenched my jaw then chewed the inside of my cheek, so angry but with no outlet to express it. Sometimes I wanted to beat the shit out of my brother.
She tucked her feet under her ass and propped up her body to look at me.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I assumed.”
I didn’t look at her.
She scooted closer to me until we were side by side. When I didn’t resist her, she rubbed her hand across my chest then pressed a kiss to my neck.
I didn’t give a reaction, but I liked it.
Her hand moved underneath my shirt, and she came closer to me, rubbing the hard muscles of my core as her lips continued to kiss my neck, her small tongue gliding over the warm skin, making me breathe hard, making my dick stiffen in my jeans.
Her hand undid my jeans then dragged them down along with my boxers, so my cock came free.
I thought she was going to get on top of me.
But then she moved her head down.
I pulled her away from me then got to my feet, pulling up my jeans and my boxers to hide my disfigurement. I didn’t want her to see it, but she would have to see it eventually. I didn’t want to relive that moment, and I didn’t want to hurt her either. I moved to the other couch and sat down.
She slowly sat up and stared at the side of my face since we were perpendicular to each other. She scooted to the edge of the couch and rested her hands on her knees. She was quiet, as if she didn’t know what to do in this moment.
I didn’t know what to do either. My arms rested on my knees, and I leaned forward, looking at the hardwood reflecting the sunlight coming through the window. “We’re going back to the camp tonight.”
She didn’t protest. “But that’s not what’s wrong.”
“I don’t want to talk about what’s wrong.”
A long stretch of silence passed. I sat on one couch, and she sat on the other. Then she left her couch and came to mine, taking a seat beside me, like she somehow knew something was coming. She pressed a kiss to my neck then rested her chin on my shoulder while her hand moved to my thigh. She always sprinkled me with affection, and I fucking loved it. It felt so good to have a woman’s touch like that, to have her devotion because I earned it.
“I have to tell you something.” I kept my voice steady because that was the only way to have this conversation. Just get it over with. Put it out there then move past it. “I wouldn’t share it with you…but you’re going to find out anyway.”
She pulled away slightly, but her hand remained on my thigh. “Okay…”
“I told you I was tortured after…” I kept my eyes on the floor, but I could see her movements in my peripheral vision.
Her breathing increased, and her fingers loosened against my jeans. Her energy changed, subtly panicky, like she wanted to run but there was nowhere to go.
I got to my feet, unfastened my jeans, and turned around. I could just tell her what happened, but she would see it at some point, and I’d rather just get it all over with now.
Now, she looked confused, like she had no idea what I was about to show her. She’d been with me last night, but it was too dark to notice anything, and we were both distracted by the moment.
Then I pushed my pants and boxers down.
My cock was soft, so it was easier to see the difference.
She spotted it instantly, her eyes watering like a dam had broken behind her gaze, and she covered her mouth to stifle the scream that wanted to burst from her lungs. Like it was too ghastly to confront, she dropped her chin and covered her face with both hands, her body suddenly heaving with the sobs that took her over. “No…” She broke down in front of me, overcome with so much pain that she couldn’t process it all. “Oh my god…”
I pulled up my pants then stared at her, watching her grieve for me. Her heartbreak would have been revenge to me months ago, but now I just felt sick. Her pain was worse than the pain I’d actually had to endure when it happened.
I moved to the seat beside her, then wrapped my arm around her, comforting her the way I did after Alix had her half naked and bent over on the bed. This woman didn’t shed a tear often, so when she did, it was real…it was horrific. I pulled her into me and rested my chin on the top of her head as I listened to her wail.
“I’m so sorry…”
I closed my eyes, hearing the ring of truth.
“I’m so…” She couldn’t finish because she was overcome with tears.
I could relive the memory and feel the flood of hatred overwhelm me, but I didn’t. I didn’t hold on to the past. I didn’t hold on to what she’d done to me. We’d taken cuts for each other, our bodies mosaics of scars because of everything we’d done to protect the other. That was when I realized there was no act more loyal than that, that we would literally do anything for each other…and that was beautiful. “I forgive you.”
Seventeen
Guard Dog
She didn’t want to leave.
She took a long time to get ready, even though all she needed to do was put on her uniform. She didn’t need to do her hair and makeup. There was no preparation at all, but she still took forever.
When I walked into her bedroom to hurry her up, I stopped and watched her.
She sat in front of the window, seeing the lights of the Eiffel Tower in the darkness. She stared without blinking, as if she were saying goodbye to the structure that acted as a monument to her heart.
I gave her a few minutes.
She must have known I was there because she said, “I don’t want to go to the camp, but I don’t want to leave this place more, if that makes sense.”
It did. “We’ll be back in a month.”