The fantasies of him returning to confess his undying love eventually gave way to anger, an emotion so powerful it bordered on hatred, but hating the father of my child was something I could never bring myself to do. I can’t even lie to myself and say I wanted him to stay away forever.
I close my eyes, hating the way my head and heart are battling. Tears threaten and that makes my back stiffen. If I thought I was over him, I was sadly mistaken. He has more power over me than I thought, and that only makes me angrier.
I open my eyes to glare at him. He watches my face, no words coming out of his mouth.
“We have a lot to discuss.” I pull my eyes away, focusing on sweeping my hands down my thighs before resting my hands in my lap.
“We do.” His voice cracks.
Neither of us speak for long moments, but I track his movement as he takes a seat on the couch. I chose the recliner on purpose. It made it impossible for him to get too close to me.
“Andy doesn’t know you,” I begin.
“I want to change that. I was—”
I hold my hand up, silencing him like Dad did half a dozen times to me earlier.
I take pride in the way his mouth snaps closed.
“I don’t think it’s smart to just drop him at your house. You need to spend time with him here first.” As much as I hate the idea, Dad was right about me needing to be around when they first get to know each other. “He calls Apollo dada, and I don’t want you correcting him. I don’t want you encouraging him to call you anything but Drew for now.”
He nods, and that surprises me. I figured Drew would show up and demand his place in Andy’s life, pushing any connections the child made while he was incarcerated out of the way.
“We can start small. Maybe an hour a day.”
“Okay,” he readily agrees.
“I don’t want you bringing him gifts every time you show up. It’s like you’re trying to buy his love.”
“That’s not—”
“It’s creepy,” I interrupt.
“Okay.”
His hasty agreement makes me feel like I’m being the biggest bitch in the world, but I don’t want my son to get hurt. This man was adamant in his letter that fatherhood wasn’t what he wanted. I was a mistake. Andy was a consequence of that mistake, and he wished it never happened. He blamed me for his actions that landed him in prison, and I think that hurt the most because before he was sentenced, he was hellbent on making it right. He was willing to pay for his actions only to turn them around and point those fingers at me.
“And not every day.” He frowns at this. “The days he has nursery school he’s overly tired and cranky. It would be too much stimulation for him.”
“Can I just sit with him on those days?”
I blink over at him. “You just want to sit and watch him?”
I figured he’d want to play and get him riled up, another thing I was going to have to put effort into to calm him down when Drew went back home.
“Well, yeah.” He scratches at his cheek like maybe it was a dumb suggestion. “Do you ever just sit and watch him play?”
“All the time.”
“I’d like to do that too.”
“You coming over here is for him. I don’t want you thinking I’m going to carry on a conversation with you. We’ve said what we need to say.”
He frowns again, and I hate that even disappointed, the man is handsome.
The fact is, we haven’t said anything.
He said what he wanted to say in that awful letter and yet the second he’s released, he’s here in my face.
“We don’t have to talk. I’m here for Andy.”
And that declaration feels like a knife to the heart.
“Very good.” I stand, indicating that the conversation is over.
“Can I see him? I can keep an eye on him while you work on schoolwork or something.”
I search his face. What does he know about how I spent my life while he was gone? I’ll be furious if I find out that Lawson or Delilah have been sharing information about me to him.
“When you visit, I’ll be in the room.” He doesn’t look discouraged at all by this information. “I get schoolwork done while he’s at nursery school.”
“Okay.” It’s another quick agreement.
“And I should’ve started that half an hour ago.”
He stands, walking toward the front door.
“Thank you,” he says as he reaches for the doorknob. “I’m glad you aren’t making this difficult. In my head, I was imagining that you wouldn’t let me see him. I know I hurt you, and I want—”
“Goodbye, Drew. You can visit with him tomorrow. He wakes up from his afternoon nap about three.”
He nods, and I’m thankful he isn’t pushing the issue and leaves.
I wish I could say I go right upstairs and get to work on my assignments, but I spend the first hour after he left crying into my damn pillow.
Chapter 36
Drew
“This may not be the best time.”
My hope falls the second the words leave Izzy’s mouth. Even though I was agreeable with her rules yesterday, I still walked away wondering why she was making it so easy for me to spend time with Andy. Maybe she didn’t feel safe refusing me, which is nuts because I’ve never given her any reason to be fearful.
You went to prison for killing a guy. That’s enough, idiot.
“Okay.”
My chest constricts. I want to see my son. Legally, I have rights to see him, but if Izzy doesn’t want me here, then what can I do short of hiring an attorney and fighting for the right. It would only hurt her even more, and that’s not my intention, but I’m not walking away and just forgetting he exists.
Hound’s option one, the one where I just leave and sign over my rights will never happen.
I didn’t want to have a custody battle for him either. Doing so would obliterate any chance of getting her to love me again.
“Maybe tomorrow?”
“That might be better.”
“Okay.”
I’m unable to hide my disappointment when I turn to leave.
“Drew.” She sighs. “It’s just that—”
You hate me, and had time to think about what we agreed to yesterday, and now you’re backpedaling.
“Gigi and Dad went to dinner. I have Jamie and Amelia here as well.”
I tilt my head, not fully understanding.
“They’re like siblings. You’re not going to get very much individual time with him if you stay.”
“I like kids,” I say with a shrug, my chest reinflating at the possibility that all isn’t hopeless. “I can hang out with all three of them.”
Her eyes narrow, tiny hazel slits looking up at me, and I don’t know if she’s leery about me unconcerned about being with three children or if it’s because I wrote in my letter that I didn’t want kids.
Not all of that was false. I never imagined wanting kids, but almost from the very first second I knew she was pregnant with Andy, I knew I wanted to be his dad.
“I don’t mind.”
“You’re sure?”
“The more the merrier.”