Fuck…
“So,” he continues, grinning at me now, pink tinging his cinnamon-colored cheeks. “Was Elisi correct in thinking you want to hurt me?”
I stare at him, openmouthed like a fish, eyes brimming with tears. His words affected me more than I’d ever like to admit. My sister is safe. My sister is loved. My sister loves.
This is the moment I’ll remember forever, until my body is no more and my memories are all I have in the abyss.
“Willow?” he urges, looking nervous now.
I wipe away a stray tear that trickles down my cheek. “I don’t want to hurt you, Nokosi.” He looks relieved by that fact. But then I finish, “I want to kiss you.”
Lilith
I hold back my sister’s hair as she vomits into the basin. She’s deteriorating at a rapid pace and Mom is worried. She wants to take her to a hospice to live out her final days, but I just can’t bear it.
“Go,” Willow tells me when she’s stopped puking and is feeling a bit better. “Mom’s got me. Just go.”
“I’m not leaving you.”
“You’ve been planning this beach trip for days. Please just go,” she gives me a strong shove and grins at me. “Please… it would make me happy if you would go.”
“Let me get you comfortable first.”
Mom takes her other arm and we guide her to bed where I set her up with her laptop and phone.
Mom sits by her bedside, not looking at me, unspeaking. She’s not taking this well.
“I should stay.”
“No!” Willow yells and I can tell I’ve annoyed her. “Just go. Be with Nok. You’ve abandoned him enough for me lately.”
I’m surprised she’s suddenly on his side, up until now she has only ever spoken about him with animosity. I wonder what changed. Maybe she’s finally willing to stay?
“Besides, I’ve got shit to figure out. I don’t need you breathing down my neck.”
“What shit?”
The look she gives me has me raising my hands in surrender. “Okay, okay… sorry I asked.” But then I panic and swing back around. “Wait… please don’t tell me you’re going to…”
“No,” she replies, frowning. “Nothing like that. It’s just something I need to know about. Something unrelated.”
Satisfied with her answer, I head out. My sister has never been a liar, not with me. She evades the truth but she doesn’t lie. I trust her that much. That and as selfish as it is, I really want to go to the beach.
It’s cold, I mean, it’s February so of course it is, but they like to build a bonfire with driftwood and some of them surf while the rest of us watch. Though I can see myself surfing if we can rent a wetsuit. I’ve never surfed before and I love a thrill.
He’s outside, leaning against the side of his truck waiting for me, looking at the invisible watch on his wrist.
“Impatient,” I admonish, leaning into him to kiss his lips.
Grinning, he wags his brows, opens the door for me, and smacks my ass as I climb inside.
I love it when he does that.
“If only we had bikini weather.” Nokosi sighs heavily once in his own seat. His eyes linger on my breasts which are hidden behind two layers, my white top that gets floaty at my stomach, and my thick bra that makes my tits look a bit rounder.
“You see me in my underwear all the time,” I point out, helping myself to his soda in the cup holder below the stereo.
He snatches it from me. “It’s not the same as a bikini.”
My head hits the headrest as I laugh. “It’s exactly the same thing.”
“Agree to disagree,” he declares with extra elongation of each word. His hand goes to my thigh. “How’s your sister?”
“Not good today, but I think it’s because of all the sneaking out she’s been doing.” His hand on my thigh squeezes harder for a moment. That’s weird. Is it a reaction to what I’m saying or is it meant to be comforting?
“Sneaking out?”
I think she’s up to something, which worries me, but I also don’t want to start questioning her if she’s getting herself back into the world. She’s been so afraid of connecting with people for so long. Could this finally be it? Could she be healing? Or is she continuing the legacy I was hoping she’d leave behind? “Yeah, she’s a hermit… she’s terrified of people.”
“Why?” he asks gently, giving my thigh a different kind of squeeze this time.
“Not today, Nok. I don’t want to ruin the day.”
“But you’ll tell me?”
I think about it for a moment, considering it. It’d be nice to speak to somebody about it, but then it’d lead to questions I can’t answer. Questions that could put my sister in danger.
“If I tell you,” I say, looking at him. “At any point… do I have your word, on your life, that you won’t ask me any questions.”
He frowns, his eyes ahead as he navigates the car with ease. I love driving with him. I just love being near him. He’s an anchor to my calm. He helps keep me grounded.
“Because if I don’t have your word, I won’t give you even one.”
“No questions? Not one?”
“No. Not one.”
“That’s going to be a hard promise to keep.”
I nod with understanding. “Trust me, I know.”
The beach is fucking cold, the water colder. I don’t get to surf but Nokosi does take me on a bit of a hike which I enjoy. We come to the top of a cliff and stand looking over the harsh waves hitting the face of it. I love standing on the edges of cliffs. It gives me a certain rush because of how dangerous yet beautiful it is. It’s deceptive.
I suppose it’s the closest thing I can think of to compare myself to.
“I am this cliff edge,” I say to Nokosi who just raises a brow. “I’m beautiful…”
“You are.”
“I’m dangerous.”
“You’re that too.”
“I’m deceptive.”
He hesitates. “Not with me, I hope?”
I look at him in the eyes and then spread my arms as the wind whips through my hair and caresses my body. Closing my eyes, I let my foot hang over the edge out in front of me. It would be so easy to die here today, to hit the water and drown, or to hit the rocky decline and break my neck, or perhaps it’ll be slow, and I will beg for death… or for life.
“What are you doing?” Nokosi snaps, grabbing the back of my shirt and yanking me back.
“Tempting fate,” I reply when my butt hits the grass as he falls to his knees in a bid to protect my body from my twisted soul.
“Why?” He’s seriously mad, his eyes are aflame with the anger coursing through him. “Do you want to die? Are you suicidal?”
“Suicidal is a subjective word.”
“It’s about as fucking subjective as a potato!”
My lips twitch into a smile. “A potato?”
He tightens his ponytail. “Nobody can say a potato isn’t a potato.”
“This is true, but suicidal is more of a condition of the brain, like depression, a chemical imbalance, your body warring against you. I don’t have that. I’m not suicidal. I don’t want to die. I just know that I’m going to and I’m ready for it.”