“This trip we’re going on, its whole purpose is to show you that no matter what life throws our way, if you want to, you can overcome it. My broken heart is different to yours. She didn’t betray me, she just made a promise she never had the chance to keep.” His eyes open and I feel as though I could drown in the suffering he’s showing me. There’s something so raw and honest about what he’s showing me right now, and I have a feeling I’m never going to look at him in the same way again after we get back from wherever he is taking me.
25
The Ghosts of Our Past
Thallon
Aeron asked me to go easy on her, to just try and be nice for one day. Because if anyone could understand Luna fucking Carter, it would be me. Right now, I fucking hate him. I don’t want to humanize this girl, woman, I don’t know what to class her as.
The girl with the ice blue eyes, so wide and fucking innocent. I swear she puts it on, because no one can be that fucking meek in this world. Fuck me dead, if I didn’t know better, I’d swear Allie did this to torture me.
Give me the girl with the snow white hair, alabaster skin, and pale eyes to try and make me feel again. But it isn’t going to happen. She called me fake. Because of my easy smile and carefree attitude, she was right. I am fake, I can admit it. I mean, just looking at her right now makes me want to do something reckless. Her innocence infuriates me, repels me even. It’s the darkness inside her that calls to me. When she lost her mind and launched herself at Twenty. Fuck, I was like a moth to the flame.
I swear to God, Allie. It isn’t going to work.
“Sorry, who’s Allie?”
I turn my head slowly towards her. Well fuck! I was not supposed to say that out loud.
“Allie’s the reason I can relate to you,” I say in a clipped tone, because I’m not prepared for questions yet.
“We’ll be arriving shortly,” the driver says through the intercom, and I crack my knuckles as I brace myself.
“It’s been too fucking long since I came here, I don’t even know what I’m going to say.” I drag a hand over my face and I jump as a hand lands on my knee.
I stare at her, until she pulls her hands away.
“Sorry, I’m still new to o-offering c-c-comfort,” she stammers, and I roll my eyes. She was doing so well.
I can’t stop staring at her, even as her eyes drop to my neck, and I keep toying with the idea about whether or not I should just tell her that the reason why I’ve been torturing her is because of her God awful sister.
How she came to the Academy and hated the fact she was made Fifty. We didn’t have Zeroes then, and I can’t help but wonder if that ridiculous concept was brought in just for this Little Mouse. How she terrorized everyone just to try and improve her number, and became obsessed with Shane. I think she thought that he would be the best bet, what with being Arthur’s eldest. Clearly, she was wrong. She couldn’t see that beneath all the bullshit and the conditioning that Arthur had put Shane through, that he actually had some good buried way deep down. Roz saw it, and somehow, she managed to bring it out of him. She made him want to be a better person. Fuck, I can’t keep thinking about Poppy, I’ll end up breaking the promise I made to Aeron this morning.
“We’re here,” comes through the intercom as the car comes to a stop and I look out to see the beach that I swore I would ever come back to again.
“A beach?” She stares out of the window as her brow knits together, and I clench my teeth as I push open the door and get out. I don’t wait for her to join me as I stalk over to the bench that I bribed the officials to have installed here, and run my hand over the plaque that adorns it.
Allie Michaels.
1997-2018
Riding the waves in Heaven
Luna comes to stand beside me and I know the minute she reads the inscription because her hand flies to her mouth and a soft gasp leaves her mouth.
“Oh, Thallon. I’m so sorry.” Her eyes swim as she looks at me, and I fall to my knees as I turn to watch the waves hitting the water.
“She followed me out here when it came to my time to attend the Academy. Arthur wasn’t happy, but he couldn't exactly stop her. We’d been together since we were fourteen, she was my first for everything. Fearless and stubborn to a fault.” I fist the ground and my back tenses as her hand rests on it. “She wanted to go surfing. The waves were so fucking high, and I told her not to. That it was too dangerous and we should wait until it calmed down. But she was convinced that she knew best. She was the best surfer I knew, but I was right. She hit the wave and it crushed her. She was too far out and I couldn't reach her. By the time I managed to…” I couldn’t finish the story, but I know I don’t need to. The bench does it for me.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“There’s nothing to say.” I shrug her off as I climb back to my feet, and turn my back to her.
“Do you want to talk about her?” she asks softly, as she places her hand on me again.
“Stop fucking touching me,” I shout, as spittle flies from my mouth, before I grip her wrist in my hand.
“I’m sorry, I just… I’m sorry.” Her lip wobbles as she tries to step back, and I release her before dropping down onto the bench.
“Sometimes I have dreams about my mom, and I find myself wishing, hoping, that they’re memories. Just so I have something to cling onto. I tell myself that I don’t want to know her, that I’m better off not knowing anything, but it’s only because I have no other option.” She crouches in front of me, as she looks up and meets my eyes.
“Why don’t you just ask Arthur?” Why the fuck would I suggest something like that? What is wrong with me?
“Because I don’t have a death wish, despite what people may think,” she shoots out, before slapping her hand over her mouth.
I fight the urge to smile, because it doesn’t feel right to do that here. Even as the sun peeks out from behind the clouds and shines down right on the spot. Almost as if Allie is telling me to stop being such a pussy, and get over myself. Not that I believe in that bullshit, but I won’t lie and say it isn’t a nice thought. To think that she’s looking down on me, rolling her eyes, and cursing my name. Just like the good old days.
“I don’t think this really helps me to see that I can deal with Tom. This is so much worse, Thallon. Mine seems so insignificant and minuscule in comparison.” She tugs at her hair before she gets back up to her feet.
“Pain is pain, Luna, it doesn’t matter what caused it. Death, betrayal, fucking lies. I brought you here to show you that I have been to Hell and back and although, it still hurts and feels like I’m being pulled under, some days it’s easier. Some days, my smiles aren’t fake. There are times when I feel happy, that one day I could move on, maybe find someone new. And then I feel as though I’m betraying her memory for even feeling that way and I go right back to the start.” I laugh without humor and she gives me a sad smile.
“I don’t understand why you are telling me all of this.”
“Because Aeron helped me to get through it. He was there when I needed someone, besides he did me a favor once and said I owed him. I hate owing people. So, for today, you get a free pass. I’ll show you the guy that Roz gets to see, kind of. I’ll try and help you to see that Tom isn’t worth the tears and sometimes, our firsts just aren’t supposed to be our last.”