“It made me feel alive. Like when we jumped out of that plane. All the anger, frustration, and pain just washed out of me. It isn’t gone, but I don't feel as though it’s weighing me down anymore. What worries me, is that for a split second, I didn’t want to stop. I wanted to drive her face into the ground and I was so c-c-c…” A groan of frustration escapes me as I struggle to finish my train of thought. Why does this keep happening? When I’m doing so much better.
“You realise that no one is perfect, right? I mean, take Emmet and Aeron for example. One has so many fucking mommy and daddy issues that he acts as though he doesn’t have a heart, and the other gets high just to escape all the drama because he can’t handle shit. It’s human nature to disappoint people, but if your mom loves you, then it shouldn’t matter what excites you or helps you to feel in control. That’s my opinion at least.” He moves back into his seat and I flex my fingers once they're free of his grip.
“It’s not about being perfect, it’s about being a good, decent person. I don’t like that there’s a part of me that I have no control over. Because when I do lose control, I have to be pulled away before I can do any lasting damage. I’m scared of the darkness that lives in me, and constantly feeling as though I’m being judged.” I turn towards him but wince as the pain reminds me why that isn’t a good idea.
“You really loved that dickhead, didn’t ya? Why?”
“He was… exciting. He was also the only one who didn’t change on the flip of a coin. He was nice, by Academy standards. Sure he said things that hurt, but I think I could have forgiven him for almost anything. It’s stupid, and I don’t know why he had so much power over me, but even now…” My eyes swim as the tears trail down my cheeks, I can see him shaking his head out of the corner of my eye but he can keep his judgements to himself.
“Ahh, okay. Now I understand.” He claps his hands as he laughs coldly, and I tuck my chin against my chest. “He was your first. Which means he’s also the first guy you’ve ever truly loved. Girls always get hung up on their first, it doesn’t say anything about you as a person, just that you’re a typical girl in that sense. Believe me, first loves rarely last. It’s all a pipedream. People think they meet their soulmate in school, they fuck, and make all these plans and then nine times out of ten, it fizzles out. Sometimes it works, but, hon, you were never going to find your ‘soulmate’ here. Tom was never going to love you, and even if he did, it wouldn’t have worked in the real world. So, remember that if he does come crawling back to you.” He keeps chuckling under his breath and my hands clench. My knuckles sting from the split skin, but I welcome the pain. He doesn’t know jack shit.
Although… isn’t he just voicing what I already think myself?
“So, basically, you think I’m a naive little girl who just fell for the first guy who slept with me?” Screw the pain, I angle myself around and narrow my eyes at him and he smirks at me.
“Well, isn’t that what happened? I mean, how many guys do you ‘love’, little Luna?” He does air quotes when he says the word love, and I can feel my temper rising.
“Two, okay. I love two guys. Are you happy now?” I shout, and he grips the back of my neck and pulls me closer to him.
“I don’t think you even know what love is. Maybe you should figure that out. Also, just because you fuck someone, it doesn’t mean you have to fall in love. Those two aren’t exclusive. That’s why it’s called fucking and not making love.”
My chest is heaving as my heart thumps. My eyes are flickering left to right rapidly as he stares at me.
“I-I-I k-know the d-difference.” It comes out in a whisper, and his face stays blank and expressionless.
“Oh yeah, prove it.” His eyes are gleaming, and his lips twitch at the corners.
“How?” I don’t dare lick at my dry lips, in case he reads something into it. God forbid he starts to think I’m interested in him. I’d rather gouge my eyes out with a melon baller.
“I’m sure you’ll think of something. Run along, Little Mouse. I’m bored of you now.” He pushes me away as the car comes to a stop and I look up to see the Academy looming over us.
“Why did you have me pack a bag, if we were just coming back here anyway?”
“In case I didn’t want to. Now, fuck off.” He shoos me with his hand and I hobble out, smiling softly at Darius, as he offers me his arm to cling onto. He looks at me but I shake my head as he opens his mouth. I’m definitely in need of the extra support right about now, but I don’t want to answer any questions.
The next week passes in a blur of classes and having Thallon treat me like his personal maid. Although, he isn’t making me sit on the floor at his feet anymore, so I think I’ll count that as a win.
“Hey, Homegirl, the bruising seems to be going down.” D wraps her arm around my shoulders as she sits beside me.
“Stop worrying, I’m fine. Besides, it helped.” I untuck my hair from behind my ears as Tom walks past, his eyes falling on me.
“How are you doing now?” she asks, as she gives him the stink eye.
“Well, I don’t want to hide in my room anymore, but my appetite is still shot to poop. I know it’s stupid to feel this way over a guy, but he was my first for so many things. It hurts, D, and I have to keep stopping myself from going over to him. He became so important to me, even when things weren’t good, the love never faded.” The stabbing pain in my chest hasn’t faded, but I’m starting to get accustomed to it now.
“Oh boohoo, have you learnt yet? This place isn’t made for us, it’s for them.”
Our heads snap up as we look at a girl with light eyes and dark brown hair. She’s tall, at least six five, and a mole on the right side of her face above her lip.
“Do I know you?” I ask hesitantly, and she laughs, as her top lip curls up.
“Of course you don’t. You’re too wrapped up in your own mess to get to know the rest of us. I’m Eighteen, but the name is Nicole. Last names don’t mean shit, so I won’t bother adding that to this pointless introduction.” She scowls at us as she flicks her hair over her shoulder.
“What did I do to you?” I say, holding my hands out as D and I look at each other, before looking back at her.
“Maybe we should take this outside,” D suggests, as we get to our feet and the three of us head for the exit. We walk out of the mess hall and down the hall a few feet before she spins on her heels to look at us.
“You haven’t done anything, and yet, you’ve done everything. All this stupid shit you come out with about being in love with one of them, are you for fucking real? You need your fucking head examined.” She looks me up and down, and seems to find me lacking. “Don’t you girls get it yet? We are nothing to these guys, and we never will be. They don’t come here to find a wife. They’re here to get their rocks off and get all that kinky shit out of their systems before they’re forced into a life of mediocrity by their parents. We’re their playthings, slaves, fucking high classed hookers with a good education. So stop going on about love and pull your head out of your ass. If they really cared about you, then they wouldn’t treat you like the rest of us, no matter what anyone else thought.” Her voice waivers and D steps forward to clasp her shoulder.