He’s completely convinced of what he’s saying, I realise, with an odd mixture of emotions that ranges from outrage to amusement.
‘I hope you’re joking.’
‘Not at all. Do you want to see?’
Before I can answer, he whips off his sunglasses with a self-assured flourish. It’s of those moves that should make me die laughing, but instead I feel a strange fluttering sensation in the pit of my stomach.
I felt it when I was talking to him before, too, but then I just attributed it to anger. Now it’s back, and it’s making me nervous.
He has beautiful eyes, even though I would rather cut my tongue off than admit it.
‘Sara, won’t you introduce me to this handsome boy?’
My cousin Simona appears from nowhere and starts eyeing Teo like a lion looking at a juicy steak. Teo is no better, with his lazily suggestive smile.
‘Introduce yourself!’ I say with a wave of annoyance. I’m not playing cupid to these two.
Simona would definitely like to sample the delights Teo seems to be promising her, with a flutter of his eyelashes. Long lashes, perfectly framing liquid and penetrating sapphires. Not that I’m admiring them, for the record. It’s a purely objective observation.
‘Where did you leave your boyfriend, Simona?’ I ask with a pinch of treachery. Another one of the countless things I hate is good-looking people who think they can do as they like. As if being pretty is a justification in itself.
Simona turns bile green, but tries to maintain her composure, although I’m sure she’ll make me pay at the first opportunity.
‘Who?’ she asks with a tight smile, resting her hand lightly on the chair of my hated neighbour.
‘I’m sure I saw you here with Alfonso. You were together until yesterday, or have I got that wrong? Look, there he is. Hey, Alfonso! Over here!’
Alfonso, who is wandering around like a lost soul, lights up as soon as he sees us. He probably knows that it isn’t prudent to lose sight of his girlfriend.
‘Bitch!’ Simona hisses under her breath. I beam at her angelically, not at all upset. I am the family troublemaker, and I’m proud of it.
‘There you are! Where have you been hiding?’ Simona shows off her arts as a seductress, placing her hand on his chest. ‘I was looking for you.’
‘But of course!’ intervenes Teo. I think he has also understood the type well.
Alfonso takes in the scene, dubious. ‘I didn’t know you had a boyfriend, Sara.’
‘I’m not her boyfriend!’ exclaims Teo, jumping to his feet.
‘I don’t even know him!’ I confirm instantly.
‘Of course he’s not her boyfriend. I mean, obviously…’ Simona interjects, giving me a poisonous glance.
‘And why do you say that?’ I ask, vaguely menacing. I’m genuinely curious to see if she has the nerve to continue.
‘Well, I mean…’
‘Simona, Aunt Gelsomina is looking for you. You know if you don’t go over and say hello you’ll be in her bad books for months. Sara, we have to go,’ Alfonso intervenes, pulling her by the arm. He must have smelt the scent of war.
‘Off you go then. A girl must always follow the advice of her boyfriend,’ I say cheerily as she passes by.
‘At least I have one,’ she whispers in my ear.
Is it my turn to say ‘bitch’? Yes, I think it is.
‘Ah, the unbreakable bond that unites families! Your cousin is charming,’ says Teo with a hint of sarcasm, which makes him almost likeable. ‘She is right though, of course,’ he continues, ruining the effect immediately.
‘Would you care to explain?’
‘Well, she didn’t get chance to say, but she meant because of your appearance. And you have to admit she’d have had a point.’
I try to stop the smoke from coming out of my ears and maintain my composure. ‘Go on…’
‘You mustn’t be offended. You are objectively unattractive. And just as objectively you don’t look after your appearance. You’d be completely at odds with someone like me.’
I fold my arms over my chest and look at him with the one eye that is currently available. I have to get this straight.
‘Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems to me that you don’t consider this to be an insult. You realise, however, that as a statement it could sound very offensive?’
He dismisses my sentence with a wave of his hand. ‘It is not my intention to offend, merely to point out the obvious. And, unlike your cousin, I’m not insinuating anything. You’re not attractive and I don’t like you. It’s a fact. Some people are attractive, some people aren’t. Besides, getting to brag about your engagement is overrated. As far as I’m concerned, it’s a tragedy.’
‘Wow, what do you expect me to say to that? “Thanks for your honesty”?’
‘You should, yes. This is very difficult for me. I’m not really in the habit of spending time with women who I can’t… I don’t know if I can explain…’
I snort and shake my head. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. ‘I think you’ve explained yourself very well.’
‘Still, I guess it’s not much fun for you, with all these hot women…’ he gestures vaguely around the room.
‘Well, I had to come. The bride is my sister.’
‘So you really are related … Incredible, you’d never guess it to look at you,’ he shakes his head and gives me a compassionate look.
‘Oh, stop exaggerating,’ I snap at him, but there’s no real anger behind it.
After so many insults, you’d think I’d be ready to knock his teeth in by now, but it appears not. Maybe it’s because he genuinely doesn’t seem to think he’s being insulting. He’s just absolutely convinced of being right.
Now, I could launch into a tirade about the value of interiority with as opposed to exteriority, but frankly, I’m exhausted and to be honest, he doesn’t look like he cares much about interiority. He even seems proud of the fact.
‘Don’t try and dream up arguments to use on me, it’s making your forehead wrinkle. Try and focus on something that will smooth out your expression… ‘
‘Botox doesn’t interest me, thanks. You lose all the emotion from your face,’ I say, disgusted by the turn that the conversation is taking.
‘Emotions are overrated in this world,’ he opines.
‘That sounds like something you read on the internet.’
‘In think I might’ve read it on Facebook, actually’ he confesses, with such a candour that I laugh in spite of myself.
‘You’re a weird guy.’
‘Never said I wasn’t. I challenge anyone to be weirder than me. But isn’t there anything to eat here?’
He’s right, actually. We have been at the table for a while now, and there hasn’t been so much as a whiff of a canapé. My headache has worsened, and the monocle effect is only making it worse. I take off my glasses, which have now become a nuisance. Unfortunately my eyesight is extremely bad without them.
‘Hey, you should start using contact lenses,’ Teo says. Or at least I think it’s him, given that I can’t really focus, which is perhaps for the best. Those eyes are a distraction that I don’t need. All things considered, I decide to resign myself to being half blind for the evening.