‘Contact lenses annoy me.’
‘Well, like my grandmother used to say, “If you want to be beautiful…”
‘I never listened to grandma’s advice,’ I interrupt him.
‘Now that you mention it, neither did I. You do have beautiful eyes, though.’
I turn in my chair. ‘What? What? Is that a compliment?’
‘No, it’s just a statement. I still wouldn’t sleep with you if the future of the human race depended on it.’
‘Good. I was getting worried. I thought I was like Clark Kent, taking off my glasses and breaking hearts.’
‘You’re not Clark Kent.’
‘I hope not. Clark Kent with boobs!’ I say. And I blush. What’s got into me? Why am I talking about my boobs to a perfect stranger?
‘Is that right? I can’t tell under that dress.’
‘Have you stopped insulting me?’
‘I’m not insulting you, I’m just making…’
‘An objective observation, I know,’ I snap. I’ve had enough objective observations for one evening.
There’s a noise coming from the back of the room. What’s going on? I can’t see a thing.
‘What can you see?’ I ask my neighbour.
‘It seems that they are preparing themselves for the grotesque ritual of throwing the bouquet and garter. Isn’t that usually at the end?’
‘My cousins are hyenas. They’ve been doing high jump training for days. I bet they pestered my sister to bring it forward. I expect a bloodbath.’
‘Aren’t you going to venture into the fray?’
‘Me? Not a chance! I have zero interest in marriage. It’s all a waste of time as far as I’m concerned.’
Silence. Too much silence. What’s going on inside his head?
‘Well, I have to say I agree with you. So… what do you say to getting out of here before someone forces us to participate? You know how it is… they might make me take the garter,’ he says, grabbing my hand. His hand is warm and strong. I pull back a little, instinctively, but he doesn’t let go.
‘Don’t worry, your virtue is perfectly safe with me.’
I burst out laughing. ‘You think I’d let you try?’
‘Believe me, if I wanted to you wouldn’t be able to resist me,’ he says, dragging me with him.
I hate myself, but I’ve no option but to follow him. The throwing of the bouquet is just too much.
And so, while the others celebrate, I let a total stranger, who is a total arsehole into the bargain, drag me away among the hedges in the garden, all to escape a pointless ritual.
5
Teo
I don’t know what’s got into me. Maybe all that prosecco I had has finally got me drunk, or maybe Silvio put drugs in the canapés, I don’t know. I am not in the habit of sneaking off behind the bushes with ‘interesting’ women. Never. And yet, for some reason, I decided to drag Sara away with me, even though I have absolutely no intention of any funny business. I mean, obviously I don’t. She doesn’t even reach the minimum requirements that I consider fundamental in a woman. I suppose it did it out of pity.
Yes, that’s it. That explanation is rather comforting. I do have a heart after all, hidden away god knows where. Still, I should try to remember in future that cheap booze doesn’t do me any good.
‘Where are we going?’ Sara asks me, clinging to me tightly with her little hand. She is half-blind, of course, because she took off her glasses. I couldn’t have picked a more pitiful recipient for my charity! They’ll probably make me a saint after tonight.
‘We’re hiding from the partygoers. I thought that was what you wanted?’
‘Well yes, but we’ve been going for ages. I’ve never known a place with so many twist and turns!’
‘The whole point of a garden like this is so the guests have plenty of places to hide and get up to mischief.’
I get a slap on the forearm. ‘What would you know about it?’
‘Why do you think Silvio chose this villa? We were going to sneak off behind these trees with a couple of bridesmaids.’
‘Ha! I can believe it! I’ve never met such a pair of horny freaks.’
‘We’re just … in love with life, that’s all. In love with life and sex! Or rather, Silvio was in love with life and sex. Now he’s just going to let his tool rust.’
We stop. There is a little orange grove at the end of the garden garden that shields us nicely from the prying eyes of the guests. Of course, it’s always possible they might come looking for us, but judging by the sounds of laughter coming from inside the villa, it seems like they are all too busy enjoying themselves.
I sit down on a bench and Sara does the same, perching herself at the opposite end to put as much distance between us as possible. That’s fine by me. I can’t make myself pretend, and there’s nothing wrong with my eyesight, so it’s not like I’m actually enjoying being here with her.
Ok, maybe that’s not entirely true. I’m having fun because this Sara and I both hate weddings in the same way. But for me it’s not true enjoyment without the promise of something more at the end of it. Just an idle distraction. Relaxing, though.
‘Tell me something,’ she says, staring out into space. Needless to say, she probably can’t actually see anything beyond the end of her nose, but her lost gaze gives her an intellectual air. A slightly fussy intellectual, maybe.
‘Go on,’ I reply, relaxing on the bench.
‘If you hate relationships so much and you think Silvio is making a terrible mistake, why are you here?’
‘Why are you here?’
She turns and stares at me, serious and trying to focus. I look away. Those eyes, green and slightly elongated, they’re really not bad at all. Shame about everything else.
‘What a question! Because I love my sister and I will always stand by her, even when she decides to do something stupid.’
‘Well, there you go. It’s the same for me.’
‘So you are human after all!’
‘Of course I am, what did you think? In fact, I’m such a nice guy, someone should nominate me for the Nobel Peace Prize,’ I say, grinning.
‘Your jokes are terrible, did you know that?’
I laugh without embarrassment, and it’s liberating. I can’t remember the last time I just chatted to a girl without expecting something in exchange. I’m surprised to find that, after all, I quite like it.
‘No one has ever complained about my jokes before, believe me.’
‘If I understand the type of woman you’re into, I’m not surprised. All looks and no brains is what men like you go for.’
‘Hey, Silvio and I used to look for the same kind of woman, and he ended up with Sonia, so I’m not sure you want to carry on down that road. Unless we’re putting your sister in with the brainless bimbos,’ I point out to her. She doesn’t look around.
‘Look, just because I love my sister doesn’t means I don’t know her faults. But she is a trusting and open-hearted person and she’s genuinely in love. If Silvio makes one false move, I’ll make him wish he’d never been born. Consider that a promise.’