Harley
“Roger, just tell her.”
“I’m not trying to be difficult. Seriously, I think she should hear it from you. After all, Melissa, she was your friend.”
At that point, I was getting anxious and irritated. “Tell me what?!”
My mom gave one last you’ll-hear-about-this-later glare to my dad, then sighed, seeming to resign herself to some news that needed to be shared.
“Harley, sit down, honey. We need to share something.”
I hesitated but then abruptly sat down between them on their living room couch. Whatever it was they were going to say, wondering was worse.
“It’s okay, Mom. Don’t build up to it. Just say it. Then we can talk about whatever it is.”
With another deep sigh, she put one hand on my knee. “Honey, Mrs. Fleming passed away the night before last. I’m not sure if you knew, but she’s been in and out of the hospital, and her cancer treatments just didn’t seem to be working like the last time.”
My mouth hung open without any words to compel it into any other position. The idea of Janine being gone was so strange. I honestly had never imagined the possibility that she wouldn’t always be there. My mother kept talking, and my dad placed a comforting hand on my shoulder.
“Apparently, Rob and the boys were so exhausted when it happened that it’s taken them a bit longer than usual to let anyone know. Your dad just got off the phone with him, and as you can understand, they’re all very shaken.”
I turned slowly but didn’t meet my father’s eyes as he chimed in. “Yes, Rob’s obviously heartbroken, but he said that they had some warning and that everyone was able to say goodbye. She was in a lot of pain, and as much as he hated to let go, nobody could stand seeing her suffer like that.”
Tears brimmed in my eyes as I thought of Hollis and Andy having to say farewell to their mother, knowing she would forever be gone. In a single moment, I felt the breadth of all the years I had seen Janine and Rob together. Knowing my experience with their family only scratched the surface of their relationship, I couldn’t help but think of my parents. The thought of one of them in so much pain, wanting the hurt to end, but incapable of reconciling that with having to go on without them present was too much to bear.
I began to cry, able to control it initially, but soon I was sobbing as my mother gracefully held me in her arms. My dad came close, rubbing my back as I wept. My mom’s face mirrored my own, and, through my own tears, I could see that even my father’s eyes were watering.
Getting ready for the funeral three days later, I still hadn’t heard a definitive answer on whether Ryan would be there. I assumed he would. No, I knew he would be there. He adored his mother. But, all the same, my parents hadn’t heard whether he was home, and my pride prevented me from asking anyone.
Anyone except Eleanor, that is.
My phone vibrated atop my childhood dresser. I immediately abandoned my struggle against my dress and snatched it up.
“Elle?! What did he say?”
“Whoa, hello to you too, Harley. I haven’t talked to Andy since he told me about his mom. I told him I’m here if he needs me, but otherwise, I figured he could use some family space.”
I breathed angrily into the phone, feeling like someone from a circus audience being forced to walk the tightrope.
“Eleanooooor. What do I do? Why didn’t you ask him? I’m not trying to be selfish, but can you imagine how I’m feeling right now? I just need to know one way or the other, so I can be mentally prepared.”
“He’s going to be there.”
My heart seized and stalled.
“WHAT?! Are you sure? You know for sure that he came home?”
“No, I have no idea if he’s here or not. But you said that you needed to know, so I improvised.”
I fumed but actually saw her point. Regardless, accepting that I might see Ryan after all these years did nothing to calm my nerves. “Elle, just… Why didn’t you ask Andy? You knew I’d be like this, and I can’t help it!”
Her voice shifted at that point from monotone but supportive to impatient and borderline chastising. “Oh, I don’t know, Harley. Let’s play that out for a second: Oh, hey Andy, what’s crackin'? Uh, not much except, you know, my mom just died. Oh, I’m sorry, Andy. Really. I am. Oh, by the way, is your big brother going to be at the funeral? I’m only asking because Harley needs to decide which outfit to wear - respectful mourner or slutty schoolgirl.”
“That is NOT what I’m saying. I… That… Oh, forget it.”
Knowing she made her point, Eleanor apologized, but I knew she still stood by her point. She asked if I wanted her to pick me up from home, but I explained that I wasn’t there.
“No, I’m going to ride with my parents. They’ve been friends with Rob and Janine since you, me, and the brothers started hanging out in high school. I’m changing now in my old room, but I’ll see you there.”
“Okay, Harley. Message me when you and your parents get there. I don’t want to go in by myself. And, as far as Ryan is concerned, who knows - maybe the stress of being a billionaire playboy has magically made him less attractive than when he was sixteen and wearing his dad’s old tux to prom.”
“Goodbye, Eleanor.”
I ended the call without waiting for a response.
Still nervous but less flustered than before the talk, I finished fixing my dress and eyed my appearance in the vanity. I hated myself for it, but I did find myself imagining what Ryan would think if he was going to be there and saw me. I plumped my breasts, adjusting my neckline, but felt degraded and discarded. I reacted in kind, grabbing a thin but loose-fitting cardigan. I nodded to myself in approval and once again turned to my phone to check the time.
I could hear my dad stomping back and forth from their bedroom to the ironing board. I smirked dryly, knowing exactly what he was wearing without even seeing. I threaded in a pair of modest stud earrings and was about to turn toward the door when my bracelet on the dresser caught my eye. I had only taken it off to shower, but as with the cardigan, I somehow felt like I was lowering myself if I let that part of me be exposed.
I picked it up, mulling the decision over. My finger traced over the inscription as I considered. The words, like a haunting mantra, rolled through my mind and heart.
Until The Sun Burns Away.
I squeezed the silver band past my knuckles and over my wrist, determining that to fret over the dilemma was to prove Eleanor correct and, since I wore it every day, today should be no different. I rationalized that my little sweater would cover it and keep it from being seen.
“It’s just terrible. I can’t even imagine. But at least Rob and his boys can find some comfort in knowing she is no longer in pain.”
“I’m still having trouble believing it’s true. You are absolutely right, though. Only cruelty, selfishness, or a miracle would’ve kept her alive. The loss is truly tragic, but a kindness all the same.”
I kept my thoughts to myself as the circle of my parents’ friends maintained a steady stream of conversation. The large crowd of funeral attendees around us were likewise conversing quietly in their own mingling groups. We all participated in the awkward dance of personal mourning amid a public gathering in our own way, spread out across the church foyer, waiting for the sanctuary doors to open from within.