It really was beautiful, watching the shadows sweep deeper into the fields, swallowing the growing crops into the cool shade of night. It all looked the same, just like it was when Ryan and I used to sit there as teenagers watching the world slowly turn by.
I started thinking about Ryan and his mom, still feeling sad over what happened, sad about all of it, really.
A hand at my back pushed me forward in the swing. Not expecting it, I nearly lost my grip and tumbled off and into the dust. My head spun around, and I was even further disoriented to see Ryan.
“Wh…! Ryan! What… What’re you…?”
“Do you remember when you used to sit here, begging me to push you for hours and hours?”
“That was a long time ago, Ryan.”
“Yes, Harley, I know. But… still. How many weeks' worth of time do you think we spent under this tree talking and watching the world spin by?”
The closeness of his statement to my own thoughts cut beneath my skin, slicing into my heart, which manifested itself in a tone of annoyance in my voice.
“I don’t know, Ryan, how many?”
Whether or not my irritation was lost on him or not, Ryan didn’t seem to notice. As I swung back over the dirt patch and my momentum carried me again forward, he added another gentle shove and actually answered the question, meant to be rhetorical.
“It had to have been months, not weeks… maybe even a year. For a long time, we ended up here almost every day, watching the sun sink down. I remember I’d wake up on the weekends to the sound of the branch creaking. I’d look out my window and be amazed to see you swinging here, wondering more than once if you’d been sitting here since we’d parted for sleep the night before.”
I remained silent as the memories came flooding back. No matter how warm they seemed, they only brought me more anguish.
“Mom would shake me awake on Sundays and say, ‘Harley’s outside, that sweet girl. Get your sorry ass outta bed, Ryan, and get that girl inside. It looks like rain, and she’s not going to ruin that pretty dress on account of my boy.’ She always brought us up to her friends, bragging in some kind of weird way about how her son was the first computer geek in the whole world to find a way to get a beautiful girl like you to fawn over me. I always told her…”
I leaned forward, off of the swing, and dragged the soles of my feet in the dust until I slowed and stopped, cutting him off. I got up, straightening down my dress, and stood to face him. I wanted to be angry at him but couldn’t. I could see the pain on his face.
“Ryan… Are you okay?”
“Me? Yeah, of course. I’m… Yeah, I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”
I stared up at him, knowing he was full of shit. He knew that fact wasn’t lost on me, and, eventually, he opened up. “I… I knew Mom was sick. I knew, and yet I still didn’t make any kind of effort. I guess… I guess I just never really considered that she wouldn’t always be there. I mean, she’s been sick so many times. I suppose it just never occurred to me that she wouldn’t get better just like she always had.”
I listened, losing all of my defensive aggression. It hurt to see him in pain.
“I asked her to come to New York. The doctors there… they’re just better. There’s no other way to say it. I’d even got Dad on board with the idea, sent them plane tickets, and had everything planned out… but she wouldn’t do it. I don’t know… It probably wouldn’t have changed anything, but I could’ve done more.”
“I… I didn’t know that. You know, Ryan, I spent a lot of time with your mom over the years after you… left. She never had anything to say about you that wasn’t positive. As far as I could tell, she missed you, but it didn’t bother her that you’d gone. She phrased it a certain way one time… What did she say? … Oh, right. She said, ‘He’s doing exactly what he’s supposed to. My job as a mother was to give him wings… How could I be upset when he uses them to fly?’”
I was closing my eyes as I remembered her words. I opened them to find tears in Ryan’s eyes. It shook me, perhaps because I had selfishly convinced myself that he was incapable of such emotion in an effort to block my own pain.
I rubbed his arm as he looked away, trying to hide his reaction born of guilt and sorrow. At my touch, he flinched but didn’t move away. For some reason, the response clicked in my mind, and I recognized that the movement was a repulsion, not meant for me, but for the thought of someone stupid enough to be close to him.
“She loved you, Ryan. More than anything.” He sniffled, and, for a moment, I thought he might break down. Ignoring all my other impulses, I decided that he deserved consolation. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged myself against his chest, feeling his broad chest quiver, ever so slightly, as he draped his own arms around my shoulders and lowered his head next to mine.
For what seemed like an eternity, we held on to one another, allowing ourselves to be lost in an embrace more comfortable than either of us were in our own skin.
Eventually, it dawned on me that his chest was no longer shaking. I waited, thinking, but quickly realized that we had strayed beyond comforting and were just holding each other just like we always had.
Once again, I reacted defensively, pulling away in haste from the fear of instigating my own invitation for renewed rejection. I glanced at Ryan but strangely found him to have a similar expression of confusion. He quickly changed the subject, generically asking about the state of my life at present.
“Uh… So… What’s changed in the life of the great Harley Andrews after all these years?”
“Oh, uh… Well, first of all, I’m not really sure how much about it I’d call great… I manage the bank now. I’ve been working there since I graduated from college. I bought the Sheritans’ house after Mr. Sheritan died, and Mrs. Sheritan moved to Florida to live with her sister. Um… Other than that, Mom and Dad are good. They paid off the mortgage while I was at school… Dad still hunts and loves his scratch-offs. Not much else has changed. Everything pretty much stays the same around here.”
I rambled on as we fell into a comfortable back and forth. It wasn’t until night had fully fallen, and the first families could be heard leaving the house that I realized my mistake, having forgotten how easy it was to lose myself talking to him.
I caught myself and, again, felt the need to back away. Inwardly I berated myself for having the audacity to get comfortable with Ryan.
Abruptly, I announced that I was going back into the house. In the moonlight, I could see the sudden change caught him off-guard. I looked away to spare my psyche from further questioning myself and immediately set off through the grass.
For the second time in a single day, I was stopped in my tracks, caught by the wrist. I turned slowly, feeling my heart begin to pound beneath my breasts. In the darkness, I looked back to Ryan, feeling the warmth of his touch surge through my whole body.
Ryan
If I’m honest, I had no idea what I was doing. I was acting on instinct, and in the darkness of the yard, I couldn’t even tell what Harley was thinking. All I knew was that I couldn’t let her walk away.