Hastily putting the items down on a chair, I follow her. “Where are you going?”
“I have some work to do before dinner. I’ll be in my office upstairs.” Maris walks back toward me. As the sunroom is down a step, our faces are perfectly aligned. She leans forward and brushes a kiss across my cheek. “Please read what I gave you first. I can’t have you lose Jed the way I did.” Then she turns and walks away.
I follow her movement until she’s out of sight. Then I lift the box onto my lap. Opening the journal, I begin to read. And almost immediately the burn of tears hits the back of my eyes. And as I continue to read Jed’s love letter to Maris, they fall silently down my face.
Carefully, I lift the dusty box cover and find the intricately blown glass bowl that reminded Maris of me. Smoky gray, reflective mirror, and obsidian. It’s masculine and hard on the outside with a soft center. I have to slide it to the floor before my shaking hands drop the priceless treasure—priceless not because of who made it, but because of the love of a sibling who likely went well into hock to buy it for his beloved sister. “Jed, you’re fucking lucky you’re not here. I’d probably crush you half to death with the hug I want to give you, you bastard. We miss you so damn much.” My voice crumbles on the last few words.
I care nothing for the fact that Maris knows about my past or of diving into the secrets the Jacks may have kept from one another but entrusted to Jed. I have an overwhelming need to find the man who ran Maris off the road and to punch him until he’s a bloody mess missing a few critical body parts of his own. I want him to be weeping for something he always dreamed of having and will be permanently denied. I want him to suffer while others are smiling. I want him to feel an ounce of the pain Maris has held inside her all of this time. And then I want to do it again.
But as much as I want to do that, there’s something else I need to do more. I reach my hands behind my neck and unfasten the cross Jed left me. Because he did more than give me faith. He led me to something much more precious.
Maris.
And this belongs to her. Now, it’s time to give it to her.
I place the journal on the shelf with the rest. “I don’t need to read these. She can tell me what she wants me to know. And to be honest, if the guys want me to know their shit, they can let me in. That’s their right—and hers.” Then I leave the sunroom in search of the woman who has always held my heart even when I didn’t think it was worth anything.
Apparently she’s always thought differently.
My footfalls make creaks up the stairs. There’s clicking from the computer keyboard guiding me to her. My heart rate increases as I get closer. When I get closer, the clicking slows down, but not my heart. If anything, it speeds up more. I clench my fingers around the gold chain, careful not to squeeze the cross too tightly.
As I reach the doorway, Maris surges to her feet. “That was awfully quick.”
“I read what I needed to, Sunshine. And I came to a startling conclusion.”
Maris thrusts her hip out, and her hands go akimbo. “Oh? Really? I agonized over those journals for the better part of a year, hating myself for judging you, and after just a few minutes you’re done? So do share. Your conclusion is?” The bite in her voice, the scrappy fighter who’s struggled to her feet despite having fallen, makes what I’m about to do so right.
Maris needs to find the faith in herself so much more than I do.
I lift my hand and let the gold unfurl from my hands. Maris’s gasp is loud enough it might be heard in downtown Juneau. “Jed was right. I needed to have more faith in the people who loved me. Now it’s your turn to do the same.” I step forward and clasp the chain around her neck.
“No, Nick. He meant for you to have this,” she protests. Her hands start to move, but I trap them beneath mine.
“And I believe it belongs to a woman with more strength and courage in her heart than any fighter, than any person—including her brother. Including me in the darkest days when I wondered if my mother was coming back for me.”
“That’s not true.” Maris shakes her head adamantly.
“It takes a strong woman to have dreams. It takes a brave one to celebrate her dying ones with the people she loves,” I whisper.
Maris lets out a small wounded noise. Her head drops in defeat.
I slip my arms around her and pull her close. For a long time, we stand like that until an annoying beep-beep goes off in the room. “What the hell is that?” I demand.
Maris pulls out of my arms to reach for her cell phone. It feels so wrong to let her go but so right for the glint of gold to be at her throat. “Dinner’s ready. And you know the rules, Nick. Whoever cooks…” Her luminous face breaks into a wobbly smile.
“Doesn’t clean. I remember.” Looping an arm around her, I tug her forward for a smacking kiss. “Come on, Sunshine. Let’s go eat.”
“Okay.” But as I turn to make my way toward the door, she hasn’t moved. When I turn around, I find her fiddling with her grandfather’s cross. “Nick? Are you sure? Jed wanted you to have this.” Uncertainty clouds her magnificent eyes.
“I’m certain.” My voice is strong. There’s only one thing I’ve ever been more certain about and that’s how much I regret hurting her. But somehow I’ll make that up to her as well.
Carefully, Maris tucks it inside her shirt. She visibly shudders.
“What is it?” My voice is frantic.
“I’ve felt like I’ve been drifting since Jed died. For the first time, I feel like I have an anchor. At least for a little while.”
I go to open my mouth to assure her I’ll always be here for her, but Maris waves a hand. “It’s silly, I know. You’re going to be leaving soon. But thank you, Nick. I’m glad the acrimony is gone between us, if nothing else.” And like a wraith, she slides past me into the hall. Her feet make a light dance on the stairs as she makes her way into the kitchen.
And I stand in her office and think for long moments about leaving.
And suddenly dinner doesn’t sound so appealing.
Maris
“My father gave me my grandfather’s cross for graduation with the understanding I would leave it to Maris should something happen to me. ‘Your grandfather believed in two things, Jed. Family and faith,’ my father told me. Tonight, I did something. I broke my father’s trust because someone else needs those things more. I just hope he forgives me.” - From the journals of Jedidiah Smith.
“He gave you Jed’s cross?” Kara gasps.
I lift the chain out of my shirt and show it to her. It’s a few days after we had dinner at my house, and I haven’t heard a word from Nick, but I know he’s still in Juneau. He’s been training the fighter he came here to work with. I figure it’s only a matter of time until he comes by to tell me he’s heading back to Albuquerque, but I’m finally at peace with my relationship with him. No, that’s a lie, but what am I supposed to do? I’m finally starting to build a life here, and he’s made a successful one there. “There are things I need to share with you. I’m terrified of what you’re going to say.”