“I can get you anything you need, but first, I asked you to give the club a chance. Get to know them, you might like them if you let them in. You won’t need to stay locked up in this room.”
“You don’t trust your brothers,” I remind him.
Suddenly he wobbles, his need to sit again, makes my heart wrench. “Well, I do now. I was wrong, Cat, I admit that. I was wrong to shut them out.”
“Maybe you’re wrong about us.” I spit at him, “Maybe you always were.”
My words ring as I circle the argument back to where we’d started.
Finn moves his head side to side, and sighs. “Come with me, I’ll show you around. Introduce you, then maybe that will make up your mind.”
“Introduce me as what?” I blurt out. “The woman who was sold, used in every way a man can? They already know that.”
“Introduce you as a woman who’s fuckin’ strong. A woman who can hold up her head when nothing she did was wrong.” He pauses and settles an intense stare on me. “Yes, they know. Yes, they’d cut you slack if you wanted to bury yourself in here and hide. No, they won’t pretend nothing’s happened to you. But fuck, woman, I’m asking you to give them a chance. You can’t hide for the rest of your life.”
“Why not?” I scream at him. “When that’s exactly what I want to do?”
His eyes soften. “Because that’s not the Cat I know. My Cat has an inner strength, and soon that’s going to show.”
“I’m not yours.” And I’m not strong. Not at all. I have to disavow him of that deceit. “After I was punished the first time, I didn’t fight, Finn. I could have bitten off the cock that was shoved into my mouth. I didn’t. I could have tried to kick his balls, I didn’t.”
He gestures toward the stick leaning against the wall. Interpreting his request, I get it for him. He’s going to leave now he knows I just gave up. Finn would never give up, he’d have died fighting. I must disgust him.
When he pulls himself up and gets himself balanced, I step back, biting back tears, waiting for him to go. But when he takes a step, it brings him closer to me, not further away, not touching, but near enough so I feel the warmth emanating from him.
“Is that what’s worrying you?” His nearness is too much, my foot moves back. Undeterred, he continues, “You did what you had to do to survive. Cat, I don’t mind that you didn’t fight. I’m fuckin’ grateful. If you had, I seriously doubt you’d be here now. Your survival instinct kicked in, and it was right.”
“Someone like Swift would have fought.” I’m just me, and I don’t measure up.
“Yeah?” He regains the space he’d lost. “Swift would have analysed the odds. Sure, she’s got a better chance of fighting her way out than you had, but if she was outnumbered, she’d have played the same card. Survival,” he repeats the words, “that’s what’s important. And Cat, you’re hurting right now. You’re trying to make sense of what happened, it will take time, forever perhaps to fully come to terms with what went down. But you’re no helpless victim. You’re a fuckin’ survivor, and I fuckin’ admire you for that.”
I’m grateful when he moves back, but his face is still fixed on mine. “Speak to Swift. She was trapped, as helpless as yourself. I heard her story, Cat, but don’t take it from me, hear it from her. As for me? Gun taunted me with what he was doing to you, and I was unable to do fuck about it.”
“You got away.” My tone is almost accusing. “I needed help to escape.”
He barks a laugh. “Yeah, so did Swift as it happens. And you tell Swift you and she were at a disadvantage because you were women.” His head shakes as if he can imagine the reaction I’d get.
“I was raped,” I shout. “You’ve got a cock, that wouldn’t have happened to you.”
“You think?” His eyes have opened wide. “Babe, sometimes I forget how innocent you are. If that was what it would have taken to break me, Gun would have tried that. But I escaped, yes. And you know why?”
“Because you could,” I reply stubbornly.
“Because of you. I had to get out. I had to save you. Christ, Cat. If I hadn’t had that fuckin’ desire to stop you being harmed, I might have not had tried.”
Afterwards I’ll wonder whether our voices have become raised and our conversation had been overheard, but a knock on the door stops us going around in circles.
Finn awkwardly hops, balancing on his stick as he goes to open it and nods at the man standing there.
“Cowboy’s cooking again. Thought you might want to come down for dinner.”
I’m not hungry, I couldn’t eat a bite. But Finn answers for me anyway. “Yeah, we’ll be right down.”
“Oh, and Road got you these. Thought they might help.” Whoever the stranger is, passes over some crutches.
As Finn takes them, closes the door, and tries his new acquisitions out, I huff. “I’ll stay here.” I fold my arms over my chest to show that I’m serious, giving off the vibes of a confidence I don’t feel. I do notice he uses the crutches competently, as if he’s used them before. As well he might have done, he must be used to a life full of danger and injury. Unlike me, and when I was tested, I’d failed.
“There’s no need to be scared.” Finn shows I’ve not fooled him at all. But if you stay, I’ll stay here too. A prospect can bring us something up.”
He confuses me, overwhelms me. Maybe if I go with him, it will dilute his presence. Again, he shows how he can read me, as he examines my face, then, giving a sharp nod, he goes to the door, opens it, stepping back and waiting for me to precede him out.
I walk alongside him, seeing he’s adept at using the crutches. They give him more stability than the stick, allowing him to keep his cast off the ground, while staying upright.
I haven’t seen anything of the clubhouse outside his room before. Despite the nightmare of the past few weeks replaying on a loop in my head, I look around, the fact this is nothing like I expected catches my attention. I could be walking along a hotel corridor—it’s nothing like any MC clubhouse I’ve read about or seen on television. When we come to an elevator and step inside, I laugh shortly with shock. Now this type of music I’ve heard before, but more often in a shopping mall. And when the very feminine voice announces we’ve arrived on the first floor, I raise my eyebrows.
“Honor and Duty’s little joke,” Finn explains.
The doors open onto another hallway, this one looking like it could be found in a modern office block. I follow Finn as he clomps and swings his way down the corridor which leads into a cafeteria, again, something that seem incongruent against the backdrop of the members of the MC. It’s full, and I immediately halt.
“It’s alright,” Finn whispers into my ear. “Cowboy runs a tight ship. If the brothers aren’t here on time, they don’t get fed.”
I thought I had no appetite at all, but the aromas coming from the kitchen area make my mouth water. Bikers eat like this? It’s not what I expected for sure.
“Cat!” Swift spies me and stands, waving me over. “Come sit with us.” She’s pointing to a single empty chair, making me wonder whether Finn’s invited or not.