“Take me with you tomorrow,” I hear myself say, knowing how crazy that sounds.
“I can’t do that.” The reply leaves her lips more like a question than an answer, and I can tell by the puzzled look in her eyes that she’s completely baffled by what I’ve just proposed. It wouldn’t surprise me if she thinks I’m losing it because even I am starting to wonder about that. “I don’t want to get you in trouble and besides, why would you want that? You have everything you could wish for. A good job, a home, a decent life. You seem close to your colleague and I assume you have friends too…”
“I don’t care about my life,” I retort, raising my voice. “I might not know anything about you, but guess what? You don’t know anything about me either so don’t tell me I have everything I want.” It’s not a lie. Right now, all I want is her. I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow but I do know that I’ve been spending far too much time on the safe side of life. Working my ass off for someone else to cash in, watching movies in bed by myself until I fall asleep and spending way too much time in my car. Suddenly it all seems like a waste of time compared to how alive she makes me feel. Still, the little sense I have left is telling me to stop making a fool of myself, so I shake my head and look into her piercing blue eyes, trying my hardest to keep calm.
“You’re right. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Please forget I ever said that.”
She nods, then stands up, grabs her leather duffel bag and turns to me before opening the door. “I’m sorry, I can’t.”
12
“I can’t do the presentation. I’m really not feeling well.” Jeff sits across the table from me in the breakfast room and almost chokes on his scrambled eggs as I say it, after joining him forty minutes late.
“You can’t be serious. Is it that bad? You’ve never bailed on anything in the ten years that I’ve worked with you, not even when you broke your right arm.” He frowns. “I was impressed by how fast you learned to type with your left hand by the way.”
Jeff knows me well. I’ve always been a loyal employee, and under any other circumstance I would have given the talk regardless of a dysfunctional arm or a heavy dose of the flu. But misery is a different thing entirely and I don’t deal with it well.
“Yeah, it’s bad. And for your information, I didn’t call in sick once in the five years before you joined either so I think I deserve an out.” I shrug, sit back and push my plate to the side as I try to come up with an excuse. “I think it might have been those bar snacks.”
Jeff looks at me with suspicion. “I don’t recall you eating anything at all. Did you even have dinner? Wait…” He pauses. “You’re not pregnant, are you?”
Despite my gloomy mood, that borders on desperation, I almost laugh at that. Me being pregnant right now is about as likely as Jeff being pregnant, but he doesn’t know I’m gay, and so I simply shake my head. Why I haven’t told him at some point in the years we’ve worked together is beyond me. When I first started out, I guess I felt like it was too personal to share my private life with colleagues. Growing up in a small, conservative town just outside Phoenix, where my parents still live, I was so used to keeping quiet about my sexuality that when I started my job and moved to the city I simply carried on doing so.
It took my parents a long time to get over the shock when I told them I was into women at the age of seventeen. Besides the fact that it clashed with everything they believed in, their dream of me getting married to a reliable, family man and having children one day, crumbled too. I was surprised when they finally came around and were able to look me in the eyes again, but being an only child, I suppose they didn’t have much choice. They asked me to respectfully keep it quiet so the good people in our parish wouldn’t find out and being the obedient daughter that I am, I did.
Until this day, they haven’t stopped trying to set me up with men, occasionally even taking me by surprise during Sunday dinner after church. Sometimes I show up to find my parents’ friends with their single son at the table, always seated next to me. It’s embarrassing how little I’ve stood up for myself, and how closeted I’ve always been, despite my parents and a handful of people knowing.
The company I work for is sizeable, and our textiles might be exciting to some, but the location of our factory out in rural Arizona means that the board of directors and management are not always the most open-minded either. It seemed convenient after my graduation to take the intern job I was offered through a friend of my father, who was the sales manager there at the time. The short commute and the chance to work my way up excited me, but now I wish I’d been braver and moved away farther instead of having my parents plan out my future for me. With all the best intentions, they even paid the down-payment on my apartment for me back then. It meant that I could afford to live on my own and be independent, but I’m pretty sure the fact that the apartment was located so close to their house had something to do with it too. Looking back, I was never really independent, and I was never really free.
“Are you sure?” Jeff pulls me out of my thoughts, clearly feeling the need to double-check. “Because if you are pregnant, you know you can tell me, right?”
“Definitely not pregnant, Jeff. Just food poisoning or something. I feel feverish, nauseous.”
“Okay, fine. I’ll take care of it, then.” Jeff doesn’t seem too sure of himself as he says it. He’s never been comfortable with public speaking and always leaves it to me because I don’t have a problem with it. Until today. I almost choke up when he makes the offer because I know it will make him anxious. “I’ll let Randy know.”
“Fuck… Randy.” I roll my eyes, remembering our boss will be here today. He’s not going to like me cancelling but I really need a break. The knowledge that I won’t have to stand before a crowd in the state I’m in fills me with relief and I don’t know whether I’m going to break out into hysterical laughter or cry. Either way, it will happen any moment if I don’t escape to my room soon. “Thank you,” I say sincerely.
“I’ll manage.” Jeff gives me a wink. “Whatever it is, you know you can talk to me, right? You were acting weird last night, at the bar.” It’s clear that he doesn’t buy my story that I’m sick and it makes perfect sense he thinks I was acting weird, considering I was trying to hide my orgasm right in front of him.
“I know,” I say and give him a grateful smile as I get up from the table. “Thank you, again. I really appreciate it.”
Retreating to my room, I take a couple of long, deep breaths as I get on the bed and bury myself under the covers. It still smells of her and that brings tears to my eyes. I scold myself for getting emotional over this illicit liaison. In theory, it’s ridiculous that I’m experiencing a sense of loss over her, but I know that what I’m feeling is real. She makes me experience emotions like no one’s ever made me feel before. Not even close.
I wonder what she’s doing right now. Is she killing someone? Shamefully, I admit I might be able to forgive her for that as long as the victim is a really, really bad person, and I sigh at my own immoral thoughts. What’s happened to me? I know right from wrong, I don’t obsess over people, I don’t fall madly in love, I don’t get hurt, I don’t surrender, and I certainly don’t sit around waiting for someone to come back to me. I’m in control, always. As my thoughts come and go, I realize that none of those things apply to me anymore. The sheets are infused with the scent of sex and that saddens me even more. Staying here might not be the best idea after all, so I get up and grab my purse, then call a taxi to take me to Manhattan.