“It’s fine, I wasn’t sleeping.” I tie my robe tighter and open the door further, inviting him in. Distraction might be for the best right now. “How did the presentation go?”
“It was fine,” Jeff says, walking into my room and scanning my bed as if he’s expecting to see someone in there. Of course, there is no one here, and the bathroom door is wide open, showing the only other empty space in my room. When it’s clear that I have nothing to hide, he continues: “I’m not going to lie, Randy wasn’t happy to hear you weren’t doing it, but I managed.” A small smile plays around his lips and I can tell that he’s proud of himself. “I think I did pretty well.”
“Awesome.” I open the minibar and scan the miniature bottles of wine and liquor. So far, I’ve managed not to drink, but I think this may be my breaking point. “I’m forever grateful. Do you want something to drink? To celebrate your first presentation?”
“Sure. I’ll have a glass of wine if you don’t mind.” He sits down in the same chair May sat on this morning and crosses his legs in a similar manner. Everything reminds me of her, even Jeff, apparently.
I pour the wine and hand it to him. Although I was close, drinking alone is something I rarely do, and grateful for the excuse, I pour one for myself too. It’s not like he believed my story anyway.
“Feeling better?” he enquires before he holds his glass up in a toast and takes a sip.
“Not really,” I admit, sitting down in the other chair next to him. Having her walk in any minute is a risk with Jeff being here, but I have little hope she will.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Jeff shifts in his chair, perhaps uncomfortable being in my hotel room while I’m only wearing a robe. Not because he has alternative motives, but because we rarely socialize in private settings, and it doesn’t get more private than this. “We’ve worked together for ten years,” he says. “I consider you a friend, and if there’s anything I can help you with, you need to tell me. Are you in some kind of trouble?”
“No, I’m not in trouble, but thank you for looking out for me. I consider you a friend too.” I take a long drink of my wine, working up the courage to actually have a meaningful conversation with him, because he’s right. After ten years, we really have become friends, and he deserves me opening up to him for once. ‘It’s time’, I tell myself. ‘No more hiding.’ “There’s something I need you to know about me, Jeff. I’m gay.” There. I said it.
I watch Jeff as his mouth gapes in a funny way. Just for a moment, it’s taking my mind off of her, and I’m glad that he’s here. I’m not per se nervous about coming out to him, but I can tell that he’s surprised by what I’ve just said. Truth be told, I don’t look gay in any way, if that’s a thing at all. I look like your average girl next door, although today, with my hair blown out to perfection, my nails painted in a soft pink, and with my new ensemble on show, I probably look even straighter, and I can tell Jeff is confused.
“You?” he asks, as he leans forward and narrows his eyes.
“Yeah.” I pause. “And I met someone here. A woman. The whole thing has messed me up pretty badly and that’s why I couldn’t do the presentation today. I’m very sorry for putting you in a difficult position, I know it was very unprofessional of me.”
Jeff sits back, taking in what I’ve just said. “A woman, huh?” He looks like he has trouble believing it.
“Yes. But it doesn’t matter. It’s not going to work out.” I let out a deep sigh. “The whole thing was silly and meaningless, but I got carried away and I shouldn’t have made it your problem. I’m sorry.” I know that’s a lie but the truth will never leave my lips so I might as well shrug it off as a mistake.
“It’s okay, you don’t need to apologize.” He pauses. “I’m so sorry to hear that. If she has such an effect on you, she must be pretty special.”
“She is.” I take another sip of my wine, thinking I should have had a glass earlier as its effect is already helping me relax. “But as I said, it’s not going to work out, so I’ll make sure I pull myself together. I’ll apologize to Randy in the morning on our way to the airport.” I’m actually surprised at how chilled Jeff is about my confession. He’s surprised, sure. But other than that, he seems to be over it in a heartbeat.
He shoots me a sad look and shakes his head. “Fuck Randy. Some things are worth fighting for. Can’t you take some vacation days? Stay here for a while longer? I’ve never seen you like this before, Em.” He chuckles, pointing to my robe and my hair. “And I’m not just talking about your change of style, it’s your whole demeanor, like your energy has shifted. I’ll admit I was uncomfortable with it yesterday, because I’ve known you for so long and it was very out of character for you, but it all makes sense now. Don’t you at least have her number?”
“No, I don’t,” I say. “And she doesn’t want to be found. She captured me, heated the blood in my veins, then vanished. I’m still boiling and I don’t even know her name.”
Jeff’s expression softens. “That sucks.” He looks uncomfortable, and I check my robe in case it’s fallen open again. It hasn’t, and when I meet his eyes, I can see that he’s truly agitated. “You know, we’re the same, you and me. I should have known.” Jeff’s words are barely a whisper and I don’t understand what he’s trying to tell me until he spells it out. “I’m gay too.” He avoids my gaze and focusses on his glass instead, which is almost empty now.
“You?” Our exchange is nothing short of extraordinary, and I think I need a moment to process his unexpected revelation. Jeff and I work closely, we’ve travelled extensively together, we’ve had after work drinks on many occasions, and never once did it occur to me that the wonderful man I’ve spent seventy percent of my time with, is gay. “How did I not know this?” I know it’s a lame reply, but right now, I really can’t think of anything else.
“I could say the same for you.” Jeff downs the rest of his wine and stares at the door. I have a feeling he’s not told many people in his life. Gauging from his reaction, I might even be the first so perhaps we’re even more alike than he thinks. Suddenly he goes into flight-mode, stands up and says: “I should go.”
“Wait.” I take his hand as he’s about to leave. “Thank you for trusting me and telling me.”
“No. Thank you.” He shoots me a tense smile before he squeezes my hand and walks out of the door. Once again, I’m on my own.
15
I hear the door open and within seconds, I’m out of bed. I must have fallen asleep because the alarm clock shows that it’s one am. It’s dark in the room but the shadow before me is unmistakably hers, and I let out a sigh of relief before I fall into her arms. After having given up all hope of ever seeing her again, holding her feels like coming home. She smells like she’s just had a shower and her gray hoody is either freshly washed or brand-new. I don’t know what state I expected her to come back in, if ever, but it certainly wasn’t this.