Did Mum and Dad know that he smoked weed? Is that why Dad was always so angry with him?
Josh fiddles with the string bracelets round his wrist. ‘You want to … you know … talk?’
I shake my head. Once upon a time, I would’ve talked to Josh. But what I want right now is to kiss him and forget about everything else.
I slip off my shoes and lie down on the bed. Josh kicks off his shoes too. Lies next to me. His fingers comb through my hair and massage my scalp. My whole body relaxes. His lips touch mine. Lightly. Dry bits of skin brushing mine. My face tingles. Then he kisses me harder, and I kiss him back.
And then we’re kissing like there’s no tomorrow. Our hands all over each other. And this is what I want, this feeling of being alive. If this is what I’m going to be doing instead of serving coffees, then I think I know which the winner is! Rosie can go to hell.
Mum and Dad’s faces drift into my head, but I push them out. I’m not going to let guilt ruin this; it feels too good.
I’m shocked to find myself climbing on top of Josh. His hands slide just under my T-shirt and lift it off. It’s all happening really fast, but I feel better without my T-shirt and all its stains. Lighter. Sexier. I’m wearing a pretty purple bra that makes my boobs look bigger than they are. I feel a bit pleased with myself.
Josh pulls his T-shirt off too, and I admire the muscles in his neck as his hands trace along my hipbone and then up, up, until suddenly they’re cupping my breasts. Then they move round to my back and I realize he’s trying to take my bra off. It shouldn’t really come as such a shock: what did I think was going to happen after he took off my top? But my chest tightens. My body freezes up.
Josh freezes too. I search for words, try to express what I’m feeling. I want this. Don’t I?
‘I’m sorry,’ I mumble. ‘I …’
Josh looks unbearably hurt, but worried too. ‘What’s wrong? Was I … too rough?’
‘No, no! Not that!’
‘Don’t you want to?’
‘I do. I think! I don’t know …’
My heart’s racing. I want him to like me. Want me. And I like him. Want him too. I thought I might be ready, but maybe I’m not. You can’t just go from nought to sixty when it comes to boys, it seems.
I lie down next to Josh. ‘I’m sorry,’ I say again.
‘Shhh.’ Josh kisses my forehead. He’s breathing fast. ‘It’s my fault. I just … you know, like you so much – I got carried away.’ He grins at me sheepishly, this crooked smile that somehow makes everything better by cutting through the tension.
We lie there for a while, catching our breaths. The silence is soothing. Then Josh props himself up on his elbow and looks at me seriously.
‘I’ve never really spoken to anyone about my dad,’ he says. ‘But it helped, taking you to the graveyard.’ He takes my hand and intertwines his fingers with mine. ‘You can talk to me, Neens. I shared my … my pain – you can share yours too.’
A lump swells in my throat. I swallow it down. ‘What is this, Pain Club?’ I say, trying to sound jokey. But it comes out with an edge. I laugh to cover it up. But Josh doesn’t laugh.
‘It can be whatever we want,’ he says seriously.
The memories of the weeks after Akash disappeared come rising up inside me. I want to tell Josh all about it, every single detail, but I’m scared too, worried that if I start talking I won’t ever stop feeling all this pain. I tug my hand away from his. Feel a surge of anger towards him. For asking. For caring.
‘There were weeks when I couldn’t get out of bed,’ I snap at him. ‘Is that what you want to know?’
He looks hurt but I can’t stop.
‘I didn’t want to continue living. My body didn’t know how. I couldn’t move. Could barely breathe. Is that what you want to hear?’
Josh touches my arm. ‘No, no. I just meant if you … you know, wanted. I thought it would help …’ And then he touches my face, and it’s so tender that all my anger towards him fades. It’s not him I’m angry with. Of course I know that. I close my eyes.
‘It’s all a blur …’ I try to explain.
‘It’s OK, Neens. You don’t have to –’
I open my eyes. ‘No, I do want to.’ The smell of those days comes back to me. The sharp stink of my unwashed bedsheets. But I don’t tell him all that. ‘I felt numb for ages. Blocked off from the rest of the world. And then one day I couldn’t do it any more. I knew it wasn’t what he’d want, you know? He wanted me to be happy. So I got up, got dressed and went to school. Promised myself I would live my life.’
There’s so much kindness in Josh’s face that I know he understands.
I smile. ‘So the let’s-talk-about-our-pain-and-then-forget-it club?’ I say.
‘Yeah. Only it’s not so easy … Forgetting … Is it?’
‘No.’ Now that I’m talking, I don’t want to stop. ‘And, if I’m honest, I still don’t believe my brother’s actually gone.’ It suddenly feels so easy to talk about all this. Or at least talk to Josh anyway. ‘I keep waiting for him to come back. I even think I’ve seen him a few times.’
Josh nods enthusiastically. ‘I know what you mean. For ages, I’d think I’d seen Dad crossing the road. Or I’d walk into the dining room, expecting him to be sitting at the table with a coffee in one hand and a newspaper in the other … It always felt so real. Like they could come back any minute.’
‘Yes! Exactly!’ I feel a huge surge of love towards Josh. He gets it. He’s the only one who understands.
My stomach bubbles with the excitement of it all. Because Akash was in my room, wasn’t he? He drank whisky. Hid the bottle under my bed. Finished my paintings. I smelled him at the Ridgeway. And I’m not the only one who believes he’s coming back!
Josh puts his arm round me and pulls me close. ‘Oh, Neens,’ he says.
We sit in silence for a few minutes and I allow myself to think about Jay. He knows something and Fi promised me she’s going to find out what it is. I’m feeling more optimistic than ever now. If anyone can do it, it’s Fi.
Then Josh seems suddenly excited. ‘We should do something nice,’ he says, kissing my forehead. ‘I’ll take you out. Cinema and dinner. Cheer you up.’
I look at him and shake my head. I’m the worst girlfriend in the world again. ‘I can’t,’ I say. ‘You know I can’t …’
He shakes his head too. ‘Of course. No. But not even if we’re really careful?’
‘I’m sorry, Josh.’
‘No, don’t be sorry. I just want you to be happy.’
I smile at him. ‘I am happy,’ I say. ‘I’m happy when I’m with you.’
He pulls me close again. Our skin sticks together from heat and sweat, but he doesn’t let go. I look up at him, wanting to kiss him again. And he presses his lips against mine.
I’m running. I feel like I’m flying. I’m late. The heat is stifling and the worry is taking over: I’ve got ten minutes to get home from the end of ‘work’. I’m kicking myself: how could I lose track of the time like that? But I need to calm down. Keep focused. There’s a heatwave, that’s why I’m sweating so much, I tell myself. Not because I’m late. Not because I got sacked. Not because I went to Josh’s house. No, nothing to do with any of that.