‘You gonna drink that?’ he asks, nodding at my glass.
Realizing how thirsty I am, I down half the blackcurrant juice. It’s different but nice. Sort of fizzy, refreshing. I burp suddenly, a long, fat belch, which is totally devastating, but Jay finds it the funniest thing in the world. He pats my back while chuckling, like we’re old friends.
‘So,’ he says, when he finally stops laughing. He rubs his hands together. ‘Fi said you wanted to meet me?’
I look at him. Why does he have to be so damn cute? It’s not exactly helping me concentrate. My mouth is dry again so I drink some more of the blackcurrant juice. But not too much this time because I don’t want to burp again.
‘You … you knew my brother,’ I say, taking in this information myself properly for the first time.
I try to think now. Did he ever mention Jay? I can’t remember. I don’t think so. He had this whole life I didn’t know about. Parties and friends I’d never met. Did he hang out here often? Did he maybe even kick off his shoes and sit on this mattress next to Jay?
My stomach is burning now.
I need to know everything.
‘Yeah, man,’ Jay says, nodding. ‘Knew him for years. Good guy, he was. One of my best mates.’
‘Years? Best mates?’ I stare at Jay. Had Akash mentioned him? I try harder to remember. Maybe he did and I’ve forgotten, but how could I forget something like that?
And what if I forget more things? What if I forget him?
‘Yeah, yeah.’ Jay says. ‘We were like that.’ He crosses his fingers.
I stare at Jay’s perfect face. I try to focus on what I need to ask him. ‘So you … saw him that day? The day he disappeared?’
I hold my breath. My mind’s racing ahead. Did Akash sit downstairs with Jay that evening? Did he smoke whatever was on that table before he went to a party at Fi’s? Maybe swallow some of those pills? Could that explain his disappearance? Was it more than just drinking he was into? I can’t imagine him getting together with Jay and painting.
Maybe all that would explain things.
If only I’d been there with him. If only I’d agreed to go to Fi’s party …
Jay reaches for a lighter from his bedside table. I think he’s going to light a cigarette, but then I see that it’s actually a spliff, the smoke strong and sweet. Shit. My uniform is going to stink. I try not to breathe in. You can get stoned from breathing in secondary smoke. I know that from Fi. I finish the rest of my drink and put the glass down on the carpet next to me. I try to ignore absolutely everything, and just focus on this: he might know something about Akash and this is my chance to find out.
Jay’s eyes are focused on the blank wall in front of him. After smoking some of his spliff, he finally looks at me.
‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘Yeah, he was here.’
My chest tightens. I wait for him to tell me more. I smile at him, trying to encourage him to give me the details.
But Jay must misread my smile: he puts the spliff down in the ashtray on the bedside table and leans towards me. His lips press against mine.
I should pull away. Josh. I’m with Josh. But it actually feels nice, like he really knows what he’s doing, and he smells of expensive aftershave, and he’s Akash’s friend, and older, and he seems to really like me, and –
No! I pull away. What am I doing? I’m with Josh.
Jay’s face changes. He scowls. I think that this is it – he’s going to chuck me out. He’s not going to tell me anything at all. But instead he kisses me again.
This time, I stay perfectly still.
I’m sorry, Josh.
After months and months of nothing, finally I have a chance of getting some information about what happened that night. I can’t mess it up. A part of me wants to run out of this room and go to Josh right now. But a part of me is flattered. Jay must think I’m attractive. And he’s seriously gorgeous!
Most importantly, I’m the only one who can do this. I’m the only one who can find out what happened to my brother.
When Jay stops kissing me, I take a deep breath. Guilt swirls in my stomach. Jay, on the other hand, looks really pleased with himself. He does this weird nod, bouncing his chin from side to side, as if he’s moving his head to the beat of music.
I try to focus. ‘So, my brother … he was here …’ I cough to clear my throat. Get rid of the lump that’s growing and growing. I just cheated on Josh. Did I? ‘Can you … can you remember the details of that night?’
Jay stretches. The muscles in his arms flex. ‘I don’t know. We’d had a lot to drink … Just a normal night, that’s all.’
I glance at Jay’s spliff. ‘Did you … Did he take drugs too?’
Jay shrugs. ‘Sure. We often smoked together. But not that night. He was trying to be good.’
My chest tightens. Akash smoked spliffs. I didn’t know that. But it doesn’t surprise me too much. What else though? What time did he come and go? What exactly did he drink? What did he talk to Jay about? Did he maybe talk about me?
‘So he had drunk a lot? More than usual, would you say?’ This is important. If he was really wasted, he might have made some bad decisions that night. It doesn’t mean … It doesn’t mean he planned any of it.
Jay holds his hands up in the air. ‘Nothing to do with me if he did.’ His face is suddenly closed, lips tight.
Shit. This is no good. I need him to tell me everything. He reaches for his spliff again, but I grab his hand to stop him. He turns to look at me, surprised, his brown eyes wide and questioning. I’m shocked at myself. But I’m desperate. I realize I’d do anything to find out what happened to Akash.
‘I … I just miss him,’ I tell Jay honestly. ‘And I keep thinking that if I can just retrace his steps … back to when he was last seen … If I can just figure out what was on his mind that night …’ The desperation is taking over now – it’s all I’m feeling. ‘He was here one minute, gone the next, and it’s all so goddamn unfair and it sucks, everything sucks.’
Jay’s face softens a bit. But not enough. He licks his lips. My body tenses, looking at those lips. They’re not going to tell me anything.
‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘I get that. But I don’t have anything else to tell you.’ He nods at my empty glass. ‘You want another drink?’
‘No. No, I’m fine. Thanks though.’ My head is spinning. I need to get my thoughts straight before I have to go.
Our eyes lock, and he flinches. He knows something. I can tell. Suddenly I’m not feeling nervous at all. Desperation is making my whole body burn.
My hand is still on his. I squeeze it tight. ‘You were good friends,’ I say, changing the tone, really willing to try anything now. ‘I know it must be hard for you to talk about …’
I lean towards him. It’s not ideal, but it’s better than him closing off. I kiss him. This, I realize, is the only way I’ll get him to tell me what I need to know.
‘Do you remember what time he left here?’ I ask when we stop kissing. ‘It would really help me to know.’
Jay is still staring at my lips. ‘It was around two in the morning,’ he says.