‘I won’t be long,’ she says, glancing around the crowded cafe. ‘Is there somewhere I can speak to you … in private?’
I cross my arms. ‘Not really.’ Which isn’t a lie: I’m on my own while Dominic takes his break so I can’t exactly leave.
‘Fine,’ she says. ‘We’ll talk here. You’re the one who keeps messaging me at weird times, Neena! So don’t you think we should … you know, actually talk about it?’
I cross my arms, a bit embarrassed. ‘Fine,’ I say. And I stand there. Waiting. Aware of all the tables that need cleaning. Spit it out then, I think. And then she does.
‘I know I haven’t been replying to you properly – I’ve felt so hurt. But I just wanted to say that … I’m sorry … about everything that’s happened between us.’ She dips her chin, suddenly looking very upset. ‘I came over to see you every single day after Akash … Every day!’ Her voice is shaky and I feel like she wants to shout at me. I sort of want her to lose it too. She’s always so contained; it’s annoying. ‘I made notes for you in every lesson. Called you every evening after I left yours, to make sure you were OK –’
‘I didn’t ask you to,’ I interrupt.
‘I know that,’ she says. ‘But that’s my point – I wanted to … But I also wanted you to … to talk to me. To trust me.’
‘Should’ve thought about that before you cut me off,’ I say. I turn to walk away, but she grabs my arm.
‘You’re the one who shut me out!’ she says. ‘You cut me off! Don’t you get it? We used to talk about everything. And instead you went and talked to … to … Fiona.’
I cross my arms. So she’s jealous. That’s what this is all about. ‘Yeah, and?’ I say, quite enjoying this now. But I don’t add that Fi gets me. That she knew Akash like I did. Or that she doesn’t mind if I get wasted or if I don’t talk about stuff. She doesn’t judge me.
Raheela frowns. ‘I just want to know – did I … did I do something wrong? You can talk to me about stuff, you know.’
I keep my mouth shut. Look down at my feet. It’s me, not you, I could say. I’ve changed. And we could maybe even laugh at that, reel off a whole list of relationship clichés and take the piss out of them. But I just shrug instead.
‘I don’t know,’ I mumble. ‘Everything’s just weird. Not how it used to be …’ I want to tell her about what happened with Jay. I want to explain that I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did, and I feel awful about it.
She nods. ‘Yeah. I know. I do still care though. You know that, right?’
I look back up at her. Her eyes are soft and kind. I wonder if I can tell her about Josh. I have known her forever, so I know I can trust her. And maybe she’ll help me out, cover for me so that I can see him more often, make up for everything with Jay.
‘I’ve got a boyfriend,’ I tell her, before I lose my nerve. And then quickly, before she can react, ‘I’m finding it hard to keep it a secret and see him. It makes me anxious … But he makes me …’ Dare I say it? ‘Happy.’
She stares at me. ‘Your parents will kill you if they find out,’ she says, like I don’t know that already.
‘It’s Josh,’ I tell her.
She raises her eyebrows. ‘Josh, Josh?’ She looks almost amused, but like maybe she gets it.
I smile. ‘Yeah. Josh, Josh. And I’m careful. Really careful.’
‘I don’t know, Neens … Is this a good idea?’
Someone taps me on the shoulder, and I jump, remembering I’m at work. I feel bad. But I also need to quickly finish what I’m saying to Raheela. So I ignore them for a minute.
‘I don’t know!’ I’m suddenly feeling very emotional. ‘But I just want to be normal. I don’t want to be the girl whose brother’s gone any more! I want to do something for me. Can you help me out? Cover for me while I see him? Tomorrow maybe?’
Raheela shakes her head. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Please?’ I beg. ‘It’s the only way …’
‘We could both get into so much trouble!’ Raheela goes on. ‘You know what my mum’s like – worse than yours.’
Something inside me snaps. Why has she come here to tell me she cares when she clearly doesn’t? ‘Fine!’ I shout. ‘FUCK OFF.’
‘I’m sorry!’ Raheela says, her voice raised too. She’s peering over my shoulder now; she looks really uncomfortable. ‘But I can’t get involved in all this!’
There’s another tap on my shoulder. I swing round. ‘WHAT?’ I shout in the woman’s face. Can’t she queue up by the till like normal people?
My boss, Rosie, glowers back at me, her blue eyes wide. She’s sucking her lip, like she does when she’s angry. I cover my mouth. My breath stalls somewhere in my throat as I stare at her pale, freckly face.
‘A word,’ she says, through gritted teeth.
I tune back into the cafe. People are staring at me. There’s a massive queue at the counter. A woman is helping herself to one of the pastries that only I’m supposed to give out. Oh God. It’s chaos. I glance back at Raheela, hoping she might share some of my embarrassment, make it a bit easier, but she’s gone. Typical.
‘I’m sorry, Rosie,’ I say, calming down. I don’t know what just happened. I totally freaked out. I breathe in deeply. ‘I’ll get back to serving. I’ve got all this under control. You don’t need to worry, I promise.’
I seem to be always making promises I can’t keep lately. But at least I intend to try with this one.
She shakes her head and her blonde curls bounce round her shoulders. ‘Dominic can sort this out,’ she says, waving him over as he comes back in from his break. She sucks her lip again. ‘You come with me. We need to talk.’
Rosie ushers me into a room I’ve never been in before. It looks like an unused office, all clean and white: empty white desk; a few white chairs; bright white walls. Something about all the white makes me feel uneasy. Like there’s nowhere to hide. I cross my arms over all the stains on my T-shirt as I sink sulkily on to one of the chairs. ‘She started it,’ I say. ‘It really wasn’t my fault.’
Rosie sits down opposite me. She crosses her legs. ‘Neena,’ she says, her voice soft but firm, in that way she has. ‘I gave you this job as a favour to your brother. You know that. And you know how much we all loved him and his work.’
I look down at my lap. Pick some hot chocolate powder off my black trousers. ‘I know,’ I say. ‘I’m sorry. I’ll try harder.’
She clears her throat. ‘Why don’t you … take some time off. Have a rest. It might help you feel … better.’
I look back up at her. She has that horrible pitying look on her face. Oh God, no, not her. Those eyes.
‘I’m fine,’ I tell her. ‘It was just … That stuff, it … it goes back years …’ I lie. ‘It’s nothing to do with anything.’
She nods but her lips stay stiff. Then she breathes in deeply and runs her fingers through her curls. ‘Think of it as us letting you have a break. You’ll be sixteen soon. You can reapply for your position then.’