‘This is the happiest I’ve ever been!’ I say.
And Akash grins. ‘You’re happy!’
I nod. ‘Yeah! Yeah, I am.’
The bridge sways. My feet lift slightly off the ledge.
‘Ready?’ Akash asks.
‘Ready,’ I say.
He grasps my hand again, squeezes it tight. ‘One,’ he says. ‘Two …’
I close my eyes.
Together, we say: ‘Three.’
But instead of falling forward, into the water, I slip backwards. The concrete smacks hard against my back. Someone screams. All the air is pulled out of my lungs.
There are voices. ‘Neena! Neens!’
Car horns beep. Tyres screech. My back, arms, head – everything – throb.
‘NEENA!’
I open my eyes. The sky is black. The moon is black. I can’t see Akash. Rain is falling, making everything blurry. Is that why I can’t see him?
I try to sit up, but something’s holding my arms down. It’s hard to breathe. I catch a glimpse of Josh’s face. And then Fi’s. I try to break free of whatever’s holding me down, but the pressure gets stronger.
‘Akash!’ I shout.
But I can’t see him and I can’t smell him and I can’t feel his hand in mine any more. I smell Fi’s hair, sweet like grapefruit, wet against my face as she hugs me.
Akash isn’t here.
Rain splashes around me. The weights on my arms loosen. Someone is propping me up. I rub the back of my head, where pain is swelling.
‘Neens,’ Josh says, grabbing my hand, kissing it. ‘Jesus Christ, Neens.’ He pulls me close. His arms are tight round me. I breathe him in, zest and sweetness. Tears roll down Fi’s face, and I know why she’s crying.
My chest aches.
I look around, all around, around, around.
But he’s not there.
I scream into the darkness.
Akash is gone.
He’s gone.
Fi, on the phone. Her cheeks wet, black from mascara. Traffic goes past: whooooosh. Josh. My Josh. His arm round my shoulders. Warm breath against my ear. A car screeches. Another voice. Chris. I’m being lifted. Cradled. I lie down. Back seat of the car. Head in Josh’s lap. Voices – muffled, distant. Rain hammering the roof as we move.
Then we stop. Josh slips away. He returns, helps me sit up. Fi too. And then we’re walking. Rain, puddles, splashing. A building. Hospital? Doors open. A gush of cool air. Snap shut behind us.
A man at a desk. No hair. Beard. Fi talking, crying, talking, crying. Josh talks too. Gentle. Calm. The man looks me up and down. Stands up. Calls someone across the waiting room. A woman. Glasses. She comes over and listens to them talking all at once. Leads me into a room. Fi. Fi. Josh has disappeared.
Woman with glasses checks my back, my neck, my head. ‘Anything hurt?’ she asks. The throbbing in my head seems to have stopped. I shake my head. ‘I just want Akash,’ I tell her. ‘Mum’s having a baby. But it’s Akash I want.’ Fi. Next to me. Sobbing again. The woman writes things down. Asks more questions. ‘Akash,’ I tell her. ‘Akash.’ My answer is always Akash.
Then there are two new women. One with a wide smile and eyes like black pebbles. The other woman is tall, hair the colour of lightning. The lightning woman is frowning; clutching a clipboard.
And then we’re moving again. All of us together, but not the woman with glasses. Josh is back.
More doors open. Close. A long corridor. Narrow. Still hospital?
Mum’s in hospital. Are they taking me to Mum? I don’t want to see her, although I can’t remember why.
Fi clutches my arm. Josh holds my hand. Josh’s hand is sweaty. Nervous? We follow the women and the corridor goes on and on. I have a sinking feeling inside. I’m not sure the corridor will ever end. I stop walking.
‘Where are we?’ I ask. Chipped pale yellow walls and tiled floor surround us.
Fi and Josh are quiet.
‘Why have you brought me here?’ I ask.
The women usher us into a room. It’s bright with peach-coloured walls and lots of blue chairs.
The women sit down. ‘Take a seat,’ the frowning woman says to us.
I look at Josh and Fi. Fi nods. Josh copies her. We sit in a row opposite the women. Everyone looks at me. What are they staring at? The frowning woman stares especially hard.
‘Hello, Neena, I’m Dr Evans and this is Bethany, one of the psychiatric nurses,’ she says. ‘Your friends tell us your thoughts are very muddled. They think you’re behaving unlike yourself and they’re worried you may be a danger to yourself. We’re trying to contact your parents, but we can’t get hold of anyone at the moment. We’ll keep trying.’
Thoughts … Muddled … Unlike yourself … Contact your parents … It all hits me, and I finally understand why they’ve brought me here.
‘You’re working with Mum and Dad, aren’t you?’ I say, standing up. ‘All of you. You want to kill me!’ I look at Josh. ‘You too?’ I ask, confused. But then I remember something; something about Josh and Fi that makes me wonder if I can trust them. But that something slips away again before the thought is fully formed.
‘No one’s trying to hurt you,’ Dr Evans says. Her voice is deep and smooth and calm. ‘We want to assess you. Help you get better. Please, sit down.’
Assess me? She means trap me. ‘Get away from me!’ I yell, backing towards the door.
Bethany stops smiling and also stands up. Her pebbly eyes seem to shrink. ‘You’re unwell. Do you recognize that, Neena? Until we get hold of your parents, are you willing to stay here voluntarily?’
I take another step back, but they all leap towards me. I try to grasp the door handle, try to escape, but Fi and Josh reach me first. Grab hold of me. I’m not sure if they’re hugging me to protect me or if they’re trying to push me down to hell. But then I smell Josh’s apple breath, and I think I might be OK, that he might be safe.
A sky-blue room. I’m sitting on a chair. Josh crouching at my feet. Dr Evans towering in front of me. Her bright blue eyes. Piercing.
‘We’ve spoken to your father,’ Dr Evans says. ‘He’ll be here as soon as he can but he’s held up. He’s given his consent so we can give you medication.’ She’s talking really, really fast.
I shiver. ‘No,’ I say. ‘They’re trying to … to kill me.’
Josh holds both my hands. Presses his forehead against them. ‘Trust me,’ he says. ‘No one is trying to kill you. Please, take the tablets.’
I look into his soft eyes. ‘I don’t know what’s going on,’ I say. ‘Nothing’s making sense.’ I think I can trust him but I can’t be absolutely sure.
‘I know,’ he says. ‘But you know I love you, don’t you?’
Josh has kind eyes; I know them so well. I know him. I love him. But does he love me? I thought he did, thought he said so, but then … What happened? Something happened that made me doubt that. Now I’m not so sure …
He wraps his arms round my waist. ‘I do, Neens. I’ve always loved you.’
I want to believe his words. I think I do. I believe him. I lean into him. Soft hair. I smell lemon. Sweat.