‘You all right there, mate?’ Josh says, pulling me close to him. He seems suddenly taller, broader.
The guy stares at me. His eyes are like fire, rings of red round the white. His lips are almost black and he’s wearing a red cap. He walks away, but he keeps glancing over his shoulder at me.
My skin burns all over. My chest is far too tight. I need to get out of here.
‘Do you know him or something?’ Josh asks.
‘I don’t know. I’m not sure. I … I need some air.’ I try to walk but stumble instead.
Josh grabs my arm. ‘Whoa there, steady. Let’s get you some water.’
I shake my head. ‘No. Air. I need air.’ My chest is getting tighter and tighter.
That Asian guy is still looking at me. He’s standing on the dance floor, staring. Not even hiding it. Just staring.
He knows Dad. He knows Dad. He knows Dad.
My scalp tingles. My fingertips go numb. My throat tightens. There’s just not enough air.
‘What’s happening?’ I say, grabbing Josh’s arm. ‘I can’t breathe.’
We sway through the crowd. Josh’s arm is round me. I lean into him, press my face against his soft cotton shirt.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
But I can’t breathe. I’ve got pins and needles in my feet. The music’s too loud; my ears are ringing. My palms are sweaty, my back, my neck. I’m dripping with sweat. I glance up – the Asian guy’s still staring at me.
I realize that it’s Jay. Is it?
I step towards him, hoping he’s come to tell me what he knows about where Akash might be. But his face is so cruel that I know that’s not what’s going on here. And I realize the truth: I kissed Jay. I cheated on Josh. Josh is going to find out.
I get it now. Fi has invited Jay here. She knows about the kiss and she wants Josh to find out too. I’ve fallen into her trap. My chest gets even tighter. Pain shoots through it and up into my neck. I grab hold of Josh.
Am I dying? Is this what it feels like? Because maybe I deserve to die.
I’m a cheat. Josh loves me but I cheated on him.
‘What is it, Neens?’ Josh says, shaking my arm.
I close my eyes. Concentrate on breathing. ‘Scared,’ I tell him. I’m going to die from not breathing.
‘Don’t be,’ Josh says strongly. ‘I’m here. I won’t let anything happen to you.’
I open my eyes and gaze up into Josh’s. I’m suddenly overwhelmed by my feelings for him, so thankful to have him by my side. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t say it back last night,’ I blurt out. ‘But I do love you. I love you too, Josh.’
Josh looks confused. ‘Last night? Say it back?’ He shakes his head. ‘What are you talking about, Neens?’
I frown at him, the buzz of feelings in my belly fading. How could he have forgotten already? ‘The picnic in the park?’ I remind him. ‘When you said you loved me? I should’ve said it back then – I think I was … I was afraid … of ruining the moment or something.’
Josh is staring at me like I’ve got four heads. ‘What? We didn’t go to the park last night! We didn’t have a picnic …’ His voice trails off and he continues to just stare at me like I’m an alien. ‘You messaged me to meet you at the park, but I was asleep. I didn’t see your message until this morning …’
Now it’s my turn to stare at him. What he’s saying doesn’t make any sense. I can’t quite figure out what’s going on. I know we had a picnic last night. I know he said he loved me. I remember. I remember it all.
‘We did meet – and you definitely said you loved me,’ I tell him firmly.
Josh shakes his head again. ‘No, we didn’t, Neens. And I’ve never said that to you.’
Why’s he lying? He’s looking at me with pity in his eyes. Has he decided he doesn’t love me after all, and so now he’s denying the whole thing? Does he like Fi instead? If that’s what’s going on, I need to know. ‘So you don’t love me?’ I ask, before I lose my nerve.
Josh puts his hands to his head. He looks genuinely confused. ‘No, no, it’s not that. I mean, I do … I do love you … I think … I’ve thought I have for a long time – years even – but I … The picnic, Neens. We didn’t go. And I didn’t say that last night.’
Now I’m really confused. The room spins around me. My thoughts whirl.
Josh loves me. He thinks he’s loved me for years. But we didn’t have a picnic in the park last night?
But I remember meeting him. I can recall how I felt when he kissed me under the moonlight. The taste of spice on his lips. And, this morning, the empty wicker basket was by my bedside. I’d pushed it under the bed when I was tidying up, because I was worried Mum or Dad might find it.
Nothing’s making sense. Josh looks really worried now. And then it dawns on me.
Oh God. Was the basket actually still full? It was quite heavy.
No. It can’t be. Can it? What does this mean? That I imagined it? Dreamed it? No. It was real. I remember. He said he loved me.
‘You’re lying!’ I shout at Josh. ‘I remember. I do!’
I’m shaking hard. Josh pulls me close and I let him because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know what to believe.
If that was all a dream, what else was a dream? Is any of this real?
What about Akash? He’s been helping me paint. Talking to me. Was that real?
Where is he? If he’s real, where is he now?
Then over Josh’s shoulder, through the swaying room, I see him. The back of him.
My brother.
All the remaining breath is sucked out of me.
White hoody. White trainers. Jeans. The same clothes he was wearing the last time I saw him. That night.
I grab hold of Josh’s arm. ‘I’ve found him,’ I say. ‘I’ve found my brother!’
‘What? Let’s get you some water.’ Josh puts his arm round me again.
I pull away. ‘No! I need to talk to him.’ But I can’t see him now. He’s disappeared again.
I turn back to Josh. ‘I’ve lost him. I’ve lost him and it’s all your fault.’ People move around us in every direction. I feel dizzy. Lost.
Someone bumps into me so hard that I bounce back against Josh.
‘Ouch!’ I say. ‘Watch it.’ The girl is twice my size. I touch my head, where her bottle of beer hit me.
Josh grabs my arm. ‘Come on,’ he says. ‘Let’s get some air.’
And then I catch a flash of Fi’s red hair as she grabs my arm too and pulls me with Josh. She has one arm; he has the other. I smell Fi’s flowery perfume. Her dress is silky against my arm. Their fingers dig into my skin.
‘You’re hurting me!’ I shout at them, trying to pull away. Fi grabs me even harder.
Tears stir in my throat. ‘Where is he?’ I demand. ‘Where’s my brother?’
‘What?’ Fi says.
‘Let’s get her some water,’ Josh replies.
I shake my head. ‘No! I need to find Akash. I can’t leave him this time.’ I look around, but the place is too crowded. It’s getting more and more crowded by the second.