Ryan steps in front of me and kisses me before pressing his face into the crook of my neck and whispering, “Hi, baby. You smell amazing.”
“Thank you,” I say back, kissing him again.
“How’d everything go today?”
“Perfect, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t nervous as hell,” I respond, trying to sound casual. All this hype surrounding my book has really brought my thoughts of Elliot to the front of my brain. Sometimes I feel guilty thinking about Elliot when I have Ryan here with me.
“Nah. You have nothing to be nervous about,” he says pulling me into his arms and kissing along my neck. “You’re amazing.”
Ryan always knows exactly what to say and on most days his words would be enough, but today, I’m struggling. I hate feeling anxious.
I would have thought by now this feeling would have dissipated, but the anxiety is still here. Maybe it’s because of Alice’s grand opening, all the money both of us have put into this dream of hers, but when I look over at her, she’s anything but nervous. Giggling and teasing James as the two of them finish hanging the paper lanterns. Something just doesn’t feel right, but by the looks on everyone’s faces in this room, I’m the only one who feels this way.
“You okay, baby?” Ryan asks and I swallow hard, forcing back the need to confess to him that something is bothering me. But I’m not even sure what I can tell him. It’s just a feeling.
“Yeah, I’m good,” I lie, trying on a fake smile.
Ryan returns the smile, taking my hand in his, he leads me over to Alice and James and we start discussing where we should eat dinner.
The night goes by without incident and the nervousness that filled my day is finally beginning to fade. James and Alice head back to his place while Ryan and I make our way back to my apartment. Alice is still living with me, but in recent weeks has begun to spend more and more time at James’ apartment.
Exhausted from the day’s events and knowing we have to be up early to continue preparing for Alice’s grand opening, we decide to go to bed immediately after arriving home.
Lying next to Ryan in the silence of the room, my thoughts begin to wander and I find myself thinking about Elliot. In a week it will be thirteen years. I hate the number thirteen and not for all those stupid reasons that people claim it’s superstitious.
My mother died on the thirteenth of July, I broke both my arms when I was thirteen trying to do an axel jump on a makeshift ice rink my dad built in the backyard, thirteen was the number of times I was contacted by the same agent when I first started writing back when I finished college, only to finally be turned down by her.
It’s an ugly number in my world and tends to only bring problems. There are plenty more reasons why I hate that number and now I can add never finding Elliot to that list. Year thirteen. The year I gave up.
I roll over and press myself against the warmth of Ryan’s skin. His smell is calming, a clean smell that makes me inhale deeply. His arm slips under my head, cradling me against him and I feel his lips press down onto the top of my head.
I want to lose myself in Ryan, forget the day and anything that comes before or after it. I want to forget Elliot. At least that’s what I continually tell myself.
I press a few soft kisses to his chest and he lets out a low groan. His free hand slides down my body and cups my ass. Sliding out from underneath me, Ryan settles himself on top of me, the weight of his body somehow controlling my over stimulated mind. He begins to kiss his way down my neck before pulling the straps of my tank down.
“Make love to me,” I whisper, but it comes out detached. And when I close my eyes I see Elliot’s face.
I’m a horrible person. I hate myself for being in bed with Ryan but thinking about Elliot. I pull myself together before I lose it and start to cry.
I don’t know if I love Ryan, but maybe someday I will. He’s here with me, and he’s wonderful and kind and generous and maybe, just maybe he loves me.
I’ve sabotaged so many relationships in the past because of my obsession with finding Elliot and I don’t want to ruin what I have with Ryan. Even if in a few months or a few years it fizzles out and we both realize it wasn’t meant to be, I need to know I put forth the effort that keeps a relationship moving forward.
I pull his face to mine and kiss him gently, my tongue meeting his as he takes my face in his hands. His body resting against mine as he begins to move slowly and effortlessly, each movement caring but never saying what I need it to say.
I wake up the next morning with a flurry of anxiety pouring through my veins. I know it has been a crazy weekend and there is still more to come with Alice’s grand opening, I can’t seem to put my finger on what is causing me to feel this way.
I keep coming back to it being the thirteenth year that I would’ve been looking for Elliot and chalking it all up to that. It’s been something I’ve done for so long and finally ridding it from my life will just take some time.
Ryan rolls over and tugs my arm pulling me closer to him. “I love waking up next to you,” he says, his voice still hoarse with sleep. His hair is tousled and his lids still heavy as he looks down at me and presses a kiss to my forehead. There are plenty of girls who would want to wake up next to Ryan. He’s beautiful, almost too good-looking and there are many times I think I don’t deserve him. He’s quite perfect and I should be far more appreciative of what I have.
I like Ryan, but like I said, I’m not in love with him and that may be incredibly selfish of me to keep him around, but I feel like when I eventually move beyond all of this with Elliot, I could love Ryan. But asking him to wait is horrible of me, yet I can’t let go.
“I like waking up next to you, too,” I respond, trying my best to convince myself this is exactly what I want.
I wrap my arms around Ryan’s warm body as I feel myself begin to settle. There are days when I’m okay and despite waking up feeling shaky and worried, I feel like today I will devote myself to this relationship and making a future with Ryan.
“We have to get over to the studio and finish setting up,” I tell Ryan and he yawns before kissing me softly.
“Sounds good, pretty girl,” he says and his words make my heart flutter.
“Ryan?” I say and he looks down at me with a loose smile on his face and a look of contentment in his eyes. It calms me that he’s oblivious to my anxiety, that I don’t project it so openly. “Do you have any idea how wonderful you are?” I ask, my fingertip tracing his perfect lips.
“No, but I like when you tell me,” he says smirking coyly.
“Oh, do you?” I shoot back playfully pinching his side. “Well, Ryan, you are the most wonderful person in my life. Now don’t let it go to your head.”
“Too late. It already has. Now that I know you think that I can stop being on my best behavior.”
He quickly slips always from me and straddles my hips, pinning my arms above my head. I’m giggling like a schoolgirl as he buries his face in my neck and begins nipping and kissing.
“If this is your best behavior, I can’t wait to see your naughty side,” I giggle out and Ryan pulls back from me. His eyes are lustful and I feel something stir deep within my belly, a feeling that has stayed buried for far too long.