“I think you were looking for a distraction from all of this too. This takes your mind off the grand opening and lets you focus on someone who has more drama in their life than you.”
“Whatever it is, I think we both could use a vacation from it,” Alice says, linking arms with me and tugging me out the door.
Alice’s party goes off without a hitch and all her wealthy clients managed to bring her in a whole bunch of new business. Alice is beaming but exhausted by the time it ends and James calls them a cab and the two leave together, leaving Ryan and me to finish the last of the clean up.
As I’m folding up the last of the chairs, Ryan takes the garbage to the trash chute. The rental company will be by tomorrow morning to pick everything up and I know Alice has a shoot scheduled here at noon. I don’t want her worrying about whether everything will be ready or not, so Ryan and I take care of it.
He slings his arm around my shoulders and I lean into him as we leave the studio. I’m tired, but I’m still so happy for Alice.
“You seem different,” Ryan says as we exit the building and start to make the walk back to my apartment.
“Really?” I question. “How?”
“I don’t know. You seem happier.”
“I am. I’m happy for Alice.”
“That’s not what I mean. You seem happier with me tonight.”
“Ryan,” I say, trying to choose the right words. I feel badly he even notices my distant behavior toward him. None of this is his fault.
“You don’t need to explain,” he says, silencing me before I can continue. I’m not sure what I would’ve said anyway. Made some excuse, lied to him. And I’m not even sure I’m happier with him, I think I’m just growing more comfortable with the idea of being with someone that isn’t Elliot.
I cradle myself against him as we walk and even though I’ve grown used to feeling his arms around me, his body pressed to mine, at times it still feels strange.
As we approach my building, Ryan stops me, taking my face in his hands, he kisses me and something about it makes me smile. The suddenness of it, the way it makes my breath catch, the feeling of his warm hands on my face, but when he pulls away, I swallow hard and feel a rush of anxiety surge through me. I shiver despite the warm July evening and the feeling of being on edge escalates. Something in me prompts me to look away from Ryan and when I do, I focus on the entrance to my apartment building.
I look down the darkened street only to see a man leave my building. His back is to me, but I feel like I know him. Something about him is familiar and my body screams at me to chase him down the street, to stop him, but I can’t.
“Do you know him?” Ryan asks and he quickly brings me back to him, his fingers brushing my cheek.
“I don’t think so,” I say, not wanting to elaborate on my need to find out who it was. I shrug my shoulders, making light of it and entwine my fingers with Ryan’s and lead him to the door.
The doorman is talking to someone when we enter and he gives us a quick nod of his head before returning to his conversation. I regard him with a small wave and Ryan and I disappear into the elevator.
I thought it was beginning to fade, that I was slowly getting over him. I’d have my moments, but nothing big and then this happens. The obsession finds its way back and for some reason I saw Elliot in that guy, the one walking away from my apartment. In the past I found myself searching the faces of the people walking by, looking for Elliot, hoping he would somehow find his way to me.
Writing the book brought all my insecurities out and with each word I wrote, sometimes the feelings would be too strong. I found myself wondering about Elliot and what had become of his life. It was almost too much to bear, thinking about him moving on with his life. I couldn’t think about him loving someone else. I needed him to remain in my memory and as much as I want to forget, I can’t let go.
Chapter Twenty-One: Elliot
The cab ride from the airport to my hotel seems unusually long and the traffic is never-ending. I opted to stay near the address I found so I don’t have to take a cab. I’ll be able to walk to what I hope is Nora’s apartment and in my warped and fucked up mind, I’m thinking it’s going to be that simple, that she’ll be home and we’ll pick up where we left off. In a way I have to believe this is going to work or I’ve wasted twelve years of my life. Thirteen if I count this year.
I pay for the cab and check into my hotel room. The fucked up thing is that I don’t have a return flight. I set a date to check out of the hotel in two days, but I never booked a flight. Wishful thinking, I guess, but I know I can’t stay. It’s not even a viable option and in a way it’s totally fucking creepy. I can’t just insert myself into her life.
I’m now sitting on the bed in the hotel room as my head starts to spin.
What the fuck am I doing here?
It now suddenly seems completely fucking crazy. I’ve given absolutely no thought to any of this. Driven by spontaneity and obviously insanity, I flew to New York without a plan or any idea how I would approach the situation. I try to imagine what it would be like for someone to show up at my apartment unannounced and uninvited, someone from my past, someone I might not actually want to see. But then, I’m biased, because if Nora showed up at my place I’d be fucking ecstatic. I don’t even know what to do at this point.
I pull my laptop from my bag and quickly begin to search for a return flight, because if this is an epic fucking disaster, I’m going to want to get the hell home. But then instead, I locate the name of her publisher and her agent, I send an email explaining who I am, leaving a brief explanation, nothing too over the top and hopefully I will hear back from them before I go on this fucking journey to find Nora.
A couple of hours have passed and I’m sitting in a bar where I have now had lunch, drank a few pints and checked my phone at least a million times. Still nothing from Nora’s publisher or agent in response to my email, but it is Sunday. Right now I have two choices, find Nora or go home. I drink a few more beers and let the hours pass until it’s late in the afternoon and it seems like the more I drink the more this idea becomes fucking ridiculous. But I came here to find her and that’s what I’m going to do.
I leave the bar with the intention of going to what I assume is Nora’s apartment, but I realize I’m far more drunk than I planned on getting. Showing up unannounced and drunk is not exactly the impression I want to make, so I head back to my hotel to sober up.
It doesn’t take long before I pass out on the bed and wake up a couple of hours later in a panic. I can’t remember where the fuck I am and then it hits me as I look out the window and see the sun just beginning to set. This time the panic returns, and not because I can’t remember where I am, but because I’m running out of time. I need to get my shit together and see if I can find Nora.
I wash my face, brush my teeth and grab my phone from the nightstand and immediately head to the address I have for Nora.
It only takes me about fifteen minutes to walk there from the hotel and I look at my watch as I approach the main entrance to the building. It’s a little after seven and I’m hoping she’ll be home given it’s a Sunday.