Chapter Twenty: Nora
It’s almost time for Alice’s grand opening and the two of us are now standing in the tiny bathroom in my apartment trying to get ready. The sheer size of the bathroom is making it extremely difficult. I’m practically standing in the bathtub while I blow dry my hair, while Alice has stripped off her dress and is fanning her armpits with an annoyed look on her face.
“Fuck me!” she yells over the hum of the blow dryer. “It’s hotter than a crotch in here!”
“Graphic,” I shout back as Alice leans in close to the mirror to apply another coat of mascara.
I switch off the blow dryer and grab the straightener. “I’ll do this in my room. The bathroom’s all yours,” I say as I swat Alice on the butt and leave.
She giggles a bit, but adds, “I’m moving out.” And then regards me with some sincerity in her eyes and for a second I think she might be serious.
“Oh don’t be so dramatic, Alice. It isn’t that bad.”
“I’m serious, Nora,” she says, turning to look at me. “I’ve been here too long and with James living here now and the business up and running, it’s time. I’m moving in with James.”
“Okay,” I answer back, but my voice is quiet. I’m not sure why I’m feeling hurt but I am. I’ve grown used to having Alice here and now that her life is back on track, I can’t help but wonder what will happen to our relationship. So much has changed between us and even though I like to tease her about shacking up here for free for the last year, I’ve truly enjoyed having her here.
I didn’t realize how lonely I was until Alice moved in. She eased some of that, not to mention how much she’s helped me get over Elliot. It was Alice who told me to take a chance on Ryan. Without her here, I’m not sure I would’ve had the drive to change anything. She’s been a huge support system for me and I worry about losing that.
“Stop looking so hurt,” Alice says with a smile on her face. “It’s not like I’m moving across the country. And I’m sure you’re ready to have your apartment back so you can stop having quiet sex with Ryan.” Alice widens her eyes at me and nods her head making me laugh a little.
“Yeah, you’re right,” I answer, conceding even though my anxiety has returned. I really need to start seeing my therapist again so I can get this shit under control. Clearly everything is just fine. “When are you planning to move out?” I ask.
“I was thinking soon. Maybe on Thursday of this week? I figure I’ll take Friday off, that way James and I have time to get everything moved and unpacked because I have sessions booked for the weekend.”
“Shit, that’s quick, but I guess you don’t really have all that much stuff to move and if you’re moving in with James you don’t need to find a place of your own.” With that I leave Alice to finish getting ready and as I hit my room I realize that Thursday is the thirteenth of July.
Fuck me.
And fuck that number.
I’m putting way too much on all of this and I really need to get over it. I knew as time approached to the date I would normally have started searching for Elliot I would feel conflicted, but I also never expected to meet Ryan, have Alice’s grand opening and find out she’s moving out all at once.
I shake the whole thing off knowing this is Alice’s day and she needs my support right now.
An hour later the two of us are waiting for James and Ryan to arrive so we can all head over to the studio together.
“You nervous?” I ask Alice as she sits on the couch picking at her nails.
“A little, but I think you’re more nervous than I am,” she says, giving me a sideways glance. “And I’m not sure it’s entirely because of my grand opening.” I swallow hard and suddenly want to unload on her all my fears. “I know the anniversary or whatever you want to call it is coming up. It’s going to be hard, Nora, but things have changed, you’ve changed and as much as you want to forget Elliot and everything you’ve done in the past, it’s going to take some time.”
“I know. I just feel anxious about the whole thing.”
“I think that’s probably normal. It was something you did for twelve years. That’s a long fucking time and after reading what you wrote and spending time with you while you looked for Elliot, I believe you did fall in love with him. And after the way it ended, you were never able to get the closure you needed, but I think you found some of that in writing the book.”
Everything Alice says is true. I have found closure in the book. Writing our story has allowed me to find comfort in knowing I’ve put it out there. All my fears, my emotions, my feelings down in one place.
“I’ve told you before,” Alice says firmly but sympathetically. “You have two choices, move on and fall in love again or continue to look for Elliot. Both options have their pros and cons, but finding Elliot might never bring you the happiness you’re seeking.”
I laugh at her last line and she stands up and pulls me into her arms for a hug.
“You are so fucking stupid,” I say and Alice swats at me as I pull away from her. “When did you become all philosophical and shit?”
“When I had to spend three fucking weeks touring the country looking for Elliot with you. Gave me some insight into how you work.” She pauses for a second and eyes me with reverence and I can’t figure her out. But then she says, “Or maybe finding Elliot will always be what you need.”
“Fuck, Alice!” I shout and she shakes her head at me. “You can’t say shit like that to me.”
“I know, Nora. But even though I think you’re happy with Ryan and things in your life have changed for the better, Elliot will always be someone you want. The one thing you will always seek even if you aren’t literally looking for him.”
“Alice, you seriously can’t do this to me now. I was finally starting to let myself fall for Ryan and now you come in here with this shit and it fucks everything up.” My voice is loud, a near yell, but Alice doesn’t seem at all flustered by my response.
“You can blame me, Nora if you want, but just because you don’t say it out loud doesn’t make it true. You’ve never stopped thinking about Elliot.”
Alice is right. Not a day goes by that he doesn’t cross my mind and each time, I feel my heart shatter into a million pieces. I want to end all of this, but I physically cannot make myself stop.
“No, but at least I can fake it if I just keep my mouth shut.” I let out an exasperated huff and flop down on the couch. I can feel the threat of tears forming and that’s the last thing I need right now. Ryan and James will be here any minute and I don’t want to have to explain that I’m once again crying over a guy I met for a total of twelve hours and somehow managed to fall head over heels in love with.
The buzzer sounds and Alice looks at me with sympathetic eyes. “You ready?” she asks and I leave the couch, grabbing a cardigan from my closet, I meet her by the door. “I’m sorry,” she whispers before hugging me.
“It’s not your fault I’m a fuck up.”
“I shouldn’t have brought it up. I knew it would upset you, but I still did it.”