“For as long as she’ll let me.”
We all stand there awkwardly, her words sinking in. There’s not really a response when someone admits their life is in complete limbo and there are no plans for the future. But my sister knows me well, so she jumps in.
“Why don’t Carson and I color for a little bit and you guys can talk in the kitchen?”
“Color!” Carson yells and wiggles his way out of Paul’s arms and onto the floor. He runs off leaving Paul free to grab the bags and follow me into the kitchen.
“You really didn’t have to do this,” I say as we begin unloading everything he brought.
“Honestly, I wasn’t sure how to help since I didn’t know what was wrong. Now I’m glad I brought food.” He tilts his head toward the living room. “I take it your swift departure was about Nicole?”
I nod sadly. “She called me from the hospital the morning after… well, you know what morning I’m talking about.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t imagine what kind of a shock it must have been.”
“I think at first I just went on autopilot. But when I saw her…” I bite my bottom lip. I don’t want to cry again. She’s just in the other room and I won’t let her see me get teary. I can’t. My job is to be her strength. I take a few moments and when I feel stronger, I finish my sentence. “She’s cleaned up now so it doesn’t look as bad as it did. But yes, I have images in my brain I will never forget.”
“What can I do?”
“Honestly, I don’t know. I’m really glad tips are good right now. It’ll make it easier to feed everyone. Mostly, I think she needs time. She startles easily and she’s embarrassed. I kind of want to bring her with me to work for a while so she’s not here alone and afraid, but I don’t know if just being around the guys will scare her.”
“Maybe if Heath talks to them and makes sure everyone leaves her alone, she’ll actually feel more protected with them around.”
I nod because it’s definitely something to think about. I know I’d feel more secure with her at the bar. Logically, it’s unlikely Jeremy will drive all the way out here to find her, but you just never know with guys like him.
“Anyway, if she wants to come with you, I’m okay with that. We can let her hang out in the office or she can even stay at my apartment if she wants.”
“I don’t think she’ll be comfortable being alone with you at your place.”
“I won’t be back there much. Tammy is hounding me to hire some new people. I need to get on that. Create ads and all that crap again.”
“Tammy’s not wrong. I know it’s not official until you hit the six-month mark in the black or whatever, but I think it’s a safe bet to call yourself a successful business owner at this point. It can only get busier from here.”
He chuckles. “You aren’t the first person to tell me that over the last couple of days.”
“Why don’t you believe us?”
Paul’s eyes seem to get sad at my question. I may have struck a nerve.
“My dad was a real son of a bitch. Rode us kids hard on everything. Don’t quit until it’s perfect. Failure is not an option. He had like this military mindset when it came to raising kids.”
Paul looks at the floor, refusing to make eye contact with me. Whether it’s from embarrassment or because he’s visualizing memories, I’m not sure. The only thing I know is I’m seeing a side of Paul I’m certain he doesn’t show most people.
“He constantly drilled into our heads that we were nothing unless we were successful, that the worst thing we could ever do is fail. The irony of it is he didn’t stick around long enough to teach us how to succeed. He left us with no tools for achievement, only a psyche that always struggles with the fear of mistakes.”
Paul looks up, lips quirking up on one side like he’s trying to smile but can’t quite get there. “I like you so much, Kiersten. More than like. I’ve been falling for you since, hell I don’t even know how long it’s been. I’m also terrified I’ll fuck it all up and leave you and Carson as damaged as he left me.”
I’m speechless. Completely at a loss for words at the bomb he just dropped. Images flood my brain of a future with Paul. Thoughts of what could be. I allow myself just a small moment to enjoy it before pulling myself back to reality. Because it doesn’t matter how Paul feels. What matters is how he acts. And that’s not something I can trust yet.
“I really loved Spence.” Paul winces at the name, which doesn’t go unnoticed or unappreciated by me, as much as I hate to admit it. “I had my eyes wide open during that relationship and as it turns out, it didn’t matter. The wool was still pulled over them. I’m not sure if we were a game to him or what, but I am fully convinced if he hadn’t died, he would have yanked me and Carson around until I accidentally found out about his real life.”
“He was a dick.”
“He was probably a clinical narcissist,” I clarify. “But that’s beside the point. What Spence taught me is that pretty words are really nice to hear, but without action to back it up, there’s no substance.”
“I know,” Paul says quietly. “That’s why I brought food. I wanted to show you I’m not just talk. I’m action.”
“And it was a really nice action. But I can’t ignore the red flags all over the place, Paul. Red flags you planted.”
He digs his hands into his pockets, a move I’ve discovered he does when he’s nervous. “You’re right.”
“I know. So, you can see why I’m hesitant. I know all of this is your way of apologizing, which I fully accept. But that doesn’t mean I’m ready to take the next step with you.”
He holds my gaze but I can see the determination in his eyes.
“I understand. And I accept that. I broke your trust with my flippant words and fickle behavior. But Kiersten,” he takes a step toward me, close enough I have to lift my head to maintain eye contact. “I will win your trust back. I don’t like knowing my flippant use of words made you take a step back. I’ve missed you the last few days and I don’t ever want to feel like this again.”
“I’ve missed you too.” I fight to keep my arms from wrapping around his neck, when all I want to do is let him hold me. “But I can’t.”
He tucks a stray hair behind my ear, the brush of his finger making me shiver. “I know. And I respect that. I just wanted you to know where my brain is at.”
He backs away slowly, never taking his locked gaze off me before he turns on his heel and walks out my front door, leaving me to my swirling thoughts.
TWENTY-FIVE
Paul
The last few days have been nothing short of a nightmare.
They’ve also been a tremendous relief.
It’s a dichotomy I’m still trying to wrap my brain around, but I try to remind myself of the important things.
The most important being Kiersten is back. You wouldn’t know by talking to her that she and I had a falling out of sorts. Or at least, no one else would. I can still see the reservation on her face when we interact. It’s clear she doesn’t trust me, which I deserve. I hurt her with my words. It takes time for the sting to go away. But she’s still fun and engaging with the customers and I like that. She still takes time to cut a rug with Dwayne on the dance floor. The only time her demeanor is different is when she talks to her sister. I’m not sure if Kiersten’s energy tones down because she doesn’t want to overwhelm Nicole or because she doesn’t want to overwhelm herself, but the change is definitely there.