“Know what?”
“That you’re a top?”
“Because I like it, so I do it.”
I make a face. “But that’s so…”
“Yes?” he asks, and I wince.
“Just…narrow-minded, to be honest. No person is ever just one thing. Right?”
Scott gives me a look.
“What?” I ask.
“It’s just…you’re the one telling me this? You told me yourself, he’s never even licked you out, because you didn’t want it.”
“Well…that’s the thing. He wants it. For Valentine’s. Tonight.”
He makes a face. “Ahhh. I get it now.”
“What do you say?”
“I don’t know, man. This stuff can be tricky. The first guy I dated, he was a top, too. I really liked him – maybe even loved – but he wouldn’t budge, and neither would I. I actually did try it once, for a minute. Hated it, to be honest.”
“So what happened, you made it work for a while?”
“No. We broke up that day.”
I look off at nothing. If I ever lost River, I’d be depressed forever…
“Dude, you look like someone died,” he says.
“I’m just…thinking. When I jack off, I don’t think about getting fucked. I think about fucking River. That means I won’t even like it, right?”
He shrugs. “Who knows. Try it. But I’ve heard of it changing things.”
“Changing things? Like…how?”
“Like, I know this guy, Lance.”
I laugh a little.
“Nothing, it’s just River said that was a…a gay name…never mind, it’s hard to explain.”
“You two with your little inside jokes. Anyway. His guy tried to top him, and he couldn’t…perform, if you know what I mean, and Lance said it kinda changed how he saw him. forever. Before, they had a whole situation set up in their heads – one was the top, one was the bottom. Once they fucked it up, they never went back to normal.”
“Why, though? Why are you so against it?”
“I’m just more of a…traditional guy in that sense.”
“Scott, stop for a second. Think about that word. ‘Traditional,’ and everything…aren’t we, like, not seen as traditional by society anymore, because we’re gay? And different.”
“I…don’t know. I’m just more old-fashioned.”
I make a face, and he rolls his eyes.
“What?” he asks. “You can say it.”
“Don’t you just think that’s kinda dumb, though? Doesn’t being gay mean we don’t have to follow the rules anymore?”
“You sound like River right now.”
I exhale. “I just…I just don’t know anymore. It’s almost like gay people take the treatment we get from society, and then turn and do it to each other, too. Top, bottom, man role, female role – aren’t these all kind of meaningless?”
He shakes his head. “Dude, you’re making my brain hurt. Look, if you wanna get fucked, get fucked. I’m not telling you what to do. You might like it, you never know.”
“And if I don’t?”
He kind of shivers. “You’ll find out, I guess…”
I head into the showers and sigh.
Ugh. I knew that getting a guy was going to be complicated, but the whole sex thing can still be kind of confusing. Not with us – our sex is fucking phenomenal, and it’s simple. But what I don’t get is…well, the larder gay world. I’ve never dated, never gone on the hookup apps, never had a one-night-stand. Not that I want to, I just wonder about the rules.
How do you know you’ll be sexually compatible? How do you know your preferences will fit together? I guess I never really thought about that part of it – I just assumed River would be my bottom.
But since we don’t really talks about exes – he is my life now, and I don’t care about the past – I guess I never stopped to ask him about what he was before me. I know he’s mentioned being a pretty rough top, but I have no way of knowing for sure.
When I’m done, I pull out my phone and Google the whole thing. It leads me to an interesting article:
Getting fucked in the ass for the first time was the scariest thing of my life, and I absolutely loved it.
For context, I’m very emotionally dominant in relationships, but when my boyfriend asked me to bottom, I never really thought about how I was giving him power over me. But the second he entered me, I shifted into a mode I’ve never known before.
I felt so submissive to him, I even noticed my voice changed and got needier and breathier. I’d never felt beholden to anyone in my life, and suddenly he was my king. All I wanted, all I needed, was for him to keep fucking me. It felt out-of-this-world good, but it also took me to an emotional place I’d never even expected.
I do it all the time now. It never got any less scary. And I love it more every time.
I look away and decide…I can’t do that.
I just can’t.
It could change my entire dynamic with River.
And I can’t risk that.
Suddenly River texts me:
River: Hey!
River: So…
River: Any update on…the question I asked?
Even after all this, I smile – because seeing River’s name always makes me smile.
Chandler: Still thinking about it. Love you. Call you soon.
Chandler: And happy Valentine’s, again!!!
River: Happy Valentine’s Day, too!
River: At least I certainly ~hope~ it will be a happy one, but then again, that all comes down to you…
River: Just kidding! Love you so much, and see you tonight! Xoxo
I toss my phone into my bag, then get a glimpse of the prostate wand that I threw in here (after I cleaned it, of course). And suddenly my love for River overwhelms everything else and makes me wonder something:
Should I try it again?
5
River Browning
“God, he is so fucking hot.”
“Um. This is my boyfriend you are talking about.”
My best friend Marcus shrugs. We were drinking frozé at this outdoor bar in Midtown after work when Chandler texted me, and his icon popped up. It’s a picture of him on the beach at Sea Island, and yeah, it’s obviously hot as fuck.
But it’s my job to say that.
Not Marcus’ job.
“So?” Marcus asks. “I didn’t say I wanted to fuck him. Although I would, clearly. I’m just saying he’s hot. Because he is. And straight, too.”
“Not anymore, he’s not,” I say as I shake my head.
“Whatever. You know what I mean. And that was a double negative.”
“What? No it wasn’t,” I say as I sip my frozé.
“Yes it was. You said ‘not anymore’ and ‘he’s not’ in the same sentence. Repetitive. Double negative.”
“Shut up, freak.”
“Sorry, just doing my job as the resident Atlanta grammar police.”