“I would say I don’t get it, because he’s hotter than you, but then again Mikey Tillman told me how good at sucking dick you are…so I kinda get it. He said it was ‘like a vacuum cleaner, but wet,’ whatever that means. Oh, and he also said you can do a full split on the edge of the bed, and take the dick while in the split.”
“Gross, why were you talking about that?”
Marcus just shrugs. “You landed the hottest guy in Atlanta, and I was curious as to how you did it. Sue me.”
“I never said it was incorrect,” I point out. “Just creepy. And yes, those gymnastic lessons I begged for in middle school did pay off, even if they did horrify my father into silence. He wanted me in football instead, of course. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a virgin to hopefully deflower.”
“Have fun! Be safe! Send pics!”
“I’d rather die! Bye.”
~
As I settle into my desk, I think about what Marcus said about me wanting this for purely selfish reasons.
Yes, I want to fuck my boyfriend’s ass. But I also want him to experience it, too.
I know I’m mainly a top, but getting your ass penetrated should be a prerequisite, if you ask me. It teaches you so much humility – you are going to huff and puff and pant and make faces that make you look like you’ve been constipated for twelve hours; you are going to be pushed into awkward positions that make you look like you just gained fifteen pounds overnight; you are going to make sounds that resemble a dying monkey.
I strongly believe that if every arrogant straight man got his ass fucked, we’d have approximately eighty percent less wars out there, just because their egos would get knocked down a few notches.
Aside from that, it’s also indescribably heavenly. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt before – it tickles nerves you didn’t know existed, and it fills you with so many endorphins, you feel instantly and temporarily with whoever is fucking you. You kind of just throw your legs up and take someone’s cock and think to yourself, Yes! Yes! Yes! This is the best thing ever, and I’m obsessed with you, and your cock is performing a miracle in my anus right now!
And the reaction from the guy if he busts inside you, Jesus Christ – nobody will ever cum harder. And they’re cumming inside your body. I know I can’t get pregnant, but I can imagine it’s the closest possible situation.
I just wish the whole thing wasn’t so damn complicated, on a social and interpersonal level. Sexual positions were already the weirdest part of the gay dating world, even before Chandler. I’ve been with women before, and when you’re fucking a woman, it’s always assumed that you’ll be the “top” because of…well, simple physics, I guess.
In most straight relationships that don’t involve dildo play, you enter the woman, she’s the recipient of the penetration, and that’s it.
But it’s deeper than just sex: you’re also expected to take on the leading role, the aggressive role, you’re supposed to be in charge of everything. You know, you’re the “man,” for lack of a better word.
But when you’re dating other guys, everything is up in the air. The roles are murky and hard to figure out. If you’re a bottom, for example, and the other guy is, too, you are incompatible. I hate to make it sound that simple, but it is. You’ll fumble around trying to make it work for a few weeks, and then you will break up.
In fact, Marcus just tried to date another bottom, and after a month of them trying to make do with a double-sided dildo, they gave up and parted ways. Sometimes it doesn’t matter, but sometimes it does, and that’s just the truth.
And emotionally, too – it can be harder to figure out who wants to take on the dominant role, who will pay for which dinner, who will open the door for whom. And I know these are tied into archaic gender roles that need to be demolished in the first place, but that doesn’t mean we still don’t have to navigate the vestiges of those roles as they exist in today’s world.
It would be easier if everyone walked around with signs on their heads saying VERS TOP or STRICT BOTTOM, but most of the time it’s harder to figure out. Also, someone is very rarely just one thing, entirely, because it’s a sliding scale.
The straight world loves to act like there are two types of gay guys: traditionally “masculine,” “manly” tops, and then bottoms who flit around in heels and skirts. Although those two types of guys certainly exist, and that’s great, it’s much more complicated than usually assumed.
Here are some of the basic roles:
Total top: someone who only ever tops, and rarely (if ever) lets a guy touch his hole, and sometimes doesn’t even agree to give blowjobs (note: this is the worst kind of guy; Chandler gladly sucks my dick very often without me even having to ask)
Versatile top: they prefer to top, but bottom occasionally, like on birthdays or special events, or just particularly slutty Pride weekends
Fully vers: they don’t really care whether they’re doing the fucking, or getting fucked (I guess this would be me, if I had to choose – but with a lean toward the “vers top” category)
Vers bottom: they prefer bottoming, but will top when the mood arises
Total bottom: they don’t like topping and aren’t going to start with you so don’t even ask, honey!!!
But that’s only the beginning, my friend. Within this structure, there are many sub-categories, including:
Power top: they’ll fuck the shit out of you, and it’s pretty aggressive (this was probably my favorite whenever I bottomed, before Chandler)
Service top: a more sensitive top who is more attuned to the bottom’s needs (this is probably Chandler, btw)
Power bottom: they’re emotional tops, but physical bottoms – as in, they’ll boss you around while you fuck them
Oral bottom: “I’m a bottom but I really want to suck you, too, and probably won’t want to be sucked in return, because it’s not my thing”
Pig bottom: a bottom who likes to be fucked by many guys at once (aka me during a particularly slutty weekend in college when I rented a hotel room and had a sexy party)
So basically, my point is that…it can all be a mess, and it can be really hard to navigate.
Maybe I should’ve just accepted that Chandler was a top. It could be that he just doesn’t want a dick in his ass – I should’ve considered that.
But also, well…
It could also be bigger than that.
Maybe he doesn’t want to be vulnerable with me in that way. Maybe he doesn’t want to show that side of himself to me. Maybe he doesn’t want me to know what his face would look like as he ceded all control to someone and let them fuck him in the ass.
And suddenly I realize something even scarier than the sex position stuff:
Relationships are all about revealing yourself to your partner, wholly and completely. If he doesn’t want me to see that side of him…then why would that be?
What is Chandler Mendes hiding from me?
6