Prologue
River Browning
“So: are you ready to lose your gay virginity?”
My boyfriend Chandler blushes at my question and looks away as he kneels between my legs. “Stop, River. I like you, even if I’ve never been with a guy before. But I thought we agreed to take the whole gender thing out of it. Because of…you know, the weird way this happened, or whatever?”
“You mean the fact that you identified as straight until three weeks ago, and are now about to fuck my ass?” I smirk at him. “I’d say that’s fair.”
Chandler runs his hand over my cock, which makes my whole body shiver. “Well. Come to think of it, you do have a point. It is a little weird. I mean, love is love, and none of it matters anyway, and all that, and we shouldn’t make a big deal out of this just because you’re the first guy I’ve ever been attracted to. But…”
“Yes?”
“Well, I am still looking down at a dick right now instead of a vagina for the first time in my life, and the reality is slightly more jarring than I thought it would be. Just had to point that out…”
I wrap my hands around his lower back. “Jarring in a good way, or bad?”
Desire shades his eyes. “Jarring in a way that tells me I’m about to keep you up until dawn. Now let me do my thing, River.”
“Okay, but one more thing. Please never say the word ‘vagina’ in my bed again.”
“Fine. Deal. You ready?”
“I was born ready for you.”
Chandler starts lubing up, and I close my eyes and try to breathe.
I can’t believe this is happening, but in the same breath I would not take back the past few weeks of my life for anything.
When I secretly fell for Chandler, the new guy at work, I assumed we didn’t have a chance in hell. He was straight, in every way that a person could be straight, and I am gayer than the front row of a Dolly Parton concert – so I kept my distance, and assumed he’d remain some secret little obsession I’d have to nurse from the silence of my desk.
I was never one of those gays who fetishized straight men, either. It’s usually a mess, anyway – they fuck you, they get scared of being outed or having to change their life for you, and then they ghost you and you never see them or hear from them again.
But Chandler was different. Soon, something extraordinary happened: he decided he liked me, too. Regardless of my gender, and regardless of the assumptions he’d held about sexuality and gender and the rules of society. I liked him, and he liked me back, and so we got together – it really was that simple.
Well, don’t get me wrong: the process of it all was complicated and messy and weird, but at the same time, loving him was the simplest thing I’ve ever let myself do. Because when we are together, it’s like we are the only two people in the world. And somehow, nothing else matters.
Even if he had never even touched another man before me…
But we are about to fix that.
Chandler wraps his fingers in mine. “River,” he whispers. “You remember the plan we made? Teach me. If I do anything wrong, tell me.”
“I will,” I murmur. “But judging by our foreplay, I think we’ll be just fine.”
He looks down at me, then closes his eyes.
“What? Cold feet?” I ask as the anticipation increases.
“No. I was just taking a mental screen-shot of you. I want to remember every bit of this. I want to file away every look on your face, and every sound you make.”
“Why?”
“So I can remember this moment forever, duh. And also so I can have jack-off material in my head if I ever end up horny alone in bed one night.”
“That will never happen. I’m here now. Also, please stop talking and fuck my ass.”
Finally Chandler presses into me, and I wince.
“What is it?” he asks. “Are you in pain?”
“No! Well, maybe a little. But…good pain. You’re just so fucking big. Hey, you know I’m versatile, right? After this, can I fuck you?”
He goes tense. “Hey there, buster. Calm down. I was fully hetero until a few weeks ago. One step at a time, okay?”
I smile, but mentally I am filing this away to think about later. The truth is, he still doesn’t understand these things, but I was a top before I met him. Well, I still am, actually, and right now I am compromising by bottoming for him. But I decide to let it go…
And it’s not hard, because even though I’m not a bottom, he feels fucking good. He’s what I call “big enough;” nice length and girth but not so massive that it feels like you’re getting fucked by a totem pole.
Inch by inch, Chandler sinks into me. Every tiny movement sends shock waves through my body; every time he scrunches up his face and whines, I get a little glimpse of heaven.
Once he’s down to the balls, I exhale and say something into his ear.
“So, your dick’s inside a guy. How’s it feel?”
He just grunts.
“What?
“I’m just…I’m so glad this is happening with you, and not anyone else. And I just want you to know…I trust you.”
“I trust you, too. Now fuck me hard, Chandler.”
So that’s what he does. He lifts my waist, leans into me, and fucks me. And in my mind, deep down where things really count, it feels like the beginning of everything.
And it is.
It is also the end of my time as a top.
And soon, everything explodes.
11 Months Later
1
River Browning
“I’ve just gotta say it – after all this time, sitting on this dick is still a fucking privilege.”
My boyfriend of eleven months kisses my shoulder and smiles into my eyes.
“Your asshole? A privilege, too. Now let me work this thing.”
He’s still in the gym clothes he was wearing when he walked in – backwards hat, basketball shorts, old tee. All I did was throw him in bed, take out his cock, and get to work. But I don’t care – I would fuck him if he was wearing a damn nun’s habit. I just want to fuck him.
I breathe and get used to his girth inside me, which I still struggle with sometimes. Have you ever been with someone where literally every sex session gets hotter and better? It makes no sense, but this is what happened with my boyfriend.
It’s like every time, the connection gets stronger and more intense. To quote one of my favorite John Green books, we’re on a sexual rollercoaster that only goes up. Every time I sit on his dick, it feels warmer and bigger inside me. Every time I cum in doggie, the orgasm rips through me with more force.
And yes, I’m serious. And yes, I also know it sounds obnoxious as hell. I guess I should just apologize for that now. I know we seem like “that couple,” the one that makes out at a dinner party and makes everyone squirm and look away, but I can’t help it.
I never knew how much sex you could have when you find someone you just…well, enjoy having sex with. That sounds overly simplified, but do you know what I mean? We like it so much, it just kind of became a hobby, I guess?
Anyway. Chandler reaches up, takes my jaw, and looks into my eyes. He thrusts into me, and my whole body sort of does a jolt.