If a white lie makes people feel good even if it’s not really helpful, then what I just told Lauren has to be black lie. I didn’t do it to hurt her but it is ultimately for her own good. I told Lauren what she needed to hear. Now at 28, I’ve told my first black lie. A lie that did the exact opposite of making her feel good. When Lauren asked me if I remembered anything, it felt like time froze. It wouldn’t be good for her—for us—if I told her that I had started to remember things about my life as Cal. I don’t even know if they are real memories.
Do I remember anything? I wish she would have asked me this the last time I saw her, then I wouldn’t have had to lie, but of course she asks me today.
Technically, I don’t know if I’m remembering anything. It could just be an overactive imagination. Extremely vivid dreams that don’t feel like any other dream I’ve ever had. The only way to actually confirm they’re not dreams is to ask her, and I will not do that.
At least not now. I don’t want to make this whole situation any more confusing than it already is. That would just give her false hope. I thought I may have seen that hope in her eyes earlier and that would be dangerous. Her hope is for them, which is hope for Cal, and I can’t give her that. Like a person who holds on to someone on a ventilator long after the doctors have said they’re gone.
Cal. Cal is a selfish prick. I have never remembered anything over the past six years. Not one single thing and now, now I'm starting to.
It’s him. I know it is. He’s sharing, and if he’s decided to do so, I can be sure it’s not for my benefit. It’s for his. He wants me to tell Lauren I’m remembering. He wants her to not give up on them. I won’t hold her hostage to this guy, a memory, a hope for a future that doesn’t exist.
I want to be her friend. I want a relationship that’s uncomplicated and amicable... for our daughter. I think back to my conversation with Dexter this morning.
“Just go back to his life, Chris. Cal won’t like it if you marry Jenna. Just leave all you worked for behind and do what makes Cal happy, Chris.”
I never thought Dexter would be anyone’s spokesperson. I know there has to be something in this for him and that’s what scares me. Dexter doesn’t bother with anything unless it’s in his own best interest. And usually, what’s in a Crestfield’s best interest is in direct opposition to mine.
What was with all the riddles? It being Dexter’s suggestion and not Cal’s to try out his life. What does that even mean? Cal wouldn’t like it if I wanted Lauren, if I moved back to Chicago? If that’s the case he’s even more self-absorbed and selfish than I thought. I’ve already stepped into the role he left empty, the one good thing he ever did.
I haven’t had as much fun as I've had today in a long time. What with everything going on I hadn’t been to the zoo in years and until lunch, everything was going great. The heaviness of the situation was gone for just a little while. We were normal, like everyone else. Two parents with their little girl, no extra drama or baggage. Before this conversation with Lauren, we had a clean slate. Nothing but honesty and cooperation between us.
Now there’s a lie, a lie that changed things between us, one that made us opponents instead teammates. I know it’s just my own paranoia. I’m just not used to lying to people. How the hell do people do it so easily? I’ve only said one sentence and I feel so guilty. The worst part is she doesn’t think I’m lying. I’d feel better if there was a hint of skepticism or distrust, but she believes me. She took everything I said as the truth and that’s eating me up.
She’s different now. Something in her expression changed right after I told her. Something left her. It could be the very thing I wanted to see gone... her hope. The energy that poured out of me the day I talked to her in her hotel room is trickling back in. We haven’t said a word to each other since we left the picnic table. She won’t even look at me now. Before, I’d catch her stealing a glance at me every now and then, but not anymore. I don’t know why it almost hurts that she won’t.
You killed her hope, dumbass! She’s in mourning, you fucking idiot!
Those words slam into my brain. A thought so clear it could have spoken aloud to me.
“Are you okay, Chris?” Lauren asks. I notice I’ve stopped in my tracks. She’s more than a few steps ahead of me, turned around, her eyes narrowed in on mine.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I say and catch up with her. Second lie. I’m far from fine. I’m losing it because even though my thoughts should be mine, I’m starting to think the one I just had wasn’t. My phone starts to go off. It’s the text ring tone Jenna set for herself and my heartbeat doubles. I see it’s only a one word message.
Hey.
But it’s enough to make the feeling I just had dissipate. I quickly type I miss you and stuff my phone back into my pocket. Lauren takes Caylen out of her stroller. The text alert goes off again and I pull out my phone.
It’s just a smiley face but it makes me grin. I look up and see Lauren has finished putting Caylen in her seat. She walks around the car and her big hazel eyes look directly into mine. I can see the tears in her eyes and I start to ask her what’s wrong but something stops me. I load the stroller into the trunk. When I close the trunk, I see that Lauren has gotten into the back seat. I let out a deep breath. I don’t know what just happened, but whatever it was, it’s affected her worse than the lie I told her. I get into the driver’s seat and she hands me the car keys, her eyes on her lap.
“Is everything okay?” I ask, looking at her in the rearview mirror.
She nods. “Caylen might wake up. I’ll sit back here in case she does,” she says quietly. Her eyes don’t look up once.
“Okay,” I say and start the car.
Not okay! You’re a fucking idiot.
This time, I know it’s not just a thought. My text alert goes off again. I glance back at Lauren whose eyes are closed, her head resting against the window. It’s Jenna’s ringtone. Is that what’s bothering her? It’s a snippet of Jenna’s favorite song…a love song. I put my phone on vibrate and let out a deep breath. This is going to be a long day.
Chapter 29
Lauren
I knew it was her. Before I even heard the lovey dovey ringtone. I could tell by the look on his face. How whatever was bothering him melted away the moment he heard from her. It wouldn’t have been that bad if he didn’t look so happy. If he didn’t have that smile I used to see when Cal looked at me. I haven’t seen that smile in years and he gives it to her over a stupid text message. She can’t even see it. I’m not mad. Really, I’m not. I’m not even irritated.
How could he so blatantly flaunt that he loves her in front of me? I told him I’d try to deal with this but stuff like that is not a part of the agreement. Ugh! I know I’m being completely ridiculous but I can’t help it. I don’t even want to be near him right now. That’s how I ended up in the back seat of my own car. I didn’t feel like such an idiot until Chris looked at me like I was some weirdo. But I don’t care, it’s better this way. If he were Cal, I’d have already hit him.