I thought I’d outgrown this. I feel like the past two years haven’t happened and my emotions have taken control from my common sense again. This is too much. This is all going to be too much. I see it now. I’m supposed to spend the entire day with him and his family. What if she shows up? I didn’t even think to ask him about her. What if she comes to dinner? I won’t be able to do it. I won’t be able to handle him brushing up against her, her running her hands through his hair. It makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. What the hell was I thinking?
I hear Caylen yawn and move around in her car seat. I’m reminded why I’m here and why I have to do this. Why I can’t throw temper tantrums and fold my arms and pout. I take her little hand in mine and sigh. I catch Chris watching me from the rearview mirror. He quickly looks away when he sees he’s been caught. Maybe he wasn’t looking at me. He does need to look in the mirror to drive, but since there are virtually no cars on this road, I guess it’s safe to assume he was looking at me.
He doesn’t know me. I’ve come to that realization. I’m just some woman who he happens to have a kid by. Nothing else. He doesn’t remember a single thing about me. He doesn’t feel anything towards me. While we were at the zoo, for a while, I stopped thinking about the situation we’re in. It was just us, being. It was nice. He’s nice, he’s funny and fun to be around. I could imagine things being easy with him. Jenna got easy. I got complicated, arrogant, selfish and secretive. It’s not hard to be with someone that’s easy. They probably never fight or argue. Chris doesn’t seem like the type. It’s not hard to love someone like that. He didn’t disappear on her for days at a time; he didn’t use sex to screw with her head. She didn’t have to deal with mood swings, condescending attitudes, or go through an entire pregnancy alone.
But she still gets the smile.
She gets the easy part. Things will never be easy with me and Chris. Our—well, my history with Cal will never let us have what they have.
I sigh and try to focus on anything but the situation at hand. I start to pay attention to how he drives, using his turn signal when switching lanes even when no one is behind us, and staying within the speed limit. When we get to the point of him having Caylen without me, at least I won’t have to worry about his driving. My stomach tightens. Eventually it will be Chris and Caylen. No, not Chris and Caylen. That’s wrong. It will be Chris, Jenna, and Caylen.
No Cal.
No me.
We finally pull in front of the Scott’s and he turns the car off.
“I think I might skip dinner.” The words escape my mouth before my brain can filter them. I look over at Chris and expect him to look relieved, but he doesn’t. I think he looks disappointed, but that can’t be. Why would he want to be around a woman who’s a problem? He’s seen Caylen. They’ve had a nice time. You’d think he’d be glad that I want to go.
“I’m just really tired,” I explain. Well not tired. More like emotionally exhausted. It’s a lot harder than I thought it’d be, pretending to be indifferent and not in love with a person sitting a few inches from you and even harder when you see firsthand that they love someone else. He pauses a minute, then turns back towards me, his arm resting on the passenger side headrest.
“You’ll have to be the one to tell my mom you’re cutting the visit short with the granddaughter she’s been anxiously waiting for since we left,” he says with a tilt of his head and a smile that makes me not want to be in the back seat anymore. Well it does, but under entirely different circumstances. I swallow the lump in my throat and shake away the thoughts starting to surface in my mind.
“I’m sure she’ll understand, right?” I haven’t known this woman long but I think I already know the answer to that. He displays a mischievous grin, takes out his phone and hands it to me.
“Hey honey,” her voice says through the phone.
“Hi Mrs. Scott. It’s Lauren.” I glance over at Chris, who’s grinning like a Cheshire cat.
“Oh, Lauren, is everything okay?” she asks, her tone going from cheerful to worried
“Yes, Chris is right here. We’re outside actually,” I confirm.
“Oh great! Will finished the dollhouse and I’ve started dinner. Do you like Lasagna? If not, I can throw on something else,” she says excitedly.
“I was actually going to, I-I…” And I chicken out.
“Lasagna’s my favorite.” I sigh and swat Chris’ arm as he laughs at me. Chris gestures for me to give him the phone. He takes it and, just like that, my tension is gone.
“Mom, could you come and get Caylen?” he asks, and I guess she obliges because she comes out quickly. I notice her expression when she sees me sitting in the back seat but she recovers quickly and greets us.
“You tired the little angel out?” She laughs.
“We had a ton of fun,” Chris says as he gets out of the car. I do the same.
“This is a beautiful car.”
“Thanks,” I say, wrapping my arms around myself as I walk behind them.
“We’re going to head this way,” Chris says, gesturing toward the back of the house. I look back at Mrs. Scott holding Caylen. She gives me an assuring nod. I let out a deep breath and change directions. I see he’s headed to the yard where I saw the horses through the kitchen window earlier. I wonder if his mom said something to him. When we reach the gate, he stops and leans on it. I do the same. The horses are beautiful. One’s a toffee color with a white stripe down its back and the other a beautiful chocolate.
“That’s Butterfinger and Reese’s Pieces,” he says, gesturing to each. I look at him to see if he’s joking and he laughs.
“Seriously?” I ask.
“My parents let me name them and when I was a kid, I was obsessed with candy.” He takes something out of his pocket. He extends his hand to me and reveals two bite sized bags of M&M’s. I laugh.
“When you were a kid, huh?” I say after popping a few in my mouth. He grins at me before pouring the whole bag in his own.
“I used to ride,” I say, leaning more of my weight on the gate. He turns around and leans his back on the gate so he’s facing me.
“Really?” he asks in a disbelieving tone.
“Yeah,” I say, finishing my candy. “Is that so hard to believe?” I ask him jokingly, and he shrugs.
“No, not at all,” he says, covering up his surprise. I frown at him.
“Hey, I look about as shocked as you did when I told you I play the guitar.”
It’s just surprising Cal had a skill that could easily get him laid and didn't use it to his advantage, I want to tell him that but it may be a little inappropriate at the moment.
There’s a breeze but the sun is warm. I close my eyes and enjoy this small moment where I don’t feel suffocated by anxiety. At this second things are just easy.
“Do you want to go for a ride?” he asks.
My eyes snap open. “Now?” I ask a little surprised.
“Yeah. That is, if you really know how,” he says teasingly.
“That sounds a little like a dare.” I fold my arms across my chest and he shrugs a little.