“What’s up Dex?” I ask groggily.
“We have a problem,” he says solemnly. His tone causes me to sit up in the bed.
“What type of problem?” I ask him anxiously.
“Helen’s talked to her team. The medication hasn’t been recommended for further trial…” I heard what he just said, but he can’t have just said what I think he’s just said.
“Can you run that by me again?” I ask, hoping that I heard him wrong, that I’m still asleep and my brain isn’t functioning right.
“I’m sorry Cal,” he says quietly. He’s sorry? No, no fucking way.
“I don’t give a shit what the eggheads are saying. Have Helen bring me the rest of what she has,” I say simply.
“Cal she can’t. The medication has shown dangerous side effects. They are going to do further testing but as of now, it’s all being decimated.”
“You’re kidding me. You’re fucking kidding me!” I yell. Fuck controlling my temper or trying not to be mad. This, this can’t--they can’t just stop it.
“It’s been working Dex. Other than the damn hot flashes, it’s working. You know it is,” I say, feeling myself start to panic.
“Helen can tell you the medical specifics but if you have any more, flush it. You have to stop taking it.”
“Bullshit!” I yell into the phone. I want to throw it into the wall.
“I know you’re mad Cal,”
“Mad? I’m fucking furious! I can’t stop taking it. What the hell am I going to do? You told me you were sure before I did this. This changes everything!”
Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me!
“I’m not going to stop!”
“Cal this is Helen. Listen to me, everything is going to be okay. I promise you, we’ll make this work,” she says, trying to calm me down. I’m so mad there tears in my eyes.
“I-am-not-going-to-stop!”
“If you don’t you’re dead Cal. You understand, this could kill you,” Dexter says as if he’s talking to a fucking kid.
“I might as well be Dex! How the fuck am I supposed to explain this?”
“Lauren loves you. She will understand. We just tell her the truth,” Helen says. The truth. Yeah the truth, after we’re already married. Tell her she’s trapped in a marriage with two different people? I won’t do that to her. I can’t. There has to be another way.
“I won’t. I can’t take her through that shit,”
“Let me see what I can do Cal. Let me figure things out,” Helen interjects.
“Well, figure it out fast,” I say and hang up the phone. My throat is burning, there’s a stinging in my chest. I want the feeling gone now, fast. I throw my phone down and next thing I know I’ve punched through the fucking wall. It hurts but it distracts me from what’s wrong… What is about to go terribly wrong.
Shit, I’m bleeding. I barge through my door and I see her there. Her eyes wide, completely still. I’m going to lose her. This is going to be the end of us.
“Cal, what’s wrong? You look upset,” her voice is wavering and she’s squeezing her wrist. She only does that when something’s wrong
“Um…” What do I tell her? I have to tell her something. I run my hands over my face.
She rushes up the stairs to me and takes my wrist in her hand looking at my swollen knuckles.
“Cal, what did you do?!” she asks frantically, leading me to the guest bathroom where she starts running water over it.
“Don’t be mad, but I punched a hole in our wall,” I say trying to downplay that I just busted one of our fucking walls like a psycho.
Her head snaps up towards me.
“Why did you do that?!” she asks, grabbing our first-aid kit and pulling out the antibiotic wipes.
“Dex really pissed me off,” I say, sitting on the edge of the bathtub while she cleans my hand.
She nods as if she understands.
“I kind of heard you talking to him,” she admits looking up at me guiltily. What the hell did she hear? I can’t even say anything.
“Did it have something to do with me?” she asks, sitting on my lap. I wrap my arms around her and rest my chin on her shoulder, and she starts to rub my hair. I don’t deserve her. That’s why I’m going to lose her. Fate was drunk off its ass when it let me have her and now it realized it fucked up.
“I’m-I’m going to be gone a little more than I thought I was,” I can’t even look at her as I say it. She lets out a breath she was holding in. She’s relieved. If only she knew. She smiles widely at me and I wish I could feel the relief she’s feeling right now but I’m suffocating, like walls are closing in on me.
“That’s okay. I mean, it’s not okay but it's nothing to go punching holes in the wall over,” she teases. “I’m a big girl,” she adds quietly.
I try to smile but I can’t.
“I’m not feeling too good, babe. Would it be really fucked up if we didn’t go out tonight?” I try to see how bad this sucks for her but she’s good at hiding it and gives me a pageant girl smile
“No, babe. If you’re not feeling well it’s nothing we can’t do another day.”
“Are you sure? Because we can if you still want to do something, I can just lie down,” I cup her face in my hand and look into her eyes. If she’s really disappointed she’s doing a hell of a job at hiding it.
“No, get some rest. It’s your first day back home and you’re probably jet-lagged. It’s fine,” she says, before giving me a soft kiss on the lips.
“I’m going to make it up to you,” I promise her.
“And you don’t have to sit here with me. You should call your girls and go out,” I try to sound excited for her, she should go out. I’ll have to get used to not having her. I walk into the bedroom and lie across the bed.
“I’m not going to spend our anniversary out with them. As long as I’m with you, that’s what’s important,” she says, lying next to me.
I wrap one of my arms around her and hold her close.
“You know that I love you, right?” I try to sound upbeat but I just can’t muster it.
“Of course I do,” she says, looking back at me curiously.
“No, seriously.” I turn her body around towards me, so she’s facing me completely.
“No matter what. Whatever happens—if anything were to happen—nothing, under any circumstances,” I take her hand and place it on my chest and hold it there, “will ever take you from here. Even if it doesn’t seem like it, always know how much I love you. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you, and even if I screw it up...”
She cups my face in her hand
“Cal, you’re scaring me. Is everything okay?” she asks, sitting up and staring at me. No it isn’t but I won’t think about that now. She’s here and I have her.
“Yeah, just trying to get laid,” I say, trying to kill the terrible vibe in the room. She continues searching my face.
“You can tell me anything. Nothing would change the way I feel about you. You’ll always be my Cal.” I wish what she says was true but my situation is the outlier to any situation she can imagine.