“I-I have to leave.” The words are bitter as they come up from my throat.
“Her expression hardens, and she pulls her hand away. “You called me back for this?” She’s sighs, obviously frustrated and annoyed and stands up. I take her hand and pull her back down.
“Look, this is different,” I tell her.
“Everything is different with you, Cal. If you weren’t so different, maybe I wouldn’t feel so screwed up right now,” she snaps at me. She’s pissed and I deserve it, because she’s right. If I wasn’t different we wouldn’t be here right now. I wouldn’t have to do this if I wasn’t different. She could be happy. I could make her happy but things aren’t different, they’re the same and I have to let her go.
“I don’t know if I’ll be back.”
“What?” She looks confused. “Would you mind repeating yourself?” she says sharply.
“I’m going to make sure that you’re taken of. I put sixty thousand in your personal account…”
“What? You don’t know if you’ll be back?” She’s frantic and I try to stay still, calm. “Why does it sound like you’re saying that you’re leaving me?”
“I have to,” I tell her, trying remain indifferent…cold, but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
“Is this about me, how I’ve been acting? Is this some kind of revenge thing?” she asks, her voice starting to waver.
“This has nothing to do with you,” I force the words out.
“Exactly, Cal! Look what you’re saying—I’m your wife—and your decision to leave has nothing to do with me?”
“I don’t have a choice.”
“What are you talking about? Cal! Talk to me, please,” she says frantically. “Look at me!” she pleads.
I can’t look at her.
“What is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?” Tears are starting to fill her eyes and I feel like I’m being punched in the chest.
“Tell me what the hell is going on! Tell me what’s going on with you for once!” she begs, and I just want her to stop crying, to stop pleading. I want her to yell at me and hit me and punch me not this.
“I can’t!” I yell at her.
“This isn’t about me,” I say, walking away from her. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.
“Then who is it about?”
I can’t answer her.
“You won’t tell me that either, huh?” she says quietly.
“What am I supposed to say, Cal? What?” she yells. “Am I just supposed to accept you leaving? No explanations except ‘you have to.’ Not that I’ve ever gotten one from you. This won’t be any different except who knows when you’ll come back? If you come back.”
“My stock dividends from the company will still be deposited into the account…” I try to focus on what I’m supposed to tell her and nothing else.
“I don’t care about the fucking money! I never cared about any of this—the trips, this house— I never needed this! All I wanted…” she’s screaming now. “All I wanted was you, can’t you see that?” I close my eyes to stop what feels like tears about to start. I can’t cry in front of her.
“Say something,” she whispers.
“Is there someone else?” she asks.
“I told you I’ve never cheated on you,” I say, using anger as my weapon.
“Then why? People just don’t decide to leave out of nowhere. There has to be a reason, tell me you’re in love with someone else; that this isn’t working; that you’re in trouble; just tell me something!”
“There’s nothing I can tell you,” I say quickly.
“What am I supposed to do?” she asks, her voice so light it’s like it’ll shatter.
“Helen and Dex will take care of anything you need…”
“Helen and Dexter? They know about this? How long have you known that you were leaving me? Have you gotten bored with me, or is this just a spur of the moment thing?”
She can’t think that. She has to know that’s not what this is.
“It’s not like that,” I tell her, walking towards her.
She steps away from me. She won’t let me touch her. “Then what? Tell me what it’s like. Tell me something. Tell me why!” she begs.
“I can’t believe you’re doing this to me!” she screams and I don’t know how much longer I can do this. She walks over to the bed and covers her head with her arms. She’s crying so much that she’s shaking. This wasn’t supposed to happen like this. She's breaking right in front of me. I’m breaking her down, and it wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I reach out to her and she snatches away from me, but I grab her and pull her close.
“Why? Why are you doing this to me?” she whimpers.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her, holding back my own tears.
“No, you aren’t,” she cries.
“Yes, I am,” I whisper in her ear.
Then she wraps her arms around me and she looks up at me. “Don’t make me ask you to stay.” She begins to cry harder. I look away from her.
“I wish I could,” I tell her. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m confusing her. I’m confusing myself. I can’t stay. This will hurt her but she’ll come back from this.
“Don’t! Don’t you dare make this seem as if it's out of your control. If you wanted to stay, you would!”
I put my hands on her waist and bring my lips to hers. I don’t kiss her and she doesn’t kiss me back and I can’t blame her. I kiss her cheek then rest my cheek against hers.
“You’ll get through this, you’ll have to.” I tell her, this isn’t how things were supposed to go. I don’t know how they were supposed to go now.
“If you’re leaving, go!” She pushes me. “Leave.” I hate you! I hate you, you fucking bastard!” She hits me, and pushes me and screams and cries. I stand there and take it, take it all. I deserve it. When she’s done she rests her head briefly on my chest then takes a deep breath.
“Just go,” she whispers as she sits on the floor, tucking her head in between her knees. I want to tell her that I love her, that it’s fucking killing me to leave her, but that would only make things worse. I start to walk towards her but I know me touching her, isn’t what she needs right now. I leave the room and shut the door behind me and let go completely. I hit the wall, I kick it until I can’t anymore.
I hate myself. I sit next to the door and cry. I cry for her. I cry for myself for the first time in my life.
I’m losing the best thing I ever had.
Chapter 16
Lauren
“I knew I loved Gwen the first time she made me smothered pork chops and mashed potatoes,” Mr. Scott laughs, holding Caylen as Mrs. Scott starts sets the table for dinner.
“He fell in love with my cooking, Lauren,” she says happily.
“Her looks had a little something to do with it too,” he chuckles. I laugh, taking a sip of ice tea. Gosh, this guy is so different to how he’s been over the past couple of weeks. He’s actually funny, dare I say charming, and not a total prick. He’s been telling stories and jokes for the past hour while Mrs. Scott cooked. I actually didn’t notice Chris had been gone as long as he had until I got a text from Lisa saying to call her ASAP.