For about an hour last night, I tried to think of Cal as me but it’s too strange, it's easier thinking of him as someone else entirely, but Caylen voids that argument. And aside from all of that, as if I wasn’t anxious enough already, today is the day I meet the third woman in all of this. My daughter.
She’s only a year old. Hopefully, I can make up for not being there for her birth, first word, and first steps. I don’t have a clue about where to even start being a father. Yesterday, I went with my mom to pick out a present for her. She literally bought the whole aisle of toys, but out of everything, the one thing that stood out was this singing stuffed penguin. One of my friends talked me into going with him and his kids to see The Penguins of Madagascar, and they loved it. I loved it too, to be honest. At least I know we can watch cartoons together. I look at myself in the mirror, wearing a white button up shirt, and khaki pants, the third set of clothes I’ve tried on today. Now I look like I’m getting dressed for a job interview.
“Knock, knock,” my mom says, entering the room with a smile on her face, the widest I’ve seen in a long time. She’s so excited about meeting Caylen. It’s all she’s talked about. I had suggested to Lauren that maybe I could drive there to meet her, but she said she didn’t mind coming here. My mom would have been so disappointed if she had to wait another day to see her. After everything calmed down, she gushed over her picture.
“What are you doing Chris?” she says, a hint of amusement in her tone, when she sees the three outfits I’ve tried on.
I sigh. “Trying to look like a dad,” I admit with a laugh. I’m failing miserably.
“Honey, there isn’t a certain thing to wear to look like a dad. I’m sure a one-year-old isn’t going to grade you on your outfit.” She picks up the blue T-shirt and jeans that I was going to put on earlier. “This is you,” she says, handing it to me. “Be yourself. She’s going to love you. I’m sure of it.” She says it in a way that makes me believe her. She picks up the tie I was about to put on, and giggles as my dad walks in.
“Am I interrupting?” he asks, putting his arm around my mom’s waist.
“Just me being nosy,” she laughs, resting her head on his shoulder. They’ve been married over 30 years, and it’s like they just met.
“Can you give me a minute with Chris?” he asks.
“Sure,” she says before pecking him on the lips and leaving the room. I take off the white button up and pull on my T-shirt. My dad and I haven’t said much to each other since he picked me up from Lisa’s. He was disappointed in me, and I felt the same way toward him.
“Are you doing okay?” he asks as he sits down at my desk.
“Yeah, I’m still here, so it’s a good day,” I say nonchalantly. Both my parents hid the truth from me, but my dad, I hold him more responsible. I know my mom wanted to tell me, but she didn’t because of him.
“I know that you’re still upset with me, and I understand why. I just…now especially, I don’t want you to feel like you’re alone in this. I know you don’t agree with my judgment, and the decision I made, but I hope that you still feel like you can talk to me. The worst thing you can do is hold this all in.”
I look at my dad, who has always been my hero, a fair man whose opinion I valued and respected. People used to always joke that my family was the modern day version of the Cleavers, and it wasn’t far from the truth. My relationship with my parents was always great. I’m privileged that out of all the homes I could have ended up in when I was adopted, I was truly blessed to end up in theirs.
“I know you did what you did because you thought you were protecting me. I don’t like it, but I guess I understand it,” I shrug. He looks surprised, then a smile spreads across his face. He grabs a Snickers off my desk. I’m addicted to them. I used to buy whole boxes from kids during those school fundraisers.
“I didn’t expect you to come around so easily,” he says happily. He grabs another Snickers, and tosses me one.
“I probably wouldn't have if it wasn’t for Lauren,” I admit, opening up the candy bar. I see his lips press together. “I figured if she could understand and overlook what you did, I could too.” I take a bite of my candy bar.
“Your mom told me things went well when you went to see her,” he says after taking a bite from his.
“Well, I wouldn’t say we’re best friends or anything, but I guess we’re both trying to make the best out of the situation we’re in,” I fumble with the candy bar in my hands. I think back on the conversation I had with Lauren. She was pretty considerate, sitting there, letting me vent while she had to feel torn up inside. I sigh, reflecting on it all.
“The way she looked at me, Dad,” I hesitate, trying to forget the way her eyes grabbed mine and practically begged them to not look away. “She looked at me the way Mom looks at you sometimes.” My Dad shifts in his seat uncomfortably.
“And the way she talked about him, Cal,” I sigh, thinking back to how her eyes lit up when she shared things I’m guessing made her fall in love with him. I try to think when, if ever, Jenna looked at me like that.
“You need to be careful with her, Chris,” he states, quickly snapping me from my own thoughts.
“What do you mean?” I sigh. Since the whole secret reveal, I really haven’t wanted to hear his advice on things, but today needs to be a good day. It’d be nice if we could reflect the happy, normal family we once were before all this started.
“I mean that things are very complicated, and I think it would probably be best if they stayed as simple as possible,” he replies. He looks me squarely in the eye, with the same look he used to give me when I was a kid before taking me to a store and telling me I could only pick one thing and no more than that.
“Lauren’s just found out about you. It’s going to take more than a few days for her to really grasp the truth that you’re not the man she knows and—”
I put my hand up to stop him. “Dad, we have an understanding. I’m sure it’s hard for her, but right now her concern is with her daughter. Everything else is pretty irrelevant now,” I say, standing up.
He presses his lips together and his brow furrows. He’s frustrated. I can tell there’s more he wants to say, but he turns his attention to the picture of Caylen on my desk.
“Your mother is beyond excited about her. She’s all she talks about,” he says.
After a moment, he rests his head in one hand, and we both look at the newest generation of the Scott family. In the last two days, this is the first time in this house that the anger and tension has disappeared.
“Who’d a thought, me…a grandpa?” He smiles widely, and in that moment, he’s not the man with the stern, hard demeanor who I’ve gotten used to, but is back to being my dad. He’s the man who coached my little league, who was everyone’s favorite neighbor, and who was my best friend. This is the man I want Caylen, my daughter, to meet, even though the man who made her is the one who drove him away.
“She’s been out there a while. Maybe I should go ask her to come in?” my mother says as she looks through the window for the tenth time since Lauren has pulled up.