“You know I can’t, Mina.” He buried his face into my shoulder as he stood there, holding me easily as I struggled in his arms. “Please, forgive me! I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for you to see that… she was nothing to me…”
“I don’t care!” I sobbed, as he forced my forehead against his chest, my skin pressed into those damn dog-tags I’d given him for Christmas a few years ago. “I don’t care who you fuck, Shay!” I shouted. “But now I see it. You are all dirty, disgusting assholes! No wonder you go off the deep end! But don’t you do that crap and then come to me, saying that I need to make it better again, that you need me, and then put me through hell with your crazy tantrums! You don’t need me; you need a therapist!”
“No, you’re wrong! I do need you, Mina!” He gave me a shake.
“Shay,” James stepped forward. “Ease up, you’re going to hurt her…”
Shay moved away from his dad and carried me over to the couch where he sat down and continued to constrict me with his arms. “Mina, you are the only one for me… that girl meant nothing!”
“Again, Shay, I don’t care about that. I just didn’t want to see it! And I don’t want you using me as some stupid security blanket when you don’t actually need me! Go get what you need from the sweetbutts and stop tormenting me!”
“No, Mina!” He gives me a shake. “Don’t you get it? I do need you! I need you more than anyone! But I can’t have y-”
“Shay!” James thundered behind us, his voice warning. “Don’t!”
“Fuck off!” he shouted back. “I’m not crossing the line!”
“You are fucking close! Back off! Let her go!”
“Only if she agrees to listen to me!”
They both go silent, waiting for my response. I’d agree to almost anything right now if it meant I wasn’t being smothered against Shay’s pecs. I nod and he finally lets me go. I practically jumped out of his lap, staggering back several feet, and glared at him. “What, then? Tell me, Shay… What do you want to say? I’m cold. I’m hungry and tired, and I want to spend the rest of my night alone in my room. So tell me fast because I’m at my limit!”
“Mina, I still need you. I do. That… what you saw… it was a fucking outlet. But the demons in my head... it’s just another way to deal. It’s a part of our life-”
“Really? Drugs?” I narrowed my eyes at my stepfather. “Infidelity?” I shook my head in disgust. “What I saw in there was… it was…”
“You shouldn’t have seen that, Mina,” James said.
God, he really needed to stop talking. “Yeah, because you shouldn’t have been cheating on Mum in the first place! What the hell, James?” I spun back to Shay. “And you,” my voice faltered. What was it exactly that he’d done that had hurt me so bad? Shay wasn’t mine, not in the way James was to Mum. Not even close. He hadn’t been doing any drugs, at least from what I saw. So why was I so hurt by him? I seized fistfuls of my hair and yanked on them, frustrated and confused.
“Mina,” Shay said gently. “I’m sorry.” But I couldn’t speak. Why was his apology more important to me than James’? I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head, but Shay kept going, “I’m sorry that you had to see that, and I’m sorry for all the stress I’ve put you under lately-”
“Stop! Stop it, Shay.” Now that he was apologizing, it was like I couldn’t handle it. It was easier to be angry with him when he was just being a douche. But now…
“Mina, you are all I have that is good. The darkness in my head, it’s killing me. I’m falling into it and I don’t know how to make it stop. All I know is that when you’re with me, I feel better. That dark cloud in my mind goes away. I need to know I still have you. If I don’t… if you don’t… I…” his voice trailed off. Tentatively, I peek at him through my lashes and instantly regret it. His face breaks me. He looks so tortured, haunted… whatever those assholes at the club make him do, it was twisting him up. And goddamn it, I was the only one that kept him from diving completely in the deep end. Now guilt was rising from the pit of my stomach, just like I feared would end up happening.
I want to scream in frustration. I want to hit something. I wanted to run away and never look back. I look to James for help, but he seems to have given up. He was leaning back against the kitchen counter, his eyes on the floor, staring at nothing as he listened to everything his son said.
“Mina, please just… before you go for the night… just tell me that I have you still?” Shay begged me.
I felt sick again. I wanted to tell him to fuck right off. But the look he was giving me was so much like the ones I’d seen on his face when he had feared for me, when he had stepped in and sheltered me from the dangers of the world… the car crash… Dana… Keenan in the woods… when he thought he had lost me a month ago…
I wiped the tears from my eyes and closed them, covering my face with my hands. I concentrated on my breathing… in and out… in and out… and finally, I reluctantly nodded. He exhaled harshly, his breath catching in a choked, strangled sob of relief, and without a word, I sidestepped him and ran down the hall to my room to lock myself in until they left.
Present Day
Mina: Seventeen Years Old
July
As late afternoon descends into the evening on my birthday, people start to drink a little more, and the atmosphere begins to relax. I guess my being here was as nerve-wracking for these men as it was for me. But by now, I’ve finished my first cocktail, and am feeling pretty good about things. Shay and his friends have basically catered to me as the night wore on, and I got to say, it felt pretty good bossing these guys around. Cody brought me more of the potluck dishes to try, Aron changed up the playlist to better suit my taste (old rock, which was a favourite of mine), and Leif started filling me in on the more light-hearted stories that he and the guys have gotten into (like the time they’d all gotten so drunk, they thought the idea of streaking in the middle of winter through the main street of town was a fantastic idea, and Aron had gotten frostbite on his feet. He had ended up getting his pinky toe amputated). Shay, meanwhile, kept his promise and stayed close, even carrying me to the washroom twice before bringing me back to the birthday couch of honor.
I gradually finished my second drink as the guys started another pool game. Shay orders me another drink, which I end up consuming a little faster than the last one, and soon, I find myself lounging against him, feeling more laid back and laughing as the guys screw around with each other. I even forget about being nervous of the crowd, and am instead laughing at Aron as he heckles Cody who, as good as he is at pool, his friend is better, and he’s apparently a sore loser about it.
As I giggle, Shay’s hand is drawing little circles on my stomach with his thumb, but I barely notice. My head feels light, my stress is basically non-existent right now, and I just want to have fun. When Black Betty by Ram Jam starts blasting through the speakers, I whoop as Kate and the other girls get up and move to the open space behind the bar to dance. As much as I want to join them, I’m a little hindered by the block attached to me, so I stay where I am, swaying on Shay’s lap and sing along instead. He smirks at me and shakes his head while pulling me in for a hug.