I hated how perceptive he could be. He was always so aware of me, if I was off in any way. When I was younger, it was great because I could lean on him. But now, I was just afraid of him diving into darkness if I mentioned anything that could possibly set him off. The last thing I was going to do was tell him that my mind was preoccupied with a man whom he loathed, but was one I found myself fantasizing about as of late. “I’m just… tired, I guess.”
“Tired, you guess?” He narrowed his gaze on me. “I call bullshit. Tell me what’s up.”
I sighed and tilt my head back so it was resting on the back of the couch, staring up at the high beamed ceiling. “Shay, what did I do?”
“What?” he snapped, sounding surprised.
“Why are you so hard on me?” Deflection. Another tool of defence against Shay. Thank you for teaching me that one, Key.
“What do you mean? How am I hard on you?” He reached up and held my chin between his thumb and forefinger, but I refused to look down at him.
“For instance… my curfew. I’m not a bad kid. I don’t drink, or smoke or do drugs. I’ve never shoplifted…” I remember telling him about how Becca and Ashley had gotten away with taking a few tops from a favourite outlet of theirs. Shay had been pissed and warned me against doing such things (which now in hindsight, is a bit rich coming from him). “I get good grades and I keep myself busy with dance, and yet, you keep me locked up in here like I’m a prisoner.”
“Do you want to go out?” he said lightly. “I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.”
“I’d like to go out with my friends,” I stipulated.
“I’m your friend, Mina. I’m your best friend, aren’t I?”
I sighed again, weary. Yes, in a way, Shay was my best friend.
“Those other girls are useless idiots. Honestly, you are wasting your time with them. In five years, you won’t even be talking to them anymore.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do.”
I rolled my eyes and let out a long breath. “It’s not just the curfew, I mean…” How could I explain this? “Remember Eli?” I whispered tentatively. I was playing with fire right now, I know, but I wanted to ascertain his reaction to the idea of a guy being around me.
But when I mentioned Eli Jacobson, Shay bristled and angled my head down so that I was looking at him. He was glaring now and his silvery eyes were sparkling with rage. “Has the little fucker come back? Has he come near you again?”
Panic. Panicking now. Oh God, Mina, you are so stupid! “He just walked me home that one time… Jesus Christ!” I tried to get up off the couch, but he wrapped his arms around my waist and held me there. I fought back the resentment that was rising in my belly. Because of Shay, my dating life was non-existent. No one looked my way. Even my friends were starting to scatter to the wind. But if I dared speak up, I worried about Shay losing it. So I was kept in a constant state of upset…
“None of those boys are good enough for you, Mina,” Shay said, his head still in my lap as he kept his arms around me. He buried his face into my stomach, holding me close. “None of them deserve you. You’re my girl. How could you let him hold your hand like that?”
I tried shoving him away, but he kept me there, with his face pressed into the material of my sweater over my belly. I felt my lip tremble as I pushed against him, my breathing coming fast. When he spoke possessively of me like this, I couldn’t breathe. I needed to get away. But he was a solid weight and didn’t budge an inch.
“Mina,” he snapped, “other guys… they’ll hurt you. They’ll use you up and throw you away like you’re garbage! They’ll never love you, or cherish you. They won’t appreciate what you are… how perfect you are. Not like I do.”
This was something he always said to me about other guys. They would hurt me. They would use me. Then they would dump me. But never him. Despite the fact that Shay whored himself out all the time to women, he claimed that only he would ever truly love me. I knew he loved me in his way; that our bond was close. Despite him telling me that we were not siblings, I loved him like an older brother. But as the years were passing, I could feel a shift, one that I was not comfortable with, but I didn’t know how to gain control. Not when I was so afraid of upsetting him.
Shay pressed his mouth over my stomach, but the sweater I wore dulled the touch. His fingers were holding me so tight, it hurt. I lightly touched his wavy hair again, trying to calm him down.
“You can’t let other guys touch you; they have no right. That punk kid was holding your hand and I wanted to fucking kill him. I know what he wanted from you. What he would have taken if he got the chance. I’m glad I kicked the shit out of him. I’d do it again if he gave me half a reason to.” I remain silent, knowing that it was best for Shay to talk himself out. “What if he did something to you? What if he tried to take you away from me? Fuck, Mina… there have been too many close calls…” I knew he was talking about the time my mother had tried to run off with me and crashed her car. And then there was the time Dana had attacked me, and then only two years later, there was the day Keenan had me in his arms in the woods. I never forgot the look on Shay’s face. I didn’t know what it was at the time, but now, as I reflect back, I realize it had been actual fear. I’d never seen that look before on him, and hadn’t since.
“I would die if something happened to you, Sweetness,” he whispered and shuddered when my finger slid over his ear.
“Nothing is going to happen to me, Shay,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm and steady, and closed my eyes to keep the tears from falling. The little warning voice at the back of my head was screaming at me, but there was nothing I could do in this moment to stop what was happening. “…but I need a little breathing space. I need some freedom.”
“No, it’s not safe. It’s not safe out there. Not without me to protect you.”
He’s paranoid… I thought. It was something I picked up about him as he got older. He was always suspicious, always watchful, and always ready for an attack…
“I’m okay, Shay. I’ll be fine. You can’t live thinking that the worst is always going to happen. How can you be happy existing that way?”
“I’m happy when I’m with you,” he said and nuzzled into my belly. “When I’m with you, that’s when I feel at peace.”
“You need to find yourself a woman, Shay,” I sniggered, going for humour to ease the tension. “And not one of those club ho’s. I mean a nice girl who adores you and cooks for you and makes you smile every day.”
His grip on me simply tightened but he didn’t say anything for a few minutes. “Don’t ever leave me, Mina.” he whispered, his voice muffled against my sweater.
I felt like I was going to choke. I kept myself still as I fought to breathe and blinked hard to make my tears go away. That familiar ball of anxiety in my chest was growing again and my nerves were nearly shot. I didn’t like the demanding words he used, or the possessiveness behind them. We’ve been over this. That whole blow-up at breakfast two weeks ago when I had announced I was going away to pursue a career as a ballerina… I never told him I would stay.