He swallows hard. "Do what?"
I motion between our bodies. "Us."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm trying so hard to be normal, but I'm failing. Epically failing."
"How? I see you as normal."
I snort. "I have zero control over my body. All I do is make you feel guilty, and I don't even know what you need from me."
"Ask me."
"What?"
He holds my face to his. "What I need from you."
My pulse increases. "What do you need from me?"
"Three things."
Part of me is scared to know. "Okay. What are they?"
He tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear. "I need you."
"You have me."
"Good."
I sigh in relief. "What's the second thing?"
"I need you to tell me what I'm doing that's making you get panic attacks."
"I don't know."
"Then I need you to agree with me that we'll figure it out together. That you aren't going to keep sweeping it under the rug, because I can't. So promise me we'll work on figuring it out together."
"But I don't know how to do that."
"I don't, either. And that's why we'll figure it out together."
"How?"
"I'm not looking for the how right now, Flower. I only require your promise."
I sniffle. "Okay. I promise."
"Good." He kisses me, and I give him everything I have, almost forgetting he said three things.
"What's the last one?"
He pins his gaze on me. "I need you to tell me your secrets. All of them. The men who have hurt you and what they did. Whatever it is you aren't telling me about that has you so petrified. You have to tell me every detail, even the stuff you think might not be important."
Stunned, I lean away from him.
"Flower, I need it."
He doesn't understand. It's for his protection that I don't tell him. What I know isn't meant to be shared.
I cup his cheeks. "Listen to me. I'll do anything for you. But ask me something else besides that."
His face hardens under my fingers. "I can't. And it's not an ask. It's a requirement, Flower. I can't do this if you aren't going to let me in so I know how to protect you."
"Please don't do this," I whisper.
"You have to tell me everything," he insists.
Shaking, I rise, tears falling down my cheeks. "I'm sorry, but I can't."
16
Hunter
Time passes, but it doesn't make the anger or frustration die.
She doesn't trust me enough to tell me.
Ryker comes out, hands me a beer, and sits. "Are you going to stay out here all night?"
I grunt. "Might just do that."
"What's going on?"
"I can't stay in the dark any longer. If Vanessa doesn't tell me what happened, I can't protect her."
"She just needs some more time."
I swallow a sip of beer but barely taste it. "No. She's never going to disclose it."
"I don't think that is true."
I mutter, "Easy for you to say."
"What does that mean?" he snaps.
"Julieta told you her secrets."
"No, she didn't. She only told me a few things."
"That's more than I got." I take another swig of beer.
What a shitshow of a day.
My anger flares, and I decide to redirect it. "Was Julieta running drugs?"
Ryker's head jerks back. "What? No!"
"What about the border crossing?"
"That's part of her personal business."
I snort. "That's a convenient answer."
Ryker scowls. "You're such a dick sometimes."
"At least I'm not being fooled."
"Fooled?"
"It doesn't take a genius to put two and two together."
"Why don't you stop talking in code and spit out whatever you're trying to say," he seethes.
I lean back in my seat. "All right. I will. We could have gotten killed today. There's no reason Julieta could have an in with the landowners of that crossing if it doesn't involve some sort of smuggling."
He angrily points at me. "You're wrong, Hunter. It has nothing to do with that."
"I never thought of you as gullible, Ryker."
"That's rich, coming from you."
The sting of his words is a slap in my face. But it's one I deserve. "Go ahead, finish what you want to say," I egg him on, wanting to fight.
He rises. "No. I'm not going there. But you're such an arrogant prick sometimes."
I huff. "Rather be arrogant than naive."
"Spoken from experience. I'll make a note of that."
"I know it's been a while since you've been in the game, but not everyone is good like Maureen was."
Pain, surprise, and anger flare on his face. It's the lowest blow I can give him. I meant it as a warning, but I hate myself for how it comes out and stooping so low. "How dare you bring her into this conversation."
I should apologize and stop. I've done enough damage, but it's like I have to keep lashing out. "Have fun being deceived by Julieta. It's a real shitshow." I knock back a mouthful of alcohol.
"I'm only going to tell you this one more time. Julieta isn't a liar. I'm sorry about what you went through, but don't put her in the same category. And it sucks you're at odds with Vanessa, but don't take it out on Julieta...or Maureen's memory. This is your last warning, too." He stomps into the house and the door slams.
Great. Way to piss Ryker off.
I didn't just upset him, I took the lowest blow I could.
I scrub my hands over my face. I don't have any proof Julieta is lying. It's not right of me to accuse her of smuggling, but no other reason pops into my mind about why she had access to the border.
Stop worrying about Julieta and her issues. Vanessa is the woman I should be focusing on so I can help her.
Can't protect someone who won't fill me in on the situation.
That and I can't go a day without scaring her senseless.
Any option about what I can do so Vanessa doesn't have a panic attack caused by me, or how to get her to tell me her secrets leads to a dead end.
If I push her, she breaks down.
If I don't push her, she'll never tell me.
That's because she doesn't trust me. And now I told her I'm finished with her.
The truth swirls slowly at first then spins faster, until pain and regret tornado in every cell. I finish my beer as reality crashes all around me. The demons of my words and demands mock me, and I go back and forth about whether I've made the right decision or not.
I can't protect her if she doesn't tell me.
I can't protect her if I'm not with her, either.
She doesn't trust me.
She definitely won't trust me now that I gave her an ultimatum.
She could be having a panic attack inside because of what I did.