I don't think, and that's why I keep hurting her.
It's like a wrecking ball is slamming into my heart, but the demolition isn't over.
There are no clear answers.
I grapple, searching for answers on how to be a better man so I can become the person she trusts, and not one who frightens her.
My head spins from the number of times I go back and forth, trying to figure out how to protect her when I don't know who or what I'm up against.
Trepidation manifests and eats at me that she'll never again be mine.
And I curse myself. Broken promises are all I see. Repeatedly, I've hurt her. My words and actions have caused her pain, but I've also put strings on our relationship. I gave myself to her and reiterated she was mine and I was hers, but then I yanked it back the second I didn't get what I wanted.
In the process, I became a dictator in our relationship, taking away any freedom she had to choose to let me in or not.
I'm no better than Carlos.
But I can't protect her if I don't know.
The bugs bite me, and after so many welts, I finally go into the house.
Tinker is the only one in the kitchen. He hands me another beer. "There's food warming in the oven for you."
"Thanks, but I'm not hungry."
"Passports will be done tomorrow." We had our pictures taken after we arrived, and Tinker's friend stopped by to get all the information he needed.
"Great. Appreciate your help."
"It's not a problem." His eyes scan my face.
I take another tasteless sip of beer.
"Lot on your mind?"
I grunt. "That's an understatement. Where is everyone?"
"Ryker and Julieta are in the living room. Vanessa's upstairs."
"How long has she been up there?"
"Since she came in."
More guilt that I've caused her to be upset spirals.
"How's your place in Australia?" he asks.
"Fine. I haven't been there much in the last few years."
"Why?"
I shrug. "I've been traveling."
He tilts his head. "Since when don't you spend every free moment you have in Australia surfing?"
Instead of answering, I finish half the bottle of beer.
"I knew that woman would wreck you."
I clench my jaw and avoid his eyes. Ava was my girlfriend I met in Australia. She quietly moved into my home while I was on a rescue mission. I was working a lot, so when I was home, I didn't mind. It made it convenient, and she made sure to pay lots of attention to me the few days of the month I saw her.
Tinker came to visit once and met her. He warned me. He saw things about her I didn't. All his comments did was make me angry.
But I was stupid. I didn't know the de facto laws of the country. The day she moved in, she switched her driver's license and anything else she could to my address. Precisely two years to the date of her cohabitation with me, she informed me that it was time to break up. It didn't bother me. She was fun, but I wasn't in love with her. That is until she pulled the pin out of the grenade. Ava explained that after two years of living in my house, it didn't matter that we weren't married or she didn't pay a penny toward the house or upkeep. She conveniently could claim her cohabitation with me, and she wasn't moving out until I paid her for her portion of the house. The next work trip I left for, she changed the locks, and I had no recourse until I settled up with a fat check.
He drops his voice. "How much did she take you for?"
"I had to pay her half the value of the house for her to leave, plus all the attorney fees," I admit, and my stomach twists. "Took me two years after she dumped me before she finally moved out."
Tinker whistles. "That would make me never bring another woman home."
"I was going to take Vanessa there," I say before thinking.
"The girl upstairs?"
"Yeah."
"Who you just met?"
"Yeah."
Tinker cocks his eyebrows.
"What?"
"You don't waste time."
"What does that mean?"
He shakes his head. "You just moved one girl out and are going to move another one in?"
"Nope. We're done." I screwed that up all by myself.
"Well, that was short-lived. At least you didn't have to write her a check."
"That's not even—" Oh shit.
Vanessa is standing in the doorway, gaping.
And this night keeps getting better.
She turns and bolts from the room.
"Fuck." I slam my hand on the table so hard, the beer bottles fall. I rise. "Vanessa."
"Shit. Sorry," Tinker mutters.
I point in his face. "She's not Ava, not even close."
He holds his hands in the air. "My bad. I shouldn't have—"
"Whatever." I storm out of the room.
"Vanessa, wait up," Julieta calls out, following her.
I catch up to Julieta. "Out of the way."
"What did you do to her now?"
"Stay out of our business," I growl.
"Don't talk to Julieta like that," Ryker barks.
"Then she should back the fuck off," I yell.
He grabs my shoulder and spins me. Before I can duck, he lands a punch directly on my nose.
Blood spurts everywhere, and the animal in me awakens. I rush at him and bust his nose as well.
The women start screaming. Ryker and I take each other to the ground.
We're trained to kill. It's in our bones, and combat is something our employers have always conditioned our bodies to handle.
The fight is ugly. Knuckles and faces turn red. Any trick we know, we use. Headlocks. Elbow strikes. Stomps to multiple body parts. And kicks.
Ryker has me in a sleeper hold, and I fish hook his cheek when Tinker gets in the middle, trying to stop us. He takes a few blows but, somehow, manages to split us apart.
"What in God's name is wrong with you two?" Tinker barks.
"He started it," we both shout at the same time.
"You're grown men. Act like it. Look what you've done." He points to the women.
Vanessa has her arms around Julieta. They are both shaking, but Julieta is trembling harder and gasping for air.
"Julieta." Ryker steps toward her, and Julieta cowers against the wall.
"Stay away," Vanessa yells and pulls Julieta closer to her.
"Flower—"
"No!" She turns to Julieta. "Let's go." She leads her upstairs, and the click of the door echoes in my ears.
"What got into you?" Tinker seethes. Blood drips from his lip and cheek.
"Nothing," we both mutter in unison.
Tinker crosses his arms, his eyes in slits.
"Sorry," we both mumble.
"I don't think I'm the one you need to apologize to. Wash the blood off your faces." Shaking his head, he turns and leaves the room.
17
Vanessa
Julieta and I stay in the bedroom all night. Neither Ryker nor Hunter attempt to approach us.
It takes a while, but she finally stops shaking and says, "I'm sorry."