What happens if I give him everything and we still fail?
“I… I like us as friends.” I choke it out.
His brows jump on his forehead and his mouth falls open. “What?”
There’s pain in his voice, mixed with surprise. I want to claw at my words and yank them back out of thin air, but it’s too late.
Klaus drops his hand from me and steps back. Rolling his lips together, he then pushes them out and nods. “I see. Wow.”
“Klaus.”
I reach for him but he takes another step, looking over my shoulder, jaw hardening. “I didn’t expect that.”
“Let me explain.”
“No need.” He lifts his hands and puts more space between us. “Wow. Shit. I mean, I really read that wrong, then. Probably all in my head.” He rubs his chest like it aches.
My God. I’ve done this to him.
“Friends.”
“Klaus.”
“No. Friends is good. Right. We’ll just… go back to that, I guess, right?”
He can’t even look at me. Hell, I don’t even want to be around me right now. Who can blame Klaus for still stepping backward, unable to meet my gaze and see my own pain probably radiating all over me and from me.
“So tomorrow. We’ll run?” He grins at me, fake as hell.
A run? Tomorrow? I don’t know how in the hell I’ll ever be able to face him again.
“Jillian? A run tomorrow?”
“Sure.” Sandpaper must be lodged in my throat. It hurts to answer and I flinch from the pain both internally and externally that I’m causing. “We’ll go for that run.”
“Good.” He finally glances at me, quick and his eyes dart away as fast as they meet mine and then he’s in front of me, kissing my forehead like he’s always done and backing away. “I’ll text Becca. Tell her you two can have your Saturday after all. And I’ll see you tomorrow… right?”
“Yeah.” I clear my throat.
Why? Why have I done this and why can’t I stop it?
He puts his back to me and walks out of my kitchen, taking half my heart with him and leaving me broken all over again.
But this time, it’s my own damn fault because I’m too big of a coward.
My front door closes and along with the thud of it shutting, I fall forward and drop my head to the granite counter with a resounding thump.
27
Klaus
“Congratulations on your first win!”
“Thanks, George.”
“Team is looking good this year. You feeling good about it?”
We’ve just had our first pre-season home game. The starters don’t get much playing time, pre-season mostly meant to see what the newly drafted players can do and to get a closer look at the guys from the minor leagues we’ve pulled up. This year, we have several new players, the youngest only twenty-one, and a few older players who have bounced around the minors for several years, sometimes being called up, sometimes drafted, almost always being sent back down eventually.
Our team is still looking solid, though, and I’ll get my time on the ice when it gets closer to regular season starting.
I take my beer from the bartender and father to Sebastian’s fiancée, Gigi. She’s in the process of taking over the bar our team loves to hang out. While George is ready to retire and has given the bar he’s run for thirty years to his daughter, he also doesn’t appear to be in any big hurry to actually leave.
Especially not with Gigi looking more pregnant by the day.
“And here’s the glass of wine for Jillian.”
He pours my beer and reaches for one of the new sections in the bar—the wine fridge. One of the few additions and changes Gigi has insisted on.
I tip him well, and in the brief moment before I have to see Jillian and plaster on the friendship-fake smile I’ve worn around her for the last month, force myself to relax.
A month ago, I stood in front of her, trying to tell her exactly how I felt about her, what I wanted. But as soon as I mentioned the words made love, I couldn’t deny the look of panic I saw flash in her eyes and steel her features.
She is terrified at the idea of falling in love with me.
Not that she isn’t… or doesn’t want to love me—but that it scares her.
And as shocking as it was that day, as hurtful as it was, I’ve spent the last month trying to be exactly what she wanted me to be—
Her friend.
It fucking sucks. Not only do I still love her, I now know the sounds she makes when she’s close to coming. I know how she feels. I hear her cry my name in ecstasy when I get myself off. I’m unable to do a damn thing about it until Jillian finally wakes up and realizes that what she needs, and who she loves, is right here in front of her—not going anywhere—not running or fleeing, or throwing it away.
I’ll continue to be that guy for her, as much as it kills me, for as long as it takes or until she stops looking at me like she really does love me.
I drop off her glass of wine at the table where she’s sitting with Paisley and Hannah.
“Thanks, Klaus.”
“No problem.” I nod to the other women and head to where I’ve been with Sebastian, Gigi when she takes a break, and Duke and his wife, Regan. Most of the team is here tonight, taking over George’s bar like we typically do after home game wins.
That this is pre-season doesn’t change our rituals. Hockey players are bound by our superstitions and traditions.
Tonight, it’s the last place I want to be considering the number of looks both Jillian and I have had tossed in our directions. It’s not unusual for her to hang out with the team since so many of them know her and we’ve been friends for so long. What is unusual is for us to avoid each other. In truth, when I gave her season tickets like I did last year, I didn’t really expect her to use them. But like so much of her behavior lately, she did the completely unexpected move and showed up tonight, sitting where I can see her from the bench, and she showed alone. Usually she brings Becca with her to the games. Occasionally she brings a coworker. She’s never come alone and stupid me hoped that tonight it meant she’d end it differently.
Nope. So much for that. She’s still just as scared to move forward. She refuses to give up what we have.
It slices deep in my chest that after knowing me for so long she can be so uncertain of me, how I’d treat her, how well I’d love her.
We’re both miserable, dancing to two different songs and ending up nowhere.
Which means I have a choice to make.
I can either force myself to get over her and truly stay her friend.
Or I’m going to have to let her go completely.
Because one thing is for certain, this is not a dance I’m willing to continue.
Which leaves only one thing to do—an ultimatum. Where I risk the worst-case scenario. At this point, I’m not sure there’s anything left to try to save but my sanity.
28
Jillian
I’ve never felt more out of place.
For the first time since I met Klaus, hanging out with his teammates and their wives and girlfriends is almost unbearable. I’m the outsider of my own making and as time goes on, I want more than anything to suck back my words that day in the kitchen.