“You okay, Abby?” Caroline asked, concerned brown eyes giving her a onceover.
“Yeah, I, uh, I skipped breakfast, guess I’m a little lightheaded,” she lied. She hated to lie but what was the alternative? Tell her friend that it suddenly felt like she was losing her mind? That the idea of hanging around with a group of people she knew suddenly made her feel like she was facing down her abductors.
“Then let’s get you some lunch.”
Caroline continued walking, the other women chattering around them. Abigail had no idea if one of them was speaking to her because all she could hear was the thumping of her pulse echoing in her ears.
She was about to freak out.
Melt down.
She’d tried so hard to keep her emotions under control, not even allowing herself the luxury of crying because she was worried once she started she wouldn’t be able to stop. Now it felt like all her hard work was about to unravel.
They were just a few yards away from the group now, and all of a sudden it seemed like everyone noticed her arrival.
Dozens of pairs of eyes all focused on her.
She couldn’t breathe.
She couldn’t think.
She couldn’t move.
And then all of a sudden she was moving.
Running.
Away from the eyes, away from the people, away from the questions and the pity and understanding that didn’t feel like understanding at all because how could they understand what it felt like to be held prisoner for fourteen long months?
How could anyone understand that?
All of a sudden, Abigail felt very alone in the world.
She was running across the sand, but there were people everywhere she looked. Her gaze landed on the water. Out there, in the middle of the sea, that was where she could be alone again, where she could find peace and maybe even sanity.
Veering sideways, she splashed into the water and began to swim toward the horizon.
She had to get away.
She’d spent too many months alone, and now it was the only place she could think of to escape to.
She had to be alone.
She had to get away from everyone.
Abigail swam frantically, splashing through the water, the horizon seemed further and further away with each stroke she made.
A sob was building inside her, it felt like a bomb, ticking down toward detonation with each passing second. The fuse had already been lit, tears were now inevitable no matter how much she loathed the idea of breaking down.
12:22 P.M.
One moment Abigail was walking toward where they’d set up with some of the girls chattering around her, and then the next all the color drained from her face, and she was running in the opposite direction as though her life depended on it.
Spider dropped the pies he and Abigail had baked the day before and took off after her.
She was fast, and whatever had set off her panic attack was obviously lending her extra speed, and before he could catch up to her, she had veered off and thrown herself into the water, swimming as far away from the shore as she could get.
Water was obviously his thing since he was a Navy SEAL, and even with her desperate strokes it didn’t take long for him to reach her.
As soon as his arm curled around her a sob tore free.
“Shh, sweetheart, it’s me, Ryder,” he said, worried she’d thought that someone was after her. He wasn’t sure what had set off the breakdown, she’d been excited about today, told him that it felt like doing something normal, and that made her feel like she was part of the real world again instead of removed from it like she’d felt for the last year.
Abigail didn’t answer just cried, but when he turned her so she was facing him she didn’t try to get out of his grip just wrapped her arms around him and buried her face against his neck and wept. Her whole body shook from the force of her sobbing, and they were too far out for him to stand, so he trod water and took her weight, letting her get out all the emotions she’d been bottling up.
He’d seen this coming.
Known it was inevitable.
No one could go through what Abigail had and expect to be able to lock down their emotions and never have to deal with them.
It just wasn’t realistic, and as much as he hated to see Abby in pain, he was relieved that she’d broken down now when he was here to support her because his job meant he could be called away at any time, and he hated to think of her going through this alone.
“Honey, I’m just going to swim us to shore, okay?” he said, his lips against her ear so she could hear him through her tears. She was still shaking, and he was worried that if she spent too long in the cold water it would push her further into shock.
She didn’t answer, but she also didn’t fight against him as he eased her onto her back and held her close against him with an arm across her chest as he used his other arm to swim them to shore. As soon as he was close enough that his feet could touch the bottom, he swung her around so she was cradled against his chest as he walked through the shallows.
The dozen SEALs waiting for them all wore identical concerned expressions as someone passed him a towel which he immediately wrapped around Abigail, who had steadfastly pressed her face into his chest and refused to lift it. What gutted him the most was that while every man and woman before him was tough and strong and had lived through at least one horrific ordeal, Abigail would cast herself in a different light. She’d say she wasn’t strong, wasn’t tough, because her parents had drilled into her head that only those in the military deserved those titles.
Spider had loved Eric “Rock” McNamara Senior, and Stephanie “Stevie” McNamara, but that didn’t blind him to their faults. While he didn’t think they had deliberately given Abigail that idea nonetheless, their attitudes and behavior had led her there anyway.
Zeroing in on one face in particular, Spider said, “Fiona, could you give me five minutes and then come see if she’ll talk to you?” Of all of them, Fiona Knox, Hunter “Cookie” Knox’s wife, had lived through something the most similar to what Abigail had, and he wondered if Fiona might be able to say something that would reassure Abigail that what she was going through was completely normal.
Cookie tensed, and he could tell from the look on the man’s face he was going to protest that he didn’t want his wife having to talk about her ordeal, but Fiona set a hand on his arm to stop him. “Of course.”
“Thanks.” With a nod at her, he started walking further down the beach, finding a quiet little spot away from the other beachgoers and sat down, holding Abigail in his lap, the towel wrapped tightly around her. “We’re alone now, Abby.”
“I couldn’t stop it,” she cried in a tortured whisper.
“Stop what, honey?” His hand rubbed circles on her back in an attempt to soothe her and he curled his body around her as much as he could to make her feel like she was cocooned in a bubble of safety.
“This,” she said, finally lifting her tear-stained face and gesturing at the teardrops that continued to stream down her cheeks.
“You never could.”
“I tried to, I didn’t let myself cry.”
“Why, sweetheart?” He knew she wanted to prove that she was every bit as strong and tough as any Navy SEAL, but not allowing herself to feel her emotions wasn’t the way to go about doing that.