"I've done it once, for Thanksgiving. Obviously, I wouldn't make something as elaborate as that, but I could've made you pasta Alfredo if you wanted."
Holding his breath, he waited for Calix's answer. Why did it matter so much? It shouldn't, but it did. When Calix remained silent, Rhett inched back. Everything in him screamed to ignore what was happening, but he couldn't. "Do you want me to go?"
Finally, Calix met his gaze, but his eyes looked haunted. "I'm being an asshole, aren't I?" His voice was soft, dejected.
"Something is wrong, and I don't know what I need to do to fix it," Rhett whispered.
The warmth returned to Calix's eyes. "Oh, sweetheart, this is not on you. This is me being…being conflicted and confused and taking it out on you. I'm sorry."
"If…if me being here is too difficult for you, I'll go. I don't want to cause you pain."
With two quick steps, Calix had closed the distance between them. When he reached for Rhett, he willingly went, stepping into the man's arms. Even before Calix had said anything, Rhett already felt better with those strong arms holding him.
"I'm so sorry… I don't want you to go, I swear. I want you here."
Calix's voice was a whisper but left no doubt he meant what he said. Something else had to have happened then, and Rhett stayed silent.
"What I said in the hallway, that I could kiss you all day?"
Rhett hummed in response.
"I used to say that to Matthew. I loved kissing him." Calix inhaled deeply. "I guess I love kissing in general. But when I heard myself say that to you…"
"I understand."
"Do you? Because I don't even understand myself. It's not as if I feel like I'm betraying him. He would've wanted me to move on years ago."
Calix dropped his arms, and Rhett stepped back but held his gaze. "Sure, but what you can rationally reason you should do and what you're actually feeling are two completely different things. One is logic, the other very much not. A wise man told me that recently."
The microwave beeped, but Calix didn't move. He just stood there, studying Rhett. "When I offered my help, I figured I was doing this for you. Without sounding patronizing or arrogant, but I felt good about myself, you know? Like doing an act of kindness for someone else. But now I realize I also did it for myself…"
"What do you mean?"
"Sweetheart, I need you as much as you need me. Being with you is forcing me to face my loss, my grief, my life… It's not easy, but it was long overdue."
Warmth burned in Rhett's chest, spreading through his whole body. Calix wasn't merely doing something for him; Rhett was helping him as well. "That makes me really happy," he said softly. "Makes it feel less like…like charity, you know? Like pity."
Calix caressed his cheek with one finger, then tenderly slid it down over his lips. "Kissing you is not charity. I'm not doing it because I feel sorry for you."
"No?"
Calix bent in, and Rhett held his breath as the man took his bottom lip between his teeth and gently pulled, sending shivers down Rhett's spine. "Remember last weekend?"
Rhett's cheeks heated as he nodded.
"Remember how hard I was? How I nestled my cock between your gorgeous ass cheeks to get myself off?"
Any warmer and he would spontaneously combust.
"Did that feel like pity to you?"
He shook his head.
"Like charity?"
Another quick shake.
"I want you. The reason I kissed you as soon as you walked in the door was that I'd been impatiently looking at the clock for the two hours before, counting down the time until you were here."
What did that mean? That didn't sound casual at all or like an arrangement, something born out of friendship mixed in with compassion and overprotectiveness. Whatever it was, at least he could answer honestly. "I was eager to get here as well."
Calix nipped his bottom lip again, and a little whimper escaped. When Calix let go of his lips, Rhett was shaking. "What were you eager for, sweetheart?"
"You."
"Mmm. What about me?"
"I was hoping that…"
"Yeah?"
"That you'd…fuck me. Tonight. Please. If you want."
"You hungry?" Calix asked, his voice a low rumble.
"N-no. Not really. I can wait, I mean. But if you're hungry, we can—"
Calix's lips were searing hot as they covered his, muffling his words. His tongue surged into Rhett's mouth, boldly claiming him. And then Calix lifted him, just hoisted him off the ground, and carried him straight to the bedroom, where they tumbled onto the bed.
He kissed him back, wanting to taste all of him, and as their tongues did a dance of seduction, so did Calix's hands. Rhett's clothes disappeared between deep, wet kisses, and his nerves evaporated right along with them. And then their bodies pressed against each other, naked skin to naked skin, hard cock to hard cock, hot and perfect.
Calix rolled on top of him. Leaning on his elbows, he whispered, "What do you want, sweetheart? We can take this as slow or as fast as you need…do whatever you want."
"I don't want slow."
"You need to scale this obstacle."
Thank god. Calix understood. "It's become so big in my mind I can't see past it."
Calix's kiss was featherlight, a caress of his throbbing lips. "I've got you. How do you want it?"
Oh. He'd thought… "I figured I'd be the one on the…bottom?"
"If that's what you want."
"You do it…both ways?"
"Yeah. I prefer to top, but I have bottomed. If that's what you want, I'd be happy to—"
"No. No, I want you to…" God, why was this so hard? It was as if he was back in middle school when he'd been too damn shy to even say the word penis in his biology class. "I want you inside me."
"Oh, sweetheart, I want that too. I'll make it so good for you, I promise."
Calix took his mouth again, and they kissed and kissed until they both needed to come up for air. Calix groped in the nightstand drawer and pulled out lube and a condom.
Rhett frowned. "Do we need a condom?"
Calix stilled, then slowly turned toward Rhett. "It's crucial for your safety to wear a condom at all times."
"But I've never been sexually active, and you said you hadn't been with anyone since Matthew, so why would we need one?"
"Because you can't trust people to tell the truth. Men will lie to you, sweetheart."
"You won't. And you know I'd never lie to you either."
'"No, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't practice safe sex from the start."
"If I promise I'll always be safe, can we skip them for now?"
Calix brushed a soft kiss over his forehead. "Okay. But don't ever do this with anyone else, okay?"
He nodded, although the idea of sex with someone else was too preposterous to even consider. He couldn't even explain why he didn't want to use condoms other than that they felt awkward, even though he knew they weren't. He wanted to experience all of it, including the sensation of… His cock jerked at the thought.