So fucking sweet. This man was pure goodness to the very core of his soul. Calix's heart ached in the strangest way as he rose and headed over to his closet. He picked an old Red Sox shirt that Del had given him years ago as a joke and that he never wore outside the house because it felt sacrilegious, then took a Spartan shirt for himself. Two identical sweat pants and that was it.
He had been right. He did like seeing Rhett in his clothes. But that could also be because of his shy smile, the way his eyes kept searching Calix's, how he seemed to gravitate toward him. They reheated dinner, then chatted as they ate at the kitchen table, the conversation flowing easily, as always. Calix had already unloaded the dishwasher before Rhett's arrival, so now all they had to do was rinse the two dirty plates and put them in the dishwasher.
Calix made coffee and told Rhett where to find the coffee cups. Reaching for the shelf, Rhett winced. "Sore?" Calix asked.
"A little." Rhett's cheeks stained with that pretty blush. Feeling proud of that was probably very caveman-like of him, but Calix didn't care. He'd been Rhett's first, and he'd made it a good experience, and at some fundamental level, he cherished knowing that.
"You'll get used to it, providing you want to do it again, that is."
"That an invitation?"
Calix laughed. He loved it when Rhett got cheeky. "Anytime, sweetheart. Though not in the next few hours, I'm afraid. At my age, my recovery time is a little longer than it used to be."
"You're not that old." Rhett sounded almost offended.
"Quite a bit older than you."
Rhett shrugged. "I like older men. Always have."
They took their coffee into the living room, where Calix only turned on a few lamps so the lighting would stay cozy and intimate. Rhett put his coffee down on the side table next to one of the reading chairs. "Come sit with me on the couch," Calix said.
Rhett hesitated for a moment, then picked his coffee back up and sat down next to Calix. As soon as he'd placed his coffee on the table, Calix pulled him close, maneuvering the two of them until they lay stretched out on the couch with Rhett half on top of him, his head on Calix's chest. Much better. He nuzzled his hair, breathing in deeply with contentment.
"Can I ask you something?" Rhett asked as he fiddled with the hem of his shirt.
"Of course. What's on your heart?"
Rhett was quiet for a while, and Calix stroked his hair, giving him the time to gather his thoughts.
"I'm not sure I understand exactly what this is. What we have, I mean. I thought I did when you asked me, but it feels to me like things have changed, and I'm a bit lost. I don't want to say or do the wrong thing, so I'd appreciate a little more clarity."
He could have seen that one coming. He should have, in fact. And Rhett wasn't unreasonable, nor was he wrong. Like Calix himself, he'd picked up on the different dynamic between them. But what did it mean?
"When I proposed this, I hadn't really thought it through," Calix said softly. "All I knew was I wanted to help you and maybe myself as well by easing back into sex again. And it seemed like a good idea at the time. I didn't want to have to hide, hence my suggestion to pretend we had a relationship… Except…"
He forced out a long breath. Maybe that would help get rid of the tension in his chest.
"Except what?"
Moment of truth. "Except I don't know what this is anymore. You're right. Things have changed, and I'm…confused."
"So I'm not the only one."
"No."
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but what we're doing now, cuddling on the couch, that doesn't feel casual to me. Or like experimenting for my benefit."
"It's not. It feels an awful lot like…"
Oh god. Rhett was right. This relationship wasn't fake or casual at all. Calix might've intended it that way, but he'd never treated it as such. In fact, he'd gotten it wrong from the start, calling Rhett sweetheart, having him spend the night, doing all the nonsexual things that weren't part of a hookup.
"…like a real relationship," he finished slowly. "Because it is. This isn't casual anymore, and to be honest, I don't think it ever was. Not for me at least."
"But you said you weren't ready for a relationship."
"Yeah, apparently I'm not as in touch with my real feelings as I thought. Big surprise there."
"Are you…upset?"
Rhett's voice sounded small, and Calix tightened his arms around him. "No, sweetheart. Absolutely not. But how do you feel about this? You didn't sign up for this either."
Rhett's answer took a long time, but Calix forced himself to wait, to stay quiet, even if his heart was galloping in his chest and his palms were getting all sweaty. Holy fuck, how had he gotten this attached to Rhett and not even noticed it?
"I don't think I ever stood a chance…" Rhett finally whispered. "You're… You're everything I've always wanted in a man, and I… I guess deep down that's why I jumped to accept your offer. I figured that even if I got my heart broken, it would still be worth it to experience what it would be like to be with you, even if it wasn't real."
"Oh, sweetheart…" Calix could barely get the words out past the tightness in his throat. "You're so much braver than I am, going into this, knowing it might not end the way you hoped."
"All my life, I've waited because I was afraid to make the wrong choice. But like you said, not making a choice is making one as well, the choice not to do anything. I missed out on a lot, and I was done with that. I chose to be with you, even if it was only for a short time. And I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty or emotionally blackmail you. But I need to be honest to myself and to you. I've lied to myself for far too long."
"So have I…" God, how true those words were. He'd been so blind. "I thought I wasn't ready for a new relationship yet, but I was only protecting myself from getting hurt again. Losing Matthew was… I don't know if I ever consciously made that connection, but I think I was scared of going through something similar again. I was lonely, so lonely…until you."
He pushed Rhett's head back so he could see his eyes. Yeah, nothing casual about that look. Only pure adoration and trust. Not that he deserved it, but he'd take it.
"This is real," he told him. "I don't know where it will lead, and I may need more time to come to terms with this, but it's real."
The smile that spread over Rhett's face struck him with awe. "That's enough for now. I'll wait."
Calix had to kiss him. Had to. Those sweet lips were irresistible. He rolled over so Rhett was under him, and then he kissed him until they were both panting. And what did you know, it turned out his recovery time was shorter than he had expected.
32
"Can we talk?"
Seth looked up from the computer screen where he'd been reading up on incident reports. The bunker was empty, except for Samantha Cawthorne, a veteran agent he'd worked with for years. She'd been with him on Annabeth Markinson's detail and had recently been promoted to the president's detail. She looked at him with a serious, almost stressful expression.