“I’m yours,” he growls. “But you got it wrong, baby. So, fucking wrong. You’re not going to lose yourself and I’ll never have to remind you of the love we made, because if you ever forget, I’ll just make you fall in love with me all over again. Every day, for the rest of my life. Baby, don’t give up on me. I’m begging you. One more chance. I’ll make it right. Schwartz is working on getting me out of here.”
Tears fall endlessly.
Mine.
His.
They’re the tears of love.
Of two broken hearts.
As much as I want to believe everything he’s saying, I know better. He doesn’t mean to lie to me. He doesn’t mean to break my heart. He doesn’t mean any of it, but he also can’t help it.
He can’t help himself.
“You know,” I start, pausing to clear my throat and wipe my eyes. “I think you like breaking,” I whisper. My words aren’t meant to be insulting, they’re meant to inspire. To help him see the error of his ways. I speak to him not as his wife, but as a trained professional—something, I swore I’d never do. I guess we’re both going against our word now.
“I think you like falling apart because for a brief pause, you get to feel whole after someone picks up the pieces. After the euphoria of being complete wears, you come crashing down. You realize you did nothing to help yourself, and you do whatever you can to break again, hoping this time you’ll be the one to pick up the pieces for yourself. I wanted to be the one who changed you. I wanted to breathe life into your fragile soul.”
“You are…you’re everything, Lacey,” he shouts, his voice full of conviction.
“I’m everything and nothing at all, Blackie,” I whisper. “I spoke with Schwartz he says you’re going to have to go to rehab.”
“I’ll get him to appeal the judge’s decision. Whatever it takes to get me home to you and the baby,” he insists.
“Blackie, you have a problem, a serious problem and twenty-eight days in rehab won’t fix you,” I tell him, watching as his expression goes grim. His jaw tightens and the air around us changes. It becomes thick.
Too thick.
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying, I can’t fix you. I’ve come to terms with it and now it’s time you do as well. If the judge sends you to rehab, I think you should go. If you want any kind of relationship with our child, you will go.”
“Don’t fucking do that.”
“What am I doing?”
“Don’t use our child against me.”
“I’m not,” I admonish, hurt he would even suggest the idea. “I’m looking out for our child. There’s a difference. Blackie, you have no idea how it feels to be on the receiving end of your bad decisions. You have no idea how heartbreaking it is to never feel good enough.”
“Don’t I? Why the hell do you think I’m as fucked as I am? I know I don’t deserve you.”
“No, Blackie, you think you don’t deserve me. I’ve done nothing to make you believe that and everything to convince you otherwise. Now, you survived another overdose and by the looks of it, a beating that probably should’ve killed you. God is giving you another chance to get right with yourself. Make it count. Not for me. Not for our baby, but for yourself.”
“And what happens if I don’t?”
“I think you know the answer to that,” I whisper.
This story of ours won’t end with us old and gray. It’ll end tragically with our beautiful child never knowing its father and me burying the man I love.
“You didn’t say it,” he murmurs, forcing my attention back to him.
“What?”
“You didn’t say you love me.”
I didn’t, did I? Not a single ‘I love you’. Not even a ‘Thank God, you’re okay’.
“I—”
“Don’t say it now,” he mutters, shaking his head. I watch him wince and he closes his eyes briefly before looking at me again. “How was it?”
“What?”
“Her heartbeat,” he croaks. “Is it strong? Is she healthy?”
“She’s perfect,” I whisper, swallowing against the lump in my throat. Tearing his gaze away from me, he nods and releases a strangled breath.
“You should go,” he rasps. “Keep doing what you’re doing,” he continues. “Keep taking good care of our girl. You’re going to be an amazing mother, Lacey. Fucking spectacular.”
A sob echoes off the walls of the hospital room and it takes me a second to realize it’s mine. Lifting my hand to my mouth, I stare at my husband through the cloud of tears obscuring my vision.
“And you, what are you going to do?” My voice cracks as I silently will him to look at me. Just once more. If for no other reason, then for him to see the love I neglected to speak.
“I guess we’ll see, won’t we?” he says.
“I guess we will,” I murmur softly.
Seconds turn to minutes and he still doesn’t look at me. We break. We shatter. The wall between us grows higher. The pain cuts deeper. It’s another heart wrenching chapter in our tragic fairy tale.
Realizing there is nothing more to say, I start for the door. Reaching it, I pause and turn back to him. He openly stares at me without saying a word.
“I do love you,” I whisper.
He nods.
“I love you too.”
Sadly, for us love isn’t always enough. The next day the judge mandated Blackie to an inpatient rehab just as Schwartz said he would. The only thing the lawyer failed to mention was that rehab would last ten months. That came as a shock and while everyone claims Blackie got off with a slap on the wrist, I wonder if they realize that slap was another blow to my heart. The biggest one of all because it means Blackie will miss our baby’s birth.
Chapter Forty-Seven
Blackie
Court-ordered rehab felt like a death sentence. Not because I knew what I was in store for, but because it would keep me from witnessing the birth of my daughter. I was still certain we were having a girl and even more certain I was going to lose her mother. Well, that’s providing I haven’t already. I thought seeing her alive and well would bring me relief. Sure, I expected her to be upset with me not only because of the drugs but also because there was so much she didn’t know. Like why I retained Schwartz in the first place or the reason I ignored her in the courtroom. Not that any of it mattered or would, to her. The reasons all seem pathetic now that I think about it and make me nothing but a coward.
A fucking coward who pissed away the only goodness in his life.
I never wanted to die as much as I did the moment she revealed I missed hearing our baby’s heartbeat for the first time. The pain reflected in her eyes made me wish Javier’s men had finished what they started. It got worse, though. Every word she uttered twisted the knife in my chest and I realized that beautiful heart of hers had suffered too much at my hand. Even the greatest loves have an expiration date and it seems like ours was drawing to a close. I had miscalculated by thinking it would be Lacey’s demons that came between us. I should’ve known it would be mine that tore us apart for good.